RANT-Frustrated with people! (long)

[peepkeeper]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Try not to be upset at DH's family, maybe it hurts them too much to talk about the baby. Have you thought about finding a Compassionate Friends group in your area? It's a support group for people that have lost little ones. It might do you some good.

 

[arlee453]

If you haven't already, I'd suggest you get in contact back with the hospital and ask about grief support groups for those who have suffered through the death of a child family member. I know several families who have had to deal with this tragedy and a support group of similar folks can be very helpful to have a place where you can let it out.

A great website is: http://www.bereavedparentsusa.org/

Our society really doesn't deal well with death in general, and the death of a child even less. People don't know what to say, so they either say something REALLY stupid that is unintentionally hurtful (well, you can always have another one, etc...), or they say nothing and act like it never happened and the child never existed.

I stress to my families dealing with pregnancy or newborn loss that they should celebrate the life of that baby, no matter how short, and also know that they were a mommy to that child even if s/he didn't get a chance to grow up.

I work with a local chapter of an organization that provides care packages to local hospitals for bereaving families (www.threadsoflove.org is the national org). I also have to deal with this issue from time to time in my role as childbirth teacher. While the reactions are better than is used to be when a child dies (at least you are allowed to talk about it now...) it's still a very lonely and hard road to go down as a parent or grandparent.

My deepest sympathies are with you and your daughter - always cherish the memories of your granddaughter and celebrate her contribution to the world, no matter how short a time she was granted here.

:aww

For those of you who read down this far.... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE know that the kindest thing you can do for someone in this situation is ask them how they are doing and then LISTEN to them. Encourage them to talk about their deceased child, but don't pressure them. And PLEASE PLEASE THINK about what you say. The kindest thing you can say is "I'm SO sorry for your loss. How are you holding up and what can I do to help you?"

 

[PurpleChicken]

Quote:
That is so true and is probably what is happening to Jeni. I have friends and family
who have lost children, both infant and young adults. There are no magic words but a hug,
an understanding look, and even a tear does help. Just let the person know you care.

Jeni, I'm sorry your not getting that from some people. Please remember, it is they
who are handling it wrong, not you. God Bless you and your family. You also Luvz.

 

[BantyChickMom]

You should never feel like you have to apologize for grieving.
People handle grief in all sorts of different ways.
Some handle by hiding it and others handle it by showing it.
Grief is a long process that can last from a few weeks to a few years to forever.
We all have to deal with grief at some point, and if it makes you feel better to cry then do it whenever you feel the need to.
Only you will know when you get to that comfortable place where you have come to terms with this and have peace over it.
We are all here for you anytime!!

 

[Nichole77]

Reading your story makes me cry. I am so sorry for your loss. You grieve as long as you need to. It's no ones right to take that away from you or anyone else. We are all here for you at any time. Peace be with you and your precious family.

 

[Chellester]

jenichick, first of all let me say I am very sorry for your loss.

Second, if it was me, I would just avoid the people who are insensitive to your loss and your feelings as much as possible at this time. You have every right to deal with this in the way you need to, and if they can't deal with that, it's their problem, not yours. You've got enough on your plate without having to be brought down even more by people who can't give you what you need.

Yeah, they might be unconfortable with it, and to be honsest, I'd probably be unconfortable with it too, but I'd still be there for you and do what I could to make you feel better, because your loss is way way bigger than whatever discomfort I might have about it.

Find people who are big enough to be there for you, and forget about your DH's fair-weather family for now. And of course, us chicken friends are always here for you!

 

[SpottedCrow]

Some folks don't get that we all grieve differently.
Even if I don't look at a calendar, I always know the date of the 5 month miscarriage of my daughter...It just comes as me feeling very sad and crying...along with my mother's anniversary of her dying.
We'll all here for you. Feel free to vent away.
One of the other posters said that we don't like to talk about death and dying and grief because of it...
It's not like it's catching for the Goddess' sake...but that's what happens...

 

[justusnak]

Oh Jeni....I am so very sorry hun. As everyone has said....different strokes for different folks. I for one...like many on this board..am here for you, whenever you just want to vent...cry...or talk. E mail me if ya just want to chat. I cant be there to hold you OR your daughter...and let you cry on my shoulder....but..im here...for ya both. You are all in my prayers.

 

[jenichick]

I want to respond individually but that would take too much time, bandwith, ha ha.

nccatnip, you summed up what I think DH and others are feeling with the whole helplessness thing, I am sure that's what it is, that's why I haven't said anything. I am sure that everyone just want's things to be better like before.

luvztomybabz, I'm sorry for you loss too, and I don't want confrontation, I just need like you said, to grieve in my OWN way.. thank you

DD is going to counseling at my recommendation....it will take time...

Spottedcrow, see that's how it is, it's been a month, she was originally due TODAY, that's probably what the trigger was......

Chellester, my DD and I both want to be alone, by DH's daughter is about to deliver and popped in for a week, and acts like nothing happened, she gossips and questions the doc, the delivery, my daughter (like it was her fault) and in general makes it uncomfortable.....but we feel like she's our daughter too, to so it's a juggling act.

for everyone else, you've helped more than you know, in ways I couldn't imagine, again thank you for lettig me vent....

BTW, when I got home I got my eggs, threw scratch, admired the mist coming off the colored mountains, fed the horses, talked to DD, got a toddie

and checked the board, and counted my blessing, this was one...thanks!

 

[buckbeak]

I am so sorry for your loss.
Feelings don't have to make sense to anyone- feelings just are. Also, feelings come and go. I can usually take comfort in knowing that eventually feelings will change somehow, even when it doesn't seem possible at the time. I hope you can too. I am sorry.