Say it or not? (Long and vent-ish)

[Sonoran Silkies]

I think it is time that you started talking. Tell her about YOUR values: paying what you owe and on time, avoiding debt and living beyond your means. If you want, complain about subsidizing those who don't play by the rules, but try to change them after-the-fact. If you read the newspaper or watch TV news, there is bound to be some story that gives you an excellent opening. Don't make your comments in answer to hers, but to general news that matches hers.

As for her daughter, let the mom know that your not going to be able to continue watching her without compensation, or else find a reason why it simply will not work at all. If you do still spend time taking care of the daughter, make sure to impose the same rules on her as you do on your own daughter--part of being a child care provider is helping to shape the social behavior of your charges. That said, I agree with most of the comments that the girl is simply talking about her life. Give them both other things to talk about: suggest crafts or projects they can work on; ask about school and get them talking about that; tell your daughter to tell the other girl about something SHE has going on htat she is excited about; etc.

Keep doing for Grandma because that is the right thing to do.

 

[Marcymom3]

We have friends who have always made twice as much as we do. They are educated and were both teachers until the wife retired last year. She has developed a very serious health condition and couldn't get a part-time job if she wanted to. They too have lots of credit cards that are maxed out and told us they use one to pay the other. They have refinanced their house so many times that they have no equity in it, in fact, they are underwater in that the house is not worth as much as the last refi they did. They are paying their kids college loans because they had nothing saved to send them. Their kids are just like them, they don't know any better. Their pay is spent before they get it in the bank. These same people take a nice week long vacation every year, trade in their cars as soon as they get 50K miles or need tires (whichever comes first), and spend money like there's no tomorrow coming. If I had their debt I would never be able to sleep at night, and I finally had to tell her that I just didn't care to hear about it. She is an educated person without a grain of common sense.

As others have said, it is up to you to speak up. Tell her in frank terms that you are not interested in her financial disasters. Make it clear that you are not babysitting for free anymore, effective immediately. You don't owe her any explanations! How we have gotten to the point where we have to justify our actions is a mystery to me. If you want to continue to be "friends" that's fine, but you lay down the rules.

Can we assume she doesn't pay any rent to live in Grandma's addition? What a crock! There is some justice though. What the creditors take as a payout may be considerably less than what is actually owed, but her credit rating will probably take 10 years to recover.

All that being said, as it relates to you and your one income household paying your bills on time, etc....well, be proud that you are able to do that and that you are not a freeloader. It shows that you have excellent values and a very smart plan for your financial future. Being a good steward of your talents and gifts is a good thing!

Don't give up on Grandma though. She asks you for help because she knows that your heart is good. If you had a heart to heart conversation with her, she would probably tell you that she wishes you were her granddaughter instead of the one she has.

 

[Darin115]

I feel your pain. I was in a similar boat a few years ago. We live beside my in-laws on a private road. Once upon a time we lived outside of our means and it finally caught up to us. It took me years to pay off my mistakes. Now we use no credit cards. If I can't pay cash for it, I don't buy it until I can pay cash for it.

Anyway, our neighbors have 3 kids. They put in a pool several years ago. They asked us if they could put the pool between us and them. Their house was built 10'3" off our property line. I said no. That did not set well. Kinda ticked them off. I was doing them a favor. If me and my wife split up and had to sell our land the pool would go with our house. None of it would have been on their property except the cement on one side of the pool. So there was a little temsion between us. It was the first time we ever told them no and meant it or didn't change our minds about something that they thought was a good idea.

We have been fortunate in our adult lives and we live withing our means and don't owe a great deal of money to anyone anymore. I have chickens that they hate because you can see my chicken house from their pool. They had to get over that. It was not moving. I did get rid of a turkey that I had because the gobbling in the Spring got on their nerves. Did mine to after a while.

So life went on for years with a little tension between us once in a while. They had 2 huge dogs that would come down to my yard to poop. My kids could not go out to play without stepping in a huge pile. I asked him if he coudl scoope it up and he laughed. Said it would rot and help my yard. So I put up with it for a while. I have no large trees in my yard but when he mowes his leaves he blows them down to my yard. For years I have been just mowing them up or raking them up and burning them or mixing them in the garden. He would also send his kids to my yard to ride 4-wheelers. he didn't want his yard messed up so he sent them to mine. I guess he thought that was ok because my kids ride in my yard all the time. But 2 additionla bikes do much more damage to the yard that just one. But I bit my tongue.

