Purely a vent. Even though I know I've come a whole heck of a long way in assertiveness and not allowing others to dictate my life and feelings, there are times like today when I feel like I've slipped back at least a mile or two. I hate this old feeling...feeling like I'm a little kid, irresponsible, and weird when I know I'm none of the above (except weird...but usually it doesn't feel like a terrible thing!). I hate having every tiny minutia of every teeny speck of my life...whether it actually happened or not...critiqued and picked apart. I hate feeling like I can not say anything back for a myriad of reasons, can not say, "well...actually you have a diagnosable disorder, and I'd be happy to set you up with some people so we have a snowball's chance of having a real and open relationship". I hate how not having the same goals as I did when I was six or a year ago means that I am dangerously unorganized and set for sure disaster that only this person or persons can save me from. I hate never being able to have a simple, casual conversation...only what feels like the most intense job interview that never ends. I hate getting a zillion calls and warnings not to do something (as simple as buying a goldfish) when I had no intention of doing so...and that if i did, it would mean THE END OF THE WORLD! I hate having responsibly lived and paid my own way for decades...and still being treated like I'm five to the point others around me comment on it. I hate having to hide who I am or even what I ate for breakfast in a desperate attempt to keep something, anything, from being drug through the mud and torn down. I hate how trying to keep personal details to myself is in itself critiqued and heaped with guilt trips about how I never tell them anything. I hate how trying to keep the attention and discussion purely on them and making enthusiastic and encouraging comments about them has not stopped the waves of critique. I hate that an older friend's passing comment of, "wow, neat herb garden" is the kind of phrase I'd love to hear just once, and that I know I shouldn't long for, but still do. I hate that I can still be made to feel this way. I *know* that I have an amazing husband who is the main reason I have been able to improve myself and heal so well, have wonderful friends, am responsible to the point others lovingly tease me about it, and have absolutely workable plans for the future. I *know* most have it much, much worse...which is the reason I'm typing on an anonymous forum instead of sharing with friends who have serious problems of their own. But even knowing this, somedays I still just feel like this, and somedays I just mourn over both the lack of any kind of solid connection, and not being able to help someone...just be happy, no...just be. I can't believe I've let my anxiety shoot way back up when I thought I was completely over letting it get this high or my spirits and motivation sink so low. Another person's irrational crisis is not my own. Another person's irrational hurt or drive, fears or obsessing is not on me. Just have to get rid of my own irrational level of anxiety so that can sink in!