Share stories about taking care of older parents.( and advice too)

[Carols Clucks]

I am so sorry you are not getting help and support from the hubby on this one Motor. He should be ashamed of himself for that, and spend a night in the chicken coop.


My thought is that if she ever has a demand like that again. That you laugh and tell her that if people heard her comments they might think she is nuts and will end up in a psych ward. And if she continues, offer her the pillow and point the direction to the coop so she can test it out for herself. If hubby is concerned, he should join her there.

 

[newfoundland]

As Spookwriter so eloquently and touchingly says, it is an honour to care for aging parents. That is not to say it is easy, but then bringing us up was not easy for them. I looked after my parents until they died and I have been glad every day since that I had that chance. It is a Hindu saying that parents are there when we take our first breath and we must be there when they take their last breath. Hard, but it's what we do for love.

 

[RedneckGurl]

I like your style Carols Clucks -- send both the hubby and the crazy lady to sleep in the coop! Poor chickens.

As to my own horror story of raising an elderly parent, we lost my father to recurring cancer and a bout of severe pancreatitis just over two years ago. It came on rather sudden so my mother had not had to do without someone around the house to do things for her like lift heavier items, clean out the gutters, etc. Daddy was perfectly capable of doing all those chores until practically overnight he was in the hospital and never came out. Fast forward just a few months from Daddy's funeral and my mother decides she needs to clean out the gutters herself - that very day - can't wait for the weekend to get help from me, my husband, or my sister. Not only does this woman prop the ladder against the house at an improper angle on uneven ground, she climbs up the ladder wearing nothing on her feet but her house slippers!!! The next thing she knows she's falling and wakes up on the ground with her next door neighbor on the phone to 911 because she was knocked unconscious by the fall. I get a panicked call from my sister telling me that I need to head to the emergency room in a neighboring city because our mother is being whisked that way in an ambulance with a head injury and possibly internal injuries as well. As it turns out, only a mild concussion and bumps and bruises - she was SO lucky. We have scolded her good and proper since then and have offered our assistance if she will only ask but instead she has meltdowns because none of her male neighbors offer to come clear the fallen limbs out of her yard after the storms. Never mind that all of the male neighbors around my mother are at least her age or older. She seems to be stuck in a time warp at times...forgetting that her neighbors are aging at the same rate she is and can't just run over and drag limbs to the street anymore like they could 10 or 20 years ago. I understand about letting older parents have their independence and not treating them like children, but it is sometimes difficult when they behave exactly like a spoiled child. So far, we've had no more instances of her doing life threatening things like climbing ladders in house slippers but my sister and I know the inevitable is coming and we'll need to be ready for more battles of will with her. I wish everyone out there who is struggling with this the best of luck. We are all going to need it!

 

[BullChick]

I am very happy for the support I am getting here. I do wonder if some misunderstood the relationship. I am a NEW wife, in my first marriage that has been thrust into this role as nurse. I do not owe this woman a thing. Not to say I am pouting about being her nurse. I am most upset about not being allowed to kiss my husband because she may see. No cuddling, holding hands, and making love? Nope. Couples do argue. I am not allowed. She is a hitter (no, age has not weakened that. It hurts like heck) and will happily hit me if she thinks my husband is upset.
I am stating this for the various people that are sending me Pm's and telling me I am not grateful. I can take advice, but some are telling me that I am a bad person. Period. A bad person never would have let her in, and re arranged their own life to appease her. I move furniture, food (food is kept in the bathroom closet, nick knacks are kept in the kitchen) and my home as well.

 

[chiques chicks]

I'm sorry people are treating you this way.
I'm making guesses here:
Your husband, regardless of age, still sees himself as the child in the relationship with aunt. She has always been in control and her has always done whatever required to please her thereby he gets what he wants. She is at an age where she can no longer be in control of everything, so she is scared. He has never had to make decisions, so he can't.
You are in a situation where both seem against you. They may not be, simply looking out for themselves the best way they know how. They are using their coping strategies.
While it is likely you would have to make some changes when caring for an elderly relative, much as you would for a child. You should not have to put your whole life on hold. Your husband needs, must; step in and help in this situation. If her doesn't, and is unwilling to make decisions, you must consider what type of man, and father, he is and will be.
Aunt sounds of as if she needs to be somewhere those with more training can force her to act in a more respectable way. She needs at least assisted living.
You do not deserve abuse. It sounds as if you are getting it both physically and emotionally. Please take time for you. I pray that you find someone who can help take care of your needs as you try to take care of the needs of others.
Please, please, feel free to talk, cry, scream, whatever you need to get through this time.
I hope someone can lead you to the help both you and she need
(I am not a professional, I am not a counselor. Just someone who hates seeing others hurting. Feel free to disregard anything I say. I may be full of chicken poop.)

 

[RedneckGurl]

Holy hell woman!!! You either need to kick her aged, albeit nasty, butt to the curb or your husband's... or maybe both! My first marriage ended for several reasons, but primary among those reasons was because my MIL was so horrible and controlling and my then husband could not or would not cut the umbilical cord. She constantly verbally degraded me and sniped at me (she knew better than to lay a hand on me though) but when I complained to him, I was told that I was imagining things or she really didn't mean it that way or, worst, I was accused of outright lying about the things she said. I'm not a Christian but I do know what the bible says about how a married man is supposed to put EVERYONE aside and place his wife and her needs and her happiness first, above his needs and everyone elses. If your husband can't do that perhaps you need to find one who will. My concern at this point would be HIS absolutely inexcusable behavior in allowing this woman to abuse you verbally and physically and allowing her to literally kick you out of your home. What kind of MAN does that? Not a REAL one, that's for sure. If he is okay with her exibiting this kind of behavior towards you, what could his be expected to be like in the future? It would scare the crap out of me to consider spending the rest of my life with someone who thought so little of me - plus it would just downright piss me off!

 

[newfoundland]

Caring for an elderly relative does not mean giving in to their every whim motorcyclechick. You must have a serious discussion with your husband. That he allowed you to be made to spend the night in a chicken coop, is entirely unforgivable. These are my suggestions, I hope they help.

Insist along with your husband that if the aunt stays it is on your terms. She is a guest in your home not the other way round.
Insist that she see a doctor if her behaviour deteriorates suddenly because, as said in another post, urinary tract infections, and the accompanying fever can lead to some very irrational behaviour.
Make sure she is in fact taking any prescribed medicine, and talk to her doctor about her challenging behaviour, he/she may be able to recommend some treatment.
Look for respite care outside the home, is there for example a day centre she can attend for a few hours to give you a break.
Although I have never agreed with treating the elderly like children, which is frustrating and disrespectful, they often have to be managed like children and there is a subtle difference. I mean of course they need shape and pattern to their day with the same things happening at the same time, for example meals etc. Routine is everything to the elderly and they thrive best, as indeed do children, if they have a reasonable routine imposed, in a gentle way, upon them.
The situation you describe is intolerable for you, it is simialr to the parents of unruly children so I heartily recommend you learn your no nonsense approach from 'supernanny'!

 

[cassie]

I do see that this thread died a year ago. By sharing here, though, I KNOW some people will see it because alerts are sent.
So, here goes. DH was a spoiled boy that went from house to house until he got what he wanted. He got what he wanted mostly from his Great Aunt. She is now 94. A few years ago, she got kicked out of one relative's house. Her late husband told her that if she were ever alone, a man would attack her. So, she walked down the lane to another nephew's house to sleep in their recliner. When she would get sick, she was always sent to my house. I have no real training but I have dealt with IVs and MRSA. That has been a re-occurring problem for her. After getting kicked out of that house, she would come to my house at night, and spend a few weekends a month with yet another relative because we went to different churches. It didn't take long to get kicked out of there too. She was just too mean and demanding. After about a month of just spending the night with me, she would insist on spending 24/7. My husband had nothing (and I do mean NOTHING) to do with her, so he didn't care. When I complained about the stress, he would tell me he couldn't make her leave. Then she got really sick, had a heart attack and stroke, another bout of MRSA, and then her thyroid became a problem. In and out of the hospital, I always stayed on her side. She is terrified of nursing homes, so I would talk to the doctor about why he wanted her in a nursing home. I hated the stress she was causing me, but fear is fear. She wasn't kidding about that.
She began to take seizures, and it was no longer a choice. She HAD to live with me. One night while my truck driving husband was home, she began yelling at me. I don't know if she had been having a bad dream or what, but she demanded I leave the house, and sleep in the chicken coop. Yes, my husband allowed it. No, I haven't forgiven him, It was a cold night.
The next morning she was told to either apologize or leave. She left. She was told by her sister and her sister's children that she couldn't stay with them. She was kicked out of a nursing home, and my DH's mother finally had enough of her yesterday. She is back here, and already telling me what to do.
Of all the stupid things, she is furious that the fresh eggs were not IMMEDIATELY refrigerated. I live in PA. It is cold, and the eggs were just laid. I cannot convince her that they will be okay for a few hours (or days, or even weeks) until I get them cleaned up. She is convinced margarine belongs on the counter for weeks until it is all used up.
I am more than 20 years younger than my husband. I want a baby not a granny. I put my life on hold at 17 to raise a nephew and little brother. I finished that job (a pleasure to raise my sweet nephew) only a few years ago. I cannot have Easter, my birthday, anniversary, Christmas, a vacation ... I must be with her inside the house when the sun sets or she cries. Longevity is on her side. She can live another 20 years.
Not that I wish her ill will! I just don't know how I am going to survive another two years (or was it three?) like I did before.

How dependent are you on your husband? Can you support yourself without him? The fact that he allowed you to be kicked out of your own house speaks volumes about how little he thinks of you. In my opinion, living with a man like that just isn't worth it on so many different levels. If I were you, and I am not, I would make formulating an exit strategy my first priority, and the aunt would have nothing to do with my decision. I cannot imagine living with someone who had so little regard for me and my welfare.

 

[redhen]

Yep...what a sick sick man to allow that to happen to his wife. Something major has to be wrong in his head..
Also..you have to take responsibility for that happening..you didn't HAVE to sleep in a chicken coop..
What would have happened if you didn't go outside and sleep in the coop...nothing..
So..that's on you..
Sorry..hate to say it.
About you having to take care of her...again..you don't HAVE to do anything. If you allow it to happen..then that's also on you.
Sounds like you agreed to this situation to appease your husband and to not create family problems..
You need to stand up for yourself..or just keep dealing with the issue. Only you can decide what to do to help yourself..
Good luck!

ETA: Yeah, just re-read my post... sorry that i sound like such a *itch...

 

[BullChick]

It has been an interesting few days around here. I was last on 4 days ago?
Thank you for the support. Re-reading my posts, I see that I missed adding a word or sentence here and there that would have made what I was saying much clearer.
Yes, my husband has problems. More than I will ever say. I will tell you that his sense of "but she's my family!" is stronger than "you are my wife" and his understanding of love, and right and wrong are not ... Well, understood!
On a happy note, Aunt Lee is moving into her own place. She will be okay, and she will be checked on. She is currently in good health, and I pray she stays that way until the end. I have gotten her blessing to "do whatever you want, Abi! It is your house. I just want you to respect me (which she has been praising me for doing!!) and let me feel useful." Apparently the last six months not being with me have been hard for her. Nice feeling, but I was glad for the break.
She is letting me know that she remembers the things I have done for her over the past several years, and does regret the way she acted six months ago. She is too proud to apologize. That is okay. She will be leaving in a few days or a week. As soon as the furnace is fixed in the trailer she will be living in. She actually decided yesterday to go ahead and move into the senior apartments in town when there is an opening (2-4 months). Until then she will be living in a furnished trailer in town behind a family member (albeit distant relative). He will check on her a few times a week, and she will go to the senior center (I have been trying for years to get her to go back there!) 4 times a week. When I am baking bread, I will bake (and cut) a loaf for her, and I will make up meals for her to microwave. I am sure others will also be willing to begin making extra food for her.
God is good, and I am grateful for all of your prayers!!