Rambling rant-how do you survive parenthood to a teenager?

[redhen]

please, please inform the school of this!!.....best wishes, Wendy

 

[Beekissed]

After I read this thread, I asked my 17 yr. old if these kind of drugs were available at his school and he readily agreed that they were! But they costs $5 instead of $2! I asked him about the variety and he listed several prescription meds that are available for sale in his school. And every kid knows about them! Why aren't there some kind of undercover efforts to catch these teen drug lords and put them out of our schools, I wonder?

 

[cluckychick]

You may find it will be hard to find a rehab facility with an empty bed. We ran into this one night with my best friends sister. I even called another friend of mine who is an administer at one and her suggestion was this. "Put her in a car and drive her to the nearest hospital or call an ambulance and tell them that she was under the influence and take her to the emergency room" The hospitals can find beds for them were we as parents cannot. This is what we did and it worked, she was able to get placed in an intreatment facility.

I wish you luck in getting him well and your family is in my prayers.

 

[Linda in San Diego]

Ok, I am in the middle of reading this and have some thoughts I would like to post, I will likely add more later, but here goes.

Warning Bells - current hubby is not physically abusive but sounds very controlling and perhaps demeaning to you? You know best, but it sounds odd that you feel he is too strict.

He is your son, he has a room of his own I assume. I would take everything out and lock it up. He could have 2 changes of clothes, a mattress and a blanket - sheets that is up to you. An alarm clock with not radio. No door on the room. When I left to TAKE HIM to school, I would also take every powercord to every device - radios, tvs, computers, etc. If he is the only one home, he does not need it.

Then I would lay down the rules. In order to earn back things like the bedroom door, box springs, second set of shoes - he would have to do certain things. Attend class, take out garbage, wash cars...whatever you can insist that he do. Weight training - do you need snow shoveld, ditches dug? That is training, just not with the enabling "coach".

Third Thought: The school did not perform the way it should have. You have a legitimate complaint and you should make a stink! Public schools are wonderful places and this school dropped the ball (but apparently not the football)

I will be back with more ideas after I have read some more.

Final word, Mom, this is going to be tough. It all started way before anyone realized it would make a difference. You have admitted your errors - but you made most of those mistakes out of love.

I have 3 "kids" 23, 20, and 15 - they have not had any of the kinds of issues that you are describing. But they also knew what they faced if they messed up. They knew about loss of doors etc. The worst I had to do was suspend electronic device usage - no tv, no computer, no music - ok on lights and alarm clock.

Good luck!

 

[JennsPeeps]

First, I applaud you to have opened yourself so much to the advice and scrutiny of your BYC peers. You made yourself very vulnerable to all of us on a very raw subject. Thank you for trusting us with such a deeply sensitive and personal issue.

I want to echo some of the advice you've already gotten:

1. Get yourself to a counselor. If your family will accompany you, so much the better. If not, go alone. You will be surprised by the clarity you can get. re: the counselor - find one you like, if the first or second or third don't work for you. Don't be afraid to do hard work with someone, however.

2. Join a support group like Al-Anon, Ala-Teen, or Narc-Anon. There are many resources for you online. The school counselor or your doctor could be starting spots, or just google it. Here's the home page for Al-Anon: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org, or call 1-888-4AL-ANON. Get your husband and other kids to join if you can. If not, see advice #1.

3. Educate yourself about teen drug abuse and local school laws. Let your fingers do the walking and seek out the info. I found these by searching for ""prescription drug abuse" help for parents":
http://www.theantidrug.com/DRUG_INFO/PRESCRIPTION_DRUGS.ASP
http://www.drugfree.org/portal/drugissue/features/prescription_medicine_misuse
http://kidshealth.org/teen/drug_alcohol/drugs/prescription_drug_abuse.html
http://www.teendrugabuse.us/gethelp.html
http://www.sheknows.com/articles/805854.htm

4. Take your son off the football team. Period. he hasn't earned the right to play and should not be permitted to do so. It doesn't matter if he's a star player: he cannot play until he beings work in earnest on the issues he is both facing and creating.

5. Report the illegal use of prescription drugs on school grounds to the local police, CPS, school counselor... anyone who will listen.

6. Know that you're not alone. There are people going through the same issues as you, there are people who have dealt with it in the past, and there are those who will deal with it in the future. Reach out to them.

7. Know what you can change, and what you cannot. It stinks, but if your son is unwilling to accept help, you may have to let him lie in the bed of his own making. You can take him only so far before he must carry his own burden.

