Signs of a Child Molestor/Sexual Predator

[EweSheep]

OK, moms and dads, I am paranoid about my 5 year old DD and wanted to teach her to do the right thing and avoid things that would happen or might happen.

What are the right things to say to her if you do not want anyone else (including males or any male familyand friend members or a disturbed female member) about the touching of private parts. I know her family doctor is allowed to inspect private parts IF he sees something not right or some yeast infection going on due to her soapy baths. She will not give up her soapy baths so if you moms got something more gentle and does not give her yeast infections or bacterial infections, advise me of a product that she can play in the tub!
I dont want to scare her about child molestors or worse but how would I explain to her to tell her parents if something is just not "right"?

I have seen this from time to time and it makes me nervous. People giving my DD hugs, innocent it may be but it makes me uncomfortable. It is the people, total strangers would give her a hug when asked but I know my hubby does this too. Can people be too over friendly (crossing boundaries?) and that is their nature?????? My hubby is very overfriendly to little girls too and I often tell him to back off because it makes the moms uncomfortable having a stranger asking her daughters for hugs. What is acceptable and NOT acceptable? Hubby thinks it does not hurt anyone and that is what we differ on that one about strangers hugging kids or telling kids to hug them. I know my hubby loves kids but not in a sexual way but loves to get down to their level and be a kid all over again, playing and rough housing with them. Now it is time to set boundaries. I do not want any moms getting mad at hubby for hugging her daughter or anyone else for that matter and hurt his pride. He loves his daughter with all his heart and hates child molestors and if they ever, ever hurt his daughter, he would go after them and they will be so sorry ever touching our DD that way. I know people do like hugs to relieve the stress and thoughtful in someone is caring for them or deep paternal or maturnal feelings toward a child. Some people are touchy feely as seen more often in older generation which they do reach out and touch people like myself as well.

So what can a mother do?????????? What are the signs????????????? Not like looking for my dog or giving candy and money to a kid to do their dirty deed, thats old news but the new stuff out there is what troubles me. Having two girls being dead by kidnapping makes me wonder what the heck the world is coming down to!

 

[Chickerdoodle13]

The truth is, you never really know what someone is capable of doing until they do it. My dad taught my brother and I to always be aware of our surroundings and its the truth. Anyone is capable of anything.

However, I think what you should do is have a talk with your DD about strangers. At this age, she may not understand why people would want to touch her innappropriately, but you can tell her that if anyone (other than a doctor) tries to touch her privates, that she should let you know immediately. Then just give her the typical stranger talk...like don't go with anyone you don't know, don't give out personal information, stay close to you and dad while out in a busy area, etc.

Even though there are some scary people out there, I wouldn't be overly paranoid about it. Things happen and the best we can do is be prepared. Your daughter is five, so you can still keep a very close eye on her without smothering her. Just be aware of those around her and if you feel bad about someone, go with your gut. There are no sure tell signs of a child molester unless they are on a list somewhere and have already committed a crime. The one thing I can tell you is that people who commit sexual crimes on minors are usually people the child knows well, rather than total strangers.

As for your husband, I have to agree with you on this one. Unfortunately in this world, I don't think it is right for a grown up to touch any child they don't know, simply for legal reasons. I do believe that he means no harm, but someone else may not and all it takes is one child to say "He touched me". If the parent has turned away or is not present, they will take the word of the child and unfortunately your husband won't have much of a defense in court! (Wacky world we live in) So just let him know to be careful. I know my parents would not have wanted any stranger touching, hugging, or even asking questions of my brother and I when we were little.

 

[Camelot Farms]

I recommend accessing the child sexual assault prevention program in your state. They will have the best resources and information.

Some programs will send you information and training materials that you can use with your child.

If you cant find one in your state, PM me and I can get it for you.

I appreciate your proactive stand.

 

[Elite Silkies]

I tell my kids everyday what could happen. I make sure they see all of the children that have been kidnapped and explain to them what happened.

I never let my children walk to school or play outside by themselves. I am very over protective of my children.

As far as the soapy bathes, I can't take them either. It's the perfume in the bubble bath. Try and find her some that is scent free. That may help. I know kids love bubble bathes, but yeast infections over time can cause more serious problems.

 

[EweSheep]

Chickendoodle, I think you said it very well. We will never know what kind of people we are dealing with. We are from the old school and we never had those kind of issues to worry about kids like that. Now we do and every hug and move that one makes, we kinda get paranoid about it. We had grandparents and parent's friends(we do not know them) giving us hugs, kisses and a pat on the rear for a good job we did. Sure we loved those kind of affections and praises, and I am sure my DD does too! How far is too far??? That's the problem.

With hubby, I will have to keep reminding him to rein on those hugs later until he gets to know the kids AND their moms even at school. Some would avoid him like a hot potato and others would just run up to him and give him hugs despite of the mom's dismayal about her DD's careless manner of hugging strangers. He does have some boundary issues on that but still thinks it is perfectly OK to hug a child. (NO, it isn't, not nowadays!). Even the little boys get on the bandwagon with him,, getting the hugs away from the girls! Believe it or not, he does the same thing for dogs and cats, getting them to come and he would hug the snots out of them, even it came close ONCE a dog got squeezed too hard, nearly snapping his head off with his canine teeth.

You bet I would be hovering around anyone, young or old, who does this to my DD despite of my distaste of strangers hugging her. Even my father knows of this too and he sees that at the mall and playgrounds too. Not necessarily the same people but lately people are going thru a huggy stage.

 

[Abby's mom]

some of the things that have been taught were not so well thought out...

stranger danger
good touch bad touch

stranger danger is good in theory but it does not address the fact that almost (not all) molestations are family members, close family friends, or those that have been put in a trust position... there is however the very small % that were total strangers

good touch bad touch... well define a bad touch?... does it hurt? yes
now define good touch.. things may feel "good" because the feelings of being aroused are there from a very early age... so it feels good for someone to touch there... but in reality its wayyyy over the boundary

my approach with my grand kids has been this..
no one touches anywhere your bathing suit covers, and then yes we get into the questions of one piece or 2 piece and the conversation goes in all different directions and we talk about things and talk it out

but my son has also taught his dd that even the doctor needs to have mommy or grandma in the room

grown ups also need to be aware of our actions too... no touchy touchy ever.. hugs to a child that is not yours..never..
talking to a child you dont know... never..

most times children feel intimidated by an adult doing something even as innocent as talking.

story: my co-worker's children are 12 and 7. They were waiting for their school bus and a man walking his dog started talking to them (older man)

co-worker went to the bus stop and asked the man to refrain from talking to her kids we teach our children not to talk to strangers and here is a stranger talking to them.. he apologized profusely and explained that he was a retired school teacher and it was habit to talk to kids. He gave the name of his old school and his name, she checked it out all is well again...

but here is a grown man who just by talking to the kids about his dog made the kids feel pressured into a conversation

its a sad sad sick world that we cant even trust our own neighbors now

 

[Rosalind]

Frankly, the overwhelming majority of child abuse, including sexual abuse, is committed by trusted family and friends of the family. It just doesn't make the news so much, maybe because it is so much more common? Children being abused by family members happens every day, the family law courts are chock-full of such cases, but strangers abusing children is fairly rare in comparison.

Ages ago, when I was in college and volunteering for shelters and that sort of thing, the most troubling aspect to me was that parents often did not believe the abuse had occurred--they were sure that Dear Old Uncle Joe would never, ever do such a nasty thing, or that New Boyfriend who was so sweet and kind to children could have an evil motivation. So often the abuse would go on a long, long time because the parents refused to believe anything was wrong, even after professionals (teachers, pediatricians) told them that they needed to do something and that CPS would be paying them a visit. They had a million excuses why their child must be lying or fantasizing or what have you, all of which were pretty sickening to hear. I still have co-workers who took their children to church where a very famous child molestation case (actually, several cases over several decades) occurred, who STILL don't want to believe that anything bad ever happened. They figure a clergyperson could never do such a thing, although the molesters in question have admitted their crimes.

I guess I would say the best thing to do would be to tell your child that if anyone, ANYONE makes them feel uncomfortable, they should feel free to tell you all about it right away. And then follow through on that: Even if they say your bestest friend or your beloved relative is the one they say isn't behaving appropriately, be sure to take them very, very seriously.

 

[Hoosiermomma]

Quote:
I agree, I plan on contacting our local program this week....We just found out recently our neighbor's son has been labeled as such. I'm not exactly sure what he's been convicted of or when (since he has a daughter and baby girl now)but we came across his picture in the paper. Thank God he doesn't live there but even when he visits, my guard is always up.

 

[Dar]

my son is the victim of sexual assault

here are the facts:

this was a trusted friend of the family who we have known for about 6 years before he started molesting my son

we had family BBQ's (his family and ours)
we had family vacations

he was a trusted soccer coach

he was an art teacher

My DS is now 18 and just old us about the assaults in 2007 (the actual assault happened in 2001/2002) we are still dealing with he courts and the matter is scheduled for trial in Oct 2010

There are no "signs" to look for we thought we knew this man, he "groomed" our whole family for 6 years

these sickos are very talented (if you can call it a talent) they know what they are doing and know how to hide what they are

when i reported this to the police, the officer asked me what i would like to happen.. my response was.. at least get him on the sexual predators registry. the officer said he is, and has been since 2001

he is a 3X convicted child sex offender, he was on probation when he assaulted my son. Canadian law says the max this sicko will get with a 4th conviction is 15 years but will be out in about 6

I want to post his name so you can google search and see the newspaper reports for yourself but i know a mod will delete so i will fight the urge .. he should not have the right to privacy...

 

[Sillystunt]

Quote:

I am so sorry!

My son was a molested by another 4 year old child. She was repeating an action she saw. I do not blame her! I blame her junkie parents.

So teaching your kids about bad touch and good touch must be for all ages of people! And i search people on the predator search when i meet them gh
Never can be to safe! I also have a no shut door policy in my house with the children i keep and my own. Just leads to places that are not supervised.

I have also drilled in my kids head, what a perp will say! And how it is NEVER true and they LIE! Never to be afraid to tell a safe person(teacher, parent, friend,etc)
I also never let my daughter sleep at peoples houses when she was younger, but she could have who ever sleep over my house.