Ranty Ranty Ranty. REALLY LONG but i need to just vent a bit.

[chickeypoo]

i had written this out in word. and i was going to post it in someone else's post but figured it was so long id just make it a new one LOL. my relationship with my mom is... well strained to say the least. here's just a small part of the story dealign with one other person. so yeah.. its' just a tiny part in my crappy life with my mom and my step dad.

Start rant

My mom has this friend and she’s my age. They met a few years back when they became neighbors. My mom was always a drinker… well maybe after she met my step dad is when she started. But when this woman came into her life they started to hang out, drinking and partying. That’s when our relationship started to die down. Probably didn’t help that I moved a bit away.

But, when this woman entered her life, all I heard about was her. After she moved 2 and a half hours away.. I would call my mom and she would say “* is coming over,” “* was over” “ I just talked to *” “im going up to *s” Never mind that she had to drive past my house to get there, she never stopped at my house. She would barely stop by when she was coming back from hunting. When she would stop by she’d only be there for abot 20 mins.. tops.

So, after awhile.. I quit calling her altogether(since I was the only one that was starting conversations) It took over 4 months for her to call me. Do you know how bad that feels when at one time we were pretty dang close. I remember crying myself to sleep at night knowing that I didn’t matter to the one person I should have mattered to most. Oh, and when she called me, it was for directions to get to a certain place. It was a place I had wanted her and I to go to. I talked to my dad and he said he saw my mom with another woman in her truck going towards the place I had given her directions to. Boy, that was a kick in the gut.

Fast forward to last night. Mom’s 50th b-day party. G-ma and I made the food(I made most of it) and I helped to decorate. Along with my uncle. I gave my mom her present(this really awesome windchime which was half price!) and a little while later her friend shows up. (I had resigned to being nice a long time ago. I figured it was easier and she was nice to me.. it’s not her fault that my mom likes her so much) anyway, yesterday she had her daughter with her(for once. Since every time id see her she’d leave her DD with her mom I think, or sister. And she’s only 18 months.. she’d do that so she could party with my mom)

I found out from * that my mom was having a pit fire, normally id go down, but for some reason, I just decided that I was not going to go. I think it was cuz my mom hadnt’ told me.. as much as we are online together or on the phone. She never invited me down. Until after * said something to me.

Her DD is not a very… well mannered child. I know 18 months is young but I know my kids would listen when I would say “don’t go down there” (towards the road) anyway, her DD was running all over being naughty. Driving me crazy. I stayed away finally. Then come present opening time, and I sat in a chair, and * was on the other side, but then my mom took her chair and moved it away from her, and to the other side of me and I moved closer to * so my mom could get out of the sun.

when she finished opening her presents I noticed that *’s daughter was playing with a green tennis ball that I assume was a dog toy at one point. I didn’t say anything since I let my kids play with just about anything and I know that * saw her playing with it. Then I heard * say “yucky” and I said, “it’s just a ball, it’s been sitting in the sun. im sure the sun bleached all the germs off it”. JOKINGLY. And she’s like “Well, she put her tongue on it.” And I JOKINGLY (again) said, “im sure what she puts in her mouth when you aren’t looking is worse than when you are” and I was laughing. We had been joking earlier so when she said “ J@$($ C#@%$) I think I can say yucky to my own child” I was pretty shocked. I sat there for a few minutes biting my tongue cuz what I had to say was way worse that that.. and included some f bombs.. (which I reserve for when I truly need them) and I got up and walked away.. I packed up my stuff. Went into the house, told my uncle I was leaving and my mom came into the house. She said “you’re leaving aren’t you?” and I said yep. She said “im really sorry bout what she said. That was uncalled for.” I said “yeah it was. Esp since I was joking.” I finished cleaning up and then we left(kids, hubby and I) I didn’t even say good bye to hardly anyone.

Mom was making excuses for *, saying it was a long day, it was hot. Well, ya know what? It was probably longer for me since I can’t shower in my own house(cuz of the plumbing being torn up) and I don’t have AC in my house or car. But * does. So I know it’s not a hot day for her. And I did all the running for food, cake and decorations(when it’s nearly 90 out) the party was at 3. but since I left the house at oh.. 930ish (in the morning) the kids didn’t eat lunch. So when it come upon 430 I was tired of waiting for food. And requested we eat instead of waiting for people that probably won’t show(and they didn’t) It was a long day. I won’t be doing the 60th party. I also told my mom that I don’t want to be invited to anything ever again if * is going to be there.

