Rambling rant-how do you survive parenthood to a teenager?

[thechickenchick]

Please don't say you screwed up. You did the best you could.

There are situtations where the parents don't care enough to do their best. I don't believe that this is one of them.

My heart breaks for you. I am struggling with a teen as well. I also am hearing things like, well, you did raise him by yourself, there was not a man around all the time, you were too easy on him,maybe if he had siblings! Give me a break!

My parents raised 2 girls. We are like night and day. She is a (lousy) parent to 4 boys, she is in and out of rehab, has never had a job and goes from man to man and party to party. She treats her friends, family and children like dirt. I am not perfect but have worked hard, done my best to raise my son and get out of bed every day asking God to help me be my best.

We had a perfect childhood, we always had a Mom and Dad around, the typiacal american family. My point being, we were raised the same, we turned out SO VERY different. My parents are deceased and I do not speak to my sister. You can only do the best you know how, at some point it is his responsbility to take charge of his own life. Feel good in knowing that you have done your job.What he does after that is his choice.

 

[cluckychick]

Sorry but maybe he needs a butt whooping. You cannot put it all on your shoulders. If you won't tell your DH then you need to call the law. I would do that if it was my son. You have to do what you have to do to get help and if bringing in outside resources it going to help your son then it needs to be done. You CANNOT allow him to verbally abuse you the way he saw his father do it.

It's not easy but your saving him in the long run and he may hate you but later in life he will thank you, I know....

 

[mom'sfolly]

It sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place. To me it also sounds as though your current husband is abusive. Abuse isn't always physical and the fact that you are afraid to tell him what is going on says alot. Family counseling sounds like a must. No you can't make a 200 pound, 15 year old go; but you can make his life a living hell until he does. You can go, and learn how to deal with this. Your husband can go and learn that depression and mental illness are not weaknesses, but diseases. Your other children can go and learn to deal with the chaos.

You have a "loud and threatening" husband, a son who verbally abuses you and a load of guilt about making positive changes in your life. At least get counseling for yourself.

 

[Mom 2em All]

writerofwords-

I see you are deleting your posts. your posts were a wealth of information and I didnt take offense to anything you said- I apologize if anything I said made it seem that way.

I appreciate everything you said.

 

[wegotchickens]

Mom 2em All, if you work and your company has an EAP, then you can get counseling for free. Short-term (6 visits) and confidential. They don't tell anyone who is there or why. Look around your timeclock area for posters with phone numbers, or ask someone in HR.

If that's not available, and you have a college nearby, you can get counseling from psychology majors almost ready to graduate for a reduced fee. They may be young, but they have guidance from mentors. And sometimes just talking to someone and getting an objectove opinion can really help. I've been this route and you can't knock it until you try it.

And there is always counseling available through many churches.

Please, talk to someone.

 

[bheila]

How in the world was he able to get away with missing 35 days of school before you were notified? I did the same exact thing in 11th grade in high school. Just like your sons school, my school waited forever to report me to my parents. So long that there was no way for me to make my classes up. I would just have to repeat and extra year. Please don't get me wrong I don't blame the school for my stupidity or my parents. I have 2 kids in elementary school now and if one of them is not at school within a half an hour of school starting they call to make sure everything is allright or just in case I forget to call in because they are sick. I'd say the school need to share some of the responsibility.

 

[rooster0209]

Miss Prissy are you by chance related to my mother?

I tried some of those stunts when I was a teenager. My mom was a beautician and was not in a position to take off work and sit with me in class, like she threatened to do when I said I wanted to quit school and there really wasnt a point in it anyway. I didnt test her at all, on that threat anyway.

It would have been really embarassing for her to follow me to each class and sit with me during class (I would have HAD to pay attention then) My mom was pretty strict and I pushed her buttons quite often, nor did she have any patience at all. I don't know how I survived and she didnt end up in prison for murder.

My step brother once declared at 14 he was too old to be spanked. He stood up to my mom and explained this theory of his. She didnt play games either and warned him to step down and shut up. He didnt. She took off her houseshoe and whipped his butt till he cried.

I was impressed. My mom is not a big woman 5' and 100lbs, my stepbrother was quite a bit bigger than her, but he never tried that again.

I would drag that little poop butt to school each day and sit with him and walk with him to each class. Take it from someone who knows, it will not take too long before he decides it is alot easier to go w/out you. If he is smart, I bet it wont last 2 days. Talking to your children only goes so far. You are the parent and he is the child. I never liked this attitude when I was growing up but...it didnt kill me.

 

[byrandom]

Let me preface this all by saying that I didn't read all of the posts. I skipped some, and skimmed (I am at work.. lol). I just wanted to add my two-cents.

Whenever I was in High School, I hated going. My mom would always tell me "at least you don't have to go to work!" and, the smart alec that I am, would retort "at least they PAY you to go there!"

Now, however, I wish I would have taken high school a little more seriously.