8. If you can get him into a program like a military school, do so. I agree w/ Miss Prissy that his butt needs serious kicking. Since he's still a child in a man's body, you need to let someone who is equipped for dealing with troubled teens work him over for a while.

My heart goes out to you. You have a long and difficult road to travel. We'll be here to support you, give advice, and provide a virtual should to cry on.

Kindly, jenn.

 

[Rhett&SarahsMom]

as I was reading your description of your sons behavior all I could think was "steroid" or Rx drug abuse. The kids dont think that Rx drugs are on the same level as pot cocaine and the rest of the stuff because "it comes from a doctor"

My x husband was like your son when he started abusing Rx pills while in the Marine Corp. Other guys would get them and then sell them to the rest of the base. Add the "weight/muscle gain" crap they were also taking to the mix and he was a totally different person.
He became abusive both mentally and physically. Angry. Withdrawn. Uncaring. He was not the guy I had met and fallen in love with.

Sadly I had no control over him and the marriage ended.


I wish you all the luck and positive thoughts in the world dealing with this. Its not going to be an easy road. But you have to do this.

 

[SpottedCrow]

OMG< MOM...I hearya...I'm thinking beat his butt black and blue, then send what's left to West Point...

My only child...thought DH asked if I wanted chickens and he really said children sigh...is 15, and thinks he's Goddess' gift to the world...He knows everything, never shuts up. Gives us grief about everything. Has a girlfriend which is a whole nother canoworms. Doesn't study. he ALSO has midterms this week. Doesn't do homework or his notebooks, "forgets" to bring the homework home or bring it back.

If his report card is as awful as the last one, WE (DH and I) lose the cable TV and the internet because he's going to cancel them both.

 

[tailsnfeathers]

Tough Love is a parent support group, Look it up to see what is the closest to your area.

 

[beak]

I would try to get to the root of the problem. If he went from good grades to bad he has an issue somewhere. Bad attendance doesn't deserve some of the suggestions I've read on here. Tough love will just make it worse.

Just my opinion.

 

[wasatusay]

Okay, I have read and skimmed a lot of answers. A lot of them are coming from 'parents' point of view. I never had any children and maybe that makes my memories of being a teen (you can add about 40 more years to that) a little clearer...only my opinion. When I was a teen and started HS the first year was good then the second year sucked. It was like going to class on Monday, you leaned something but the rest of the week was review for the ones who didn't get it, and test day on Friday was a wiz. Well after weeks of this it grew to be horrible. I would go to class on Monday forget the rest of the week and then go on Friday and test (good grades). It was horrible to hideout all day, not to say boring at the least. I would have loved being in school and learning something, being with people and not being bored out of my skull! With this comes the chance of getting in trouble for not being in school. Then you are labeled, your parents are upset, home is not great, you are talked about with anyone than listens to your parents, and you start to feel like you are the real bad person. Remember teens don't always know how or why they are frustrated with school, you have to take some steps to find out. Our schools are not the best in the world and most tend to cater to the slowest not the ones who are the brightest. Instead of failing for bad attendance I ended up signed out of school and taking my HS Equivalency GED and passed almost two years early.
There are plenty of sites on line with practice tests, See if they can pass them, if so, you will know they are bored, if not, then you have the answer to one question and not attending school is not a viable option if you want to make something of your life besides " hello welcome to McDonalds". I was also dyslexic and math was a nightmare in writing.
Talk to the teachers, examine 'them' to see if they are really telling you anything or just throwing their arms in the air and throwing your child into 'who cares bin', get specifics, if they can't give them then question if they really pay enough attention to them to really give you the whole story. Sorry to say, there are teachers who do care and lots that don't. Bad one's will only say " they don't attend class regular and they are a problem child" ....
When a mind wants to learn the worse thing is to put them in an environment that holds them back. You did say your child was A material. So maybe the school is C material.
I see plenty of people with teens that forget exactly what it was to be one. Maybe its the years of raising them and losing themselves in the process?? Just my thoughts.. Don't give up, watch, listen and learn, without yelling or speaking over them. If you have to look at them as if they were your neighbors kids and you were offering advice to them. Being a parent seems to rule more with emotions when you are upset and want answers than with clear heads, reality, and common sense. But never let a child/teen run over you.
I know....how can you give advice?...Well lets knock it down a few pegs...even when experienced dog owners go to the dog whisper because they are not seeing the whole picture because of emotional attachment and love, don't you think people parents make some of the same emotional mistakes too.?