Should I? Family dynamics...

[SourRoses]

Awww... it was very sweet of you Gypsy to put so much time into these replies

Your words are very wise in regards to how others see love, act with it, and so on.. and you are very very right. So I do agree with you, yet I also have some things to add to explain where my thoughts come from... as it shouldn't be a surprise to us that the subject of love is a very complex one, with many different angles to be considered.

I fear that when I was referring to love and duty, you might have though I was infering the kind of love that brings about actions, and words of love, and time and commitment.

When I think of it, there are many kinds of love, with differing levels and intensities.

It would be the height of hubris to assume that one should be really deeply loved (by other humans) just for existing.

It's not quite the same to feel that one should be loved in a basic sense, as in being cared about.. if not your every thought and feeling, than your general well being... for being the result of that persons life and choices.

Know what I mean?


I know I think that EVERY parent needs to, would be remiss in not, loving their kids just for being their kids. But that doesen't mean the deep and abiding love that alot of parents have for their kids, and kids for their parents. It means just to care about them, in a general sense, about their well being and safety. Those loving actions of protection, nourishment, ect ect.. that most parents give to their children automatically, they come from place of love, even if it's not the love that makes them want to spend long hours in the childs company.


Thats really what I think about love. There is deeper love that goes far beyond that, where parents and children can enjoy spending time together, care about every little thing.. as well as different kinds of love for different life relationships.

I don't think siblings, cousins, ect necessarily feel a basic love for each other, those things are formed as bonds with time and so forth.

Like I don't expect my long lost half brother to love me at a basic level... he had no involvement in my creation, nor I in his.

I know that I would feel this basic love for my future children and grand children... but I also know I would love some on a deeper level due to personalities, time, and involvement.

Well... anyway... I don't want to get rolling too long here

But my reason for these thoughts comes down to...
My father being one of those people who thought love had to be earned. I never realized that was what he was about until one day, long after they divorced, I was passing through the house, and overheard him in a conversation with my mother.
He said.. "I don't love her because she hasn't done anything for me" quote. He went on to list things I hadn't done for him... including fetch him coffee, scratch his head, all things my brother did for him regularly.
I'm not saying this because it bothers me still, it doesen't much... but because, as Dr. Phil would say... it was one of those defining moments. It shaped my opinions, thoughts, and beliefs on what love was, when I took the time to think it all through.

I then steadfastly chose love that followed my mothers example. Love that is there regardless of what is done, if that person was one of the people that should be loved for their place in life. When time is spent and care given... that love can then be something you truly feel deeply as love.. an emotion for someone.
But if you find yourself, with someone for whom you have no deep connection, acting in a way that displays love, such as talking with, feeding, protecting.. ect ect... then love is there, even if it is too subtle to be noticed.

Probably I am going on too much, but anyway...

I don't expect Nana to send me Christmas presents, to DO anything. I just wish she would have taken the time to write me a letter, just once... or included me in a letter she still writes.
I know that I can be the person who does that, and I am going to try to be, but that doesen't mean that as the grandmother she shouldn't have done it first. It might sound petty, but it's what I think.

I'm not issolated from my feelings, I know what my heart tells me, and I trust my heart to be right all of the time.
And it says that she should have tried.
But nevermind, I'm going to be the one to do it. But it still doesen't make it right.


Perhaps those with greater years may find my true thoughts to be over-idealistic, naive, or worse, self absorbed.
However, I think ideals are worth holding as long as one can. That hope is strengthening. And there is a time for others, and a time for ones self.

 

[frostbite]

zzGypsy is spot on. Wise words from that quarter.

 

[zzGypsy]

you're 23, you're supposed to be idealistic

I can see you've thought about this a lot, keep doing that, there's more to learn, in every life.

one of the things I know, from being 52 instead of 23 is that my heart isn't always right... sometimes my heart is fooled. sometimes it's foolish. sometimes there's more to the picture than my heart knows, and I need to use my head just as much as my heart. i've learned things are often not as simple as I thought when I was 23. and also that many things are not as complex as I thought when I was 23.

to your dad's kind of love, I'd say that's not love, it's commerce. it's selfish and self centered. I'd say he sounds as if he thinks he's entitled to it.

so the interesting thing is that you've chosen your mother's kind of love to model yourself after, and the more you write, the more you sound like her. and yet your words in your first post or two sounded rather like your dad. she *should* love you, she *should* act in loving ways towards you. it's her duty.

see, it's often not as simple as we think

keep digging in, keep peeling off the layers, you'll be amazed what you find under there... at least I know I always am.

you're right, in a perfect world, your grandmother would be the one to start, she's the older, more experienced, more mature of the two of you. but hey, we have the world we have. so let go of what *should* have been and just embrace what you can do. that's a hard one when you're 23, so it's good to start on learning it now. don't wait, it'll save you lots of pain later. I think most folks don't learn that until they're in their mid or late thirties... some never learn it at all. feel free to be ahead of your time

court your grandmother, and see what you can do. let go of any little bit of anger or irritation that it isn't different than it is. let go of what it *should* have been. if you reveal yourself as you have here, you may yet be able to charm her into engaging with you. my guess is if it can be done, if it's possible at all, you'd be the one to do it.

 

[SourRoses]

I do NOT see the difference there you are talking about. I see me talking about different aspects of the same subject. The post daring to mention a word like duty was actually in the middle.
There was not anger in the original posting, there was hurt. Those things do not automatically add together for me.

However, thank you for your responses. I do appreciate your time.

I suppose it's just a little hard for others to make thorough sense of a situation from the outside, but I do appreciate your thoughts.

 

[MamaRoo]

I only skimmed some of the posts, so I'm not sure if you answered this or not.

Have you been writing to her for the last 13 years? Called her?

If you've made no effort to establish a relationship, why would you expect her to care about you? You're a complete stranger who happens to be related to someone who does care about her and write her letters.

 

[darkmatter]

Grandparents-----------whatchagonnado? Seems to be the same in every family. My kids were treated very differently then their cousins were by both sets of grandparents. And not in a positive way, things like purchasing expensive flashy toys for the cousins and hand-me-downs and castoffs for my kids. Seems to be the thought that my kids didn't need or appreciate stuff according to the grandparents-----only because my kids didn't whine and wheedle.

Joke is on them now, the grandkids they coddled and compensated for grew up to be emo unemployed bums and parasites. My kids are responsible adults with good relationships and full time jobs with benefits due to getting a good education and role models.

So the message is: Be true to oneself and your goals and don’t worry about relationships with family members.

 

[redhen]

Squish..i would try to call her and your uncle..
If she cant hear very well, uncle can help her with what you are saying,...
I would just call her and go from there.. see what happens..

 

[Mattemma]

Nothing clutters the mind like the past. Let go of the anger and pain.



My suggestion is to contact your Aussie family and set up a visit.Start saving. Time you meet up with family and replace those long outdated and incorrect views some have of you. Sit with your family and share your life with them.Maybe they will in turn do the same.Don't spend time bickering over the past and hurt feelings. The trip may not change how she feels about you or treats you,but YOU will change.