What you need to realize is that, more than likely, it has nothing to do with you. He doesn't hate you and he doesn't hate his siblings. I would scream and cuss at my mother, slam doors, and would refuse to do anything she asked me. However, I did love her and would have done anything to protect her. I DO love her. My parents also never abused me, never abused eachother, and there was no abuse/violent undertone in my family.

I was bored with school. I felt that I could teach all of the classes I was in, so why should I go? I would sleep through class when I was there, an ace the tests -- but I would never do homework. The only reason that I got through High School was because of my mom, my dad, and my grandmother -- and to them I am eternally grateful.

All of that said.. if he is too big for you to handle, too strong for you to physically control (and if he has moments where it is vital that he is physically controlled), I would follow Miss Prissy's advice. I would contact the state, as well as local authorities, to see what my options were. To see if there was any help out there. Perhaps you could contact some boarding schools or military schools to see if they could work out a discounted rate.

Also, just because all of his friends' parents love him, and just because he is popular with the girls in high school.. That doesn't mean that he isn't depressed. Perhaps, at some unconscious level, he holds you responsible for his father's death. Perhaps he holds himself responsible for your divorce. Who knows! Kids have a wonderful way taking every problem with their parent(s) and finding a way that it is their fault.

In any event. I do wish you the best of luck with your child. I was just like him for several years, and I can tell you, it was because I was depressed, I felt that I had a "good head on my shoulders" and could make my own decisions. There is a ton of research that shows that boys between the ages of 14 and 18 have hormones which actually makes seeing the inherent danger or immorality in their decisions much harder. (i.e. Street Surfing)

I would suggest:

- Sit him down and have an adult conversation with him. List out what is unacceptable, and the consequences for said actions. (i.e. if you skip school one more time, you're going to Military School.. whatever -- or, if you don't go to counseling, I will get the police to escort us.)

- Contact a licensed and accredited psychiatrist who has experience with adolescent children. If need be have your child escorted by a police officer to the meetings. (This is common in some areas. In some areas the police force is spread so thin they cannot accomplish this.)

- If you cannot get your child to go to counseling, and you cannot get the police to offer assistance, perhaps you could find a psychiatrist (or counselor -- please be aware of the difference) who would be willing to meet in your home.

- If you do not have a problem with religion, and have a trust religious figure who would be willing to meet with your child, that could work wonders. Also consider attending church.

- Brainstorm incentives to get what you need to get done.

- If EVER he becomes violent, do not hesitate to call the police.

 

[jbowyer01]

I feel for you. I was your son, 20+ years ago. I started off in high school as an A-B student. Was on the gymnastics team, softball team, and flag corp, made page one honors. Then came my junior year I hated school. I hated everything about it. I would go to school for two or three classes at first and then slide out, but then it got to the point it was just easier to learn to forge my moms signature and the big problems started..Now before I go any further with my story I want you to know that my father was a police office and my mother was they city clerk of our town. My parents had a healthy marriage and still do... After missing 75 days my senior year and my parents knew nothing about it. (Believe me its easy to fudge your grades if you have the know how with a good copier and a little knowledge). A school bus driver informed my mother that she had not seen me in school for a very long time, after a few phone calls my mother found out alot of info about their youngest daughter. I did not graduate from high school (though much later I did go back and get my GED, I also have an associates and am presenlty 4 classes short of my bachelors). The only advise I can suggest is sitting down at the table with only you, your son and your husband and talk. No other children, shut off the ringer on the phone. Make sure it is done in a very nonconfrontational way. Express your feelings, let him know how much it breaks your heart (cry if you want) he needs to see your pain in other ways than anger directed towards him. Talk about things you did in school or saw when you were his age. BE HONEST! My kids know everything I did including the drugs and alcohol) You have to reconnect with him if even for 5 seconds. You need to try and do this once a week. I know it sounds stupid and its very difficult to not yell and scream. He already feels like garbage and hates the world and probably alot of times wishes it all would end. The only thing that kept me from doing harm to myself was that I was so angry at everyone I thought if I commited suicide I would be making them happy, and I certainly wasnt going to do that. After a while ask him if he would like to talk to someone that will only be for him. Somewhere mom and dad wont be able to intrude. Believe me it works, maybe not for all but it certainly helped me when my parents did it. I hated them for no reason, I didnt think I was worth anything and that school was a waste of my time. I know how he feels. If you have any questions please feel free to PM me. I'll answer what ever questions you have.

 

[chicken_boy_Kurt]

I'm sorry but you all are not going about this right. I am a teenager so I know (kinda) what he's going through. Of course you might just disregard this post cuz I'm just a "stupid teen" but I don't care I gotta at least try.

You gotta find out whether or not he's being bullied. If he is you have to bring it to the attention of the principal. Many kids become depressed from bullying. Some even start to cut themselves. You have to find out if it's bullying.

If it's not bullying, then I don't know what to do.