I planted some trees between us and them. He compained about not being able to see his kids get on the bus. He asked if I would take two of them out. I said no. So he sprayed theose two trees with something and killed them. I replanted them and he sprayed they again. I can't prove it but the two exact trees he wanted gone died and the the replanted ones died to. He had to have done it.

It got to the point that I was miserable living beside someone that took advantage of us. There were hundreds of other things but I wanted to keep this semi short and only listed the first couple that came to mind.

So one day I decided to put a stop to it. I started collection all the piles of dog poop in a 5 gallon bucket. When the first one filled up I took it to his paved drive and turned the bucket upside down and dumped it. It looked like a poop castle. I walked off. When he got home he never said a word. Just cleaned it up. He started to fuss at the dogs when they came down to my yard. I don't remember a pile of poop in my yard after that.

Then the next Fall the leaves got blown down to my yard by his leaf blower. I raked them all up and bagged them up. I then went over there and dumped them back in his yard on a windy day. he raked them back up and dumped them in the woods. He did say I thought you wanted them for your garden. I said I don't mind them in my garden but if you are going to get them up why don't you just go dump them in my garden. Not had a problem since.

Then I told his kids one time they were riding in my yard to go to theirs and ride. They said dad won't let us. I said if you can't ride in yours why do you think you can come ride in mine?? They understood. I said you are more than welcome if my kids are out riding but I prefer someone watching you in case something happens. My homeowners insurance would have to pay if they had a wreck and got hurt. Not had a problem since that day.

You have to start taking up for yourself. If you don't no one will. They will run over you until you put a stop to it.
Just be nice about it and things will work out.

Thanks!

Darin

 

[Carols Clucks]

Personally, I would start having something to do when school starts again so that you are not there for free babysitting. Maybe homework time or something else and let Mom know in advance that you have changed your afterschool plans.

Or

I would also tell her you are thinking about doing after school care for some extra income in these hard times, you would love her to be your first client at $________ . We she is not interested, tell her that is too bad because your daughter will miss spending time with her friend, but you will be needing the paid space in your home

 

[swampcat]

Thanks for the ideas everyone.

Of course because I vented karma struck...

Grandma had a stroke today. Seriously, what are the odds of this? I finally vent about something that's been bothering me for weeks/months/whatever and this happens?

I think I just need to keep my mouth shut...

 

[MamaRoo]

Quote:
It's your neighbor's karma, not yours. If it were you, grandma would be fine and healthy due to all the care you give her.

 

[rancher hicks]

What do I do?

You asked so here goes.

Straight up? "No one can take advantage of you without your permission".

Distance yourself from your neighbor.

When she asks say "sorry I have plans then". Then get in the car and drive around the block. Or just stay home and do nothing. It's the truth and not a lie. You do have plans. Whatever you would do if you weren't doing for her. Laundry , wash, read a book, watch a movie, or just sit and stare at the chickens. Your plan is not to do for her. She'll get the idea. Do you really need her that badly? I don't think so. You've got us.

As for the credit card stuff. Don't think they aren't paying a price. Their credit is in the toilet. They may pay higher car insurance premiums, or higher interest on the next car loan. If they can get one at all. YOUR CREDIT SCORE IS WORTH MORE THAN GOLD.

Your family and sanity come first. NO IFS ands or BUTS. No one can drive you nuts unless you get in the car.

I wish you strength to "Just say NO".

Rancher

 

[ChooksinChoppers]

Well for starters I would tell her that you are very happy to hear she is getting out of debt and now that she is ahead of things enough to afford trips and riding lessons that you are sorry, but you will have to start charging her for childcare. Then if she says no...well then sorry..but I can't mind your daughter anymore. Plus could you please provide some gas money for me driving Grandma around as well as YOU can't afford it anymore.

 

[spacecowgirl]

Poop castle!!! Bwahahahah!!! Nice one, Darin115!

 

[newchickgal]

Quote:
Your venting had nothing to do with her having a stroke. For you own sanity you need to vent now and then.