I'm not a parent, so maybe my advice here comes cheap, but you listened to what the teenager had to say, so I'll put in what little I have too.
First, prescription drug use is becoming a major problem. I know young people who use Adderall just as frivolously as they might use marijuana or illicit substances. Now that you've found out drugs are a problem, you can take steps to do something about it. And I'm glad this came out.
Being glad that you found this out, I would caution you that this is not the root of the problem. Neither is his attitude, or anything else that some people have suggested trying to fix. You've already identified what's probably a major source of his problem: the abusive relationship you all survived. Way to go on getting out of it, and you're doing all the right things as far as I can tell.
To me, what's most important, is listening to what the teenage poster had to say. My problem was on a much smaller scale, but in first grade, I started exhibiting real reluctance to go to school and do my homework. Part of that was that I was a bratty little kid who didn't know my butt from my elbow (like your teenager), but part of it was that I was struggling with my teacher. Looking back, it wasn't all my fault and my behavior was a cry for help. I wanted someone to notice that this woman was horrible to me. She constantly manhandled me and acted like my behaviors, which as far as I can remember were normal for a six year old, were out of control. Mind you, I never had a behavior problem before or after her class. So my instinct is that yes, the abuse your kid saw is contributing to his attitude, but something else is probably troubling him at school or elsewhere in his life. It may not be bullying, but it is something. Do your best to figure it out. This mystery and his background are probably causing the drug use and the skipping.
And I wouldn't go so far as to recommend military school or scared straight programs. I had to do some research on these places for work and what I found was overwhelmingly negative. Not from their own sites, of course, or from TV personalities that tout this sort of thing, but from qualified medical and psychological professionals. These programs tend to treat the symptoms and not the roots of the problems, and often make the problems worse. You may see an improvement for a bit, but it will likely be followed by a regression.
As a teenager who wasn't troubled at all, I had a really hard time with anything that I didn't think was logical, practical, or sensible. It's just part of becoming an autonomous person. In my opinion, it's a good phase for them to go through, if annoying. Try to view it in that perspective, but just reinforce that you are the chief and your word is law. It won't help much, but the most important lesson is that he has to obey you at this age, even if he is gaining independence. Maybe explain to him that in order to grow up to be a good leader, he must first prove that he can be a good follower. Explain it to him in sports terms if he likes them so much. He can't tell the coach what the play will be...the coach tells him and he has to do it even if he thinks it's the wrong decision. When he becomes the coach, he can make the calls. He will grasp it even if he doesn't show it.
And even though a tough-love program isn't in my opinion a good solution, increasing his responsibility is. He probably should be cut from football, but not do become idle. He needs real responsibility in his life, both in terms of schoolwork, but also in something new that makes him feel empowered and valuable as a human being and member of a community. That sort of thing can have a marvelous effect on everything else. The hippie who would put him to work probably has a good idea, even though I firmly believe that you have to get to the root of the problem first.
Again, not a parent, so take it with a grain of salt. I really don't know that much.
First, prescription drug use is becoming a major problem. I know young people who use Adderall just as frivolously as they might use marijuana or illicit substances. Now that you've found out drugs are a problem, you can take steps to do something about it. And I'm glad this came out.
Being glad that you found this out, I would caution you that this is not the root of the problem. Neither is his attitude, or anything else that some people have suggested trying to fix. You've already identified what's probably a major source of his problem: the abusive relationship you all survived. Way to go on getting out of it, and you're doing all the right things as far as I can tell.
To me, what's most important, is listening to what the teenage poster had to say. My problem was on a much smaller scale, but in first grade, I started exhibiting real reluctance to go to school and do my homework. Part of that was that I was a bratty little kid who didn't know my butt from my elbow (like your teenager), but part of it was that I was struggling with my teacher. Looking back, it wasn't all my fault and my behavior was a cry for help. I wanted someone to notice that this woman was horrible to me. She constantly manhandled me and acted like my behaviors, which as far as I can remember were normal for a six year old, were out of control. Mind you, I never had a behavior problem before or after her class. So my instinct is that yes, the abuse your kid saw is contributing to his attitude, but something else is probably troubling him at school or elsewhere in his life. It may not be bullying, but it is something. Do your best to figure it out. This mystery and his background are probably causing the drug use and the skipping.
And I wouldn't go so far as to recommend military school or scared straight programs. I had to do some research on these places for work and what I found was overwhelmingly negative. Not from their own sites, of course, or from TV personalities that tout this sort of thing, but from qualified medical and psychological professionals. These programs tend to treat the symptoms and not the roots of the problems, and often make the problems worse. You may see an improvement for a bit, but it will likely be followed by a regression.
As a teenager who wasn't troubled at all, I had a really hard time with anything that I didn't think was logical, practical, or sensible. It's just part of becoming an autonomous person. In my opinion, it's a good phase for them to go through, if annoying. Try to view it in that perspective, but just reinforce that you are the chief and your word is law. It won't help much, but the most important lesson is that he has to obey you at this age, even if he is gaining independence. Maybe explain to him that in order to grow up to be a good leader, he must first prove that he can be a good follower. Explain it to him in sports terms if he likes them so much. He can't tell the coach what the play will be...the coach tells him and he has to do it even if he thinks it's the wrong decision. When he becomes the coach, he can make the calls. He will grasp it even if he doesn't show it.
And even though a tough-love program isn't in my opinion a good solution, increasing his responsibility is. He probably should be cut from football, but not do become idle. He needs real responsibility in his life, both in terms of schoolwork, but also in something new that makes him feel empowered and valuable as a human being and member of a community. That sort of thing can have a marvelous effect on everything else. The hippie who would put him to work probably has a good idea, even though I firmly believe that you have to get to the root of the problem first.
Again, not a parent, so take it with a grain of salt. I really don't know that much.
Last edited:
