So....talk about.....CANCER SUPPORT THREAD !!

[richarddhoward]

So update on my Dad:

He has stopped chemo and all other treatments, and is losing himself to the cancer. While it wasn't a possibility that he would beat it, we had hoped for more time. He is losing memory, he has a twitch, lost the ability to walk 2 months ago, and is mumbling badly. He was trying to get me to take him home from the nursing center today, but he can't walk. He got really upset with me, but there is nothing I can do about it, we don't have the ability to care for him there, and he won't remember it tomorrow. It hurt a lot that he was mad at me, even though he won't have any memory of it an hour later. He is sleeping poorly, he eats well sometimes, and not others. He was my superhero as a kid, and my superhero is now facing his kryptonite, and there isn't a **** thing I can do about it.

We did get Mom and Grandma moved north to Olympia to a retirement center, which is better for both of them, as they can't take care of the homes they resided in, and I can't take care of both of those either and work full time. We have mandatory overtime at work, and I've been moving Mom and Grandma, 66 years and 89 years young north, and it's been a struggle. Oh and forgot my sister too, who has a mental disorder that prevents her from being a solid human being to put it nicely. She moved into a new apartment, and is giving my mother grief for various reasons.

To all of you out there struggling like me, keep your head up, there are more people out there wanting to help you than you know. I certainly found that out. Happy Holidays, or as in my household Merry Christmas.

 

[richarddhoward]

For many, there comes a time when the chemo isn't beneficial any more, and viable options aren't there. That's where she is now. We added it up, and found that Beth was on 7 different chemotherapies and 181 treatments over the past 11 years, the last one was effective for nearly 4 years. 8 major surgeries as well.

So the plan now is to make her as comforable as we can, so that she can enjoy the time she has remaining with us. She actually feels much better now that she isn't getting chemo any more

This is where we are at with Dad, except the cancer is worse than the chemo. It has gotten to his head, literally. I hope she has a more peaceful time than my father is having.

 

[3goodeggs]

So update on my Dad:

He has stopped chemo and all other treatments, and is losing himself to the cancer. While it wasn't a possibility that he would beat it, we had hoped for more time. He is losing memory, he has a twitch, lost the ability to walk 2 months ago, and is mumbling badly. He was trying to get me to take him home from the nursing center today, but he can't walk. He got really upset with me, but there is nothing I can do about it, we don't have the ability to care for him there, and he won't remember it tomorrow. It hurt a lot that he was mad at me, even though he won't have any memory of it an hour later. He is sleeping poorly, he eats well sometimes, and not others. He was my superhero as a kid, and my superhero is now facing his kryptonite, and there isn't a **** thing I can do about it.

We did get Mom and Grandma moved north to Olympia to a retirement center, which is better for both of them, as they can't take care of the homes they resided in, and I can't take care of both of those either and work full time. We have mandatory overtime at work, and I've been moving Mom and Grandma, 66 years and 89 years young north, and it's been a struggle. Oh and forgot my sister too, who has a mental disorder that prevents her from being a solid human being to put it nicely. She moved into a new apartment, and is giving my mother grief for various reasons.

To all of you out there struggling like me, keep your head up, there are more people out there wanting to help you than you know. I certainly found that out. Happy Holidays, or as in my household Merry Christmas.

Richard,
You are having a time of it that is for sure.My Grandmother wanted us to take her home. But she was home. We were caring for her there. I think she wanted to go 'Back" and I did not blame her. Back was so much better. I think We should all get to hit fifty and then start growing young again until we just embryo out of here.
I am sorry your dad is in so much pain. Hopefully they can control the 'pain' part, but the pain of him falling apart is what is hurting you so much. Deep breaths and try to only worry about the things that you actually can have any control over, and as my aunt constantly told me..because it is hard to do and I had to hear it a lot, give the rest to God.

I was thinking about you last week and wondering how things were going, so thank you for posting and letting us know. Take care of yourself in this journey.

 

[3goodeggs]

Sorry double post. glitchy this morning.

 

[chickisoup]

As I said earlier, I am the "other side" of this coin. This is why I have a VERY CLEAR durable legal medical power of attorney document spelling out in plain language what I do and do not want done to keep me alive. When quality of life turns into only quantity, LET ME GO!

AS FOR ME---My family knows that if and when my treatment is only to give them more time to say goodbye, that is not acceptable to me, that is not loving me.

Today's medicine capabilities has far outreached what is legally and morally in the patient's best interest. If my body is failing to the point where my dignity is being taken from me and/or my mind is losing it's ability to know and love you, let me go! These are my feelings and should be my choice and honored. If I choose to fight fine. Stand with me and help me fight! If I decide I have had enough, whether or not you agree, I am the one suffering not you, both mentally and physically, I know you love me, I understand making the decision is hard, but just remember, you must make it based upon what is best for me.
I am a Christian, I am going home and will see you soon. I also hope that by making my wishes clear, I am removing the burden of guilt from my loved ones. I have also made it clear ahead of time that, should I linger, and unable to care for myself, please do whatever is best for all, even if that means putting me in a "home" . To me that is the most horrifying thought but I love my family enough to ease the burden (and guilt) off their shoulders.

I understand being the caregiver and loving the person your losing and letting go, been there. Now that I am "the other side of the coin" I have a bit more of a unique perspective and am a.staunch outspoken defender of patient's rights to choose what they believe is right for them and their body and their lives.

PLEASE MAKE CERTAIN YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES HAVE--- A DURABLE MEDICAL LEGAL POWER OF ATTORNEY ---- ON FILE WITH THEIR DOCTORS! And have a copy readily available to your loved ones. Also choose your executor wisely.

 

[3goodeggs]

That was so well stated. Sometimes going through it as the survivor solidifies what you stated so well in our own minds. I hope You are doing well with the medical interventions at this point. Sometimes they are miracles, and sometimes not. It is all about quality of time, whether we are sick or not.

 

[Carols Clucks]

While not related to Cancer,

When my dad was in the hospital, with his durable power of attorney on file, and his wishes well known, we discovered that there are massive gray areas not covered.

Like what if a minor surgery might save him? But what if the damage already done has effected him so much he would never leave a nursing home. There are so many what ifs.

Write down what you consider to be your quality of life, what is important to you, what risks you are willing to take, what outcomes are not acceptable.

 

[3goodeggs]

Even though we are relatively healthy, I also have discussed how much debt I am willing for him to incur, and at what level quality and time out weighs the money, or at what point the money out weighs the time.
There are a lot of factors to consider. I do not want my husband living the rest of his life in abject poverty so he can have another six months with me. I really do not want that.

 

[chickisoup]

 Even though we are