Today I got a call from my mom. Asking what I was doing tomorrow. I lied. I told her that id be working in the house to clean up and that if I had had time I would come down but since I haven’t had a working washer(well washer and sinks work but the plumbing is tore apart) when things get working again I will be cleaning so, no I can’t come down. Then I told her I love her and hung up. The ONLY reason she was calling me to ask me to come down was cuz she’s guilty. I could hear it in her voice. Im glad I won’t be going down. Then I don’t have to listen to more excuses.

She thinks the reason I cook and host things is cuz im like her.. she never hosted anything that I can remember? And she never really cooked for parties. So I dunno where she’s getting that from

Maybe im being a brat about this but after doing my step dad’s 50th party and being completely ignored.. even though I made nearly all the food there too and my DH and I did all the decorations. And I did all the running for that too. I should have known better this time around. Oh well.. what could I do? It’s my mom. I felt I had to since I did my step dads. I think im done trying to make her happy. It’s just too much work and no appreciation for anything.

ok.. end rant

 

[redhen]

That must hurt..i'm sorry.

You handled that rude person better than i would have,..
So kudos to you for that!

I would just be with mom when shes not around this other person...
Also.. i know its hard, but try to think on the positive side...
Mom followed you in the house after her friend was rude to you.. and said she was sorry.
Mom did call you today to see if you wanted to do something.. she DOES care. Dont forget that..

 

[WingingIt]

The drinking Mom isn't really your Mom, but you know that all too well, I'm afraid.

Her friend was out of line jumping on you, obviously she didn't get that you were kidding, but she was still out of line talking to you like that in front of others and in someone else's home.

I think your Mom was trying to make amends and apologize in her own way when she called you. I know you were still smarting, but at least she DID say that her friend was out of line and try to get together with you. Try to give her a bit of credit for that.

 

[chickeypoo]

She didn't actually follow me in right away. i got everything in the *party area* packed away. it was about 20 mins of cleaning, a potty break and talking with my uncle.. so id say at least a 1/2 hour. and the only reason she noticed is cuz my hubby took the card table and put it in the car along with all the food id brought.

i had to handle it better. didnt' want to screw up my mom's party and plus i have three children and i dind't want the other little girl seeing or hearing what i had to say. cuz obviously she doesn't need any other examples of bad behavior since she's getting them from her mother. i think eventually this woman will get the real message and if she asks why i left.. i will tell her and will not hold back. There won't be anyone to hear what i have to say other than her and me.

the only reason she called was she felt guilty. She never calls to have me come down. my step dad and i don't get along that great.. but that's another story.. and that is.. well, yeah. it's never been that good between him and i. i try to be nice.. and he was nice enough to ask how much he owed me for the cake and if i needed it right away. I was nice, and it was a decent party up till it all went down hill lol. i get along with my step dad's friend and his wife. they didn't even get to sit by mom and step dad. so i sat by them and chatted a bit. plus my littlest DD sat across from me(next to friends wife. and friend was sitting on the end of table) so we chatted while i enjoyed watching him eating all the food id brought LOL. i didn't get to sit by my mom to eat. but that was ok.

I just figure this as lesson lived, lesson learned. i hope my children learn from it as well. i don't have many friends and i don't drink that often. I had beer on my porch for about a year before i finally dumped it out. i had bought many bottles of liquor and stuff to make diffrent things but i never really finished a bottle of it. after about three years.. i finally dumped them out before i moved LOL. so i hope they see from my example that it's not worth it to drink like that, and you don't need to treat people like crap.. but i still have in my head, the words i so badly wanted to say.

 

[chickeypoo]

Quote:
I guess i have a hard time giving her credit for all that considering all that has gone on. whenever i go down there.. i can't just sit there. she always asks "can you do me a favor?" that gets so old. can't i just sit there and chat? she don't even like my kids coming down. first of all, my middle DD has some breathing issues and can't deal with smoke to well.. my mom smokes. i can tell by her lookign at the clock that she wants a smoke.. then i say, well, i gotta go. cuz i feel uncomfortable and like im taking away something precious to her. second of all, after i had the youngest DD she was crabby(teething) and i told DH,"why don't you take her down to the park to swing(only a block and a half)" and my mom goes "YES, take both of them!" (my oldest was at her other grandparents) So, i said, "well, i guess i should just get going. i really have lots to do." and we all left. but that's how it always is. she can't stand a bit of fussing from a baby(guess that's why it's only me and no siblings)
oh well. maybe some day she will see what she is missing. you'd think when you hit a certain point you quit trying to live it up like someone almost half your age(yes, the woman is my age.. im 28 and my mom just turned 50.)

 

[lengel]

I'm so sorry. I can only say that I empathize and that you can only take care of yourself in this situation. Do what you feel you are able and walk away from the rest. Certainly don't do for her just because you feel that you should. If you're tired of her behavior, you need a break. Take the break or you'll burn out.

Sorry to hear about your house too. We re-plumbed ours years ago and that was just miserable.

 

[#1California Chick]

You are dealing VERY WELL with LOADS of stress!!! You are a mother of three dealing with NO plumbing!! Your mother is completely absent!!!

I agree that you should take a break and not put yourself in a position to be stressed further!!!

You need to take care of yourself, so that your daughers can say "My Mom was always totally there for me!!!". Spend more time with your G'ma! Your mother may/may not see the light!! You seem to know how to live your life for your family. Keep on keeping on!!!

It is not easy! Good Luck!

Cindy

 

[PineappleMama]

Quote:
Some of my earliest memories are exactly that so I understand where you're coming from. My Mom has pulled some DOOZIES. I mean some REAL DOOZIES... not at all family friendly so I won't elaborate, but finally I'd had enough of her abuse and told her off. She mailed me a box with every picture, every drawing, and every gift that involved me in any way... and our son. She cut herself out, of the pics and our lives. Hubby was SOOO mad... it's hard to rile him, but seeing as I was preggers and had previa he was easier to rile. It was quite a while before she was allowed back into our lives, and that only in a border kind of way. I finally figured out that my duty is to the hubby I love and the children we brought into this world. Letting myself get ripped apart wasn't doing me or them any good, so now I don't let her in far enough to hurt... leastways that's the theory. Doesn't always work, but it's way better than it was.

It might be a good idea to let you and yours be for a while. You've got plenty on your plate without Mama (and *s) Drama. Let her fend for herself, and maybe open her eyes to the obvious traits of her bud she hasn't seen up 'til now. You have plenty of projects to keep you busy. Hopefully she'll realize what she's missing.

 

[chickeypoo]

yeah.. my gma is kind of the same way. ugh. treats everyone like they are her slave. do this do that. pick that up. and not in a nice way. plus her house is full of glass figures and so forth and i hate spending the whole visit telling my youngest DD don't touch and no no. LOL. so. i jsut tend to stay away.

im really burned out on the whole situation. esp when i see how great my mother in law is. She does everything that my own mom won't/don't/can't. She sews.. and she has made dresses and costumes, and mended clothes. She and my father in law watches my children(like yesterday with no plumbing). and things like that

I remember when i lived at home(with my oldest DD.. i was 16) i wanted a shower and i asked my mom if she could watch her while i showered. She told me.. "i raised you. Im done with kids. don't take long." this was on the weekend. so, during the week my step dad would watch my oldest while i took a 10 min shower. he was fine with it. i just sit here and remember all the ways it was at home. and how i wish things were different. i see how other families were and how much i wish mine was that way.

my mom would take me to the races. but rarely. if we went out to eat. we had to get the special. it was always friday. to this day, i barely eat fish. yuck. she would tell me that she'd do something, then wouldnt' do it. we never had family vacations, except camping one summer. most of my summers i spent with my dad. who had no money. so all we did was fish. but he was better to me than my mom to a certain extent. but his anger was bad. if i did somethign wrong he'd blow up. my mom worked at nights, so that way i never saw her after school. she had the option of working days, but she turned it down. she wasn't there to help with my homework, or projects or anything. but for some reason, i still did really good in school.

well, i should get going. i got lots to do yet. we gotta get this plumbing crap done. i really don't like not having a toilet or washer or sink. i have loads and loads of clothes to do. and i cloth diaper. so. yeah. and it's been in the high 80's. so it's rather not pleasant smelling. we are doing disposables today though. and the kids are going back to my MIL's today

wish me luck in this adventure.

 

[PineappleMama]

Quote:
That's precisely how I felt... still do sometimes between my mom and sister... that's when we'll go off the grid for a bit (gotta love caller ID) and recharge. Take a break, just enjoy the little gifts in your life, and when you can breathe again then answer the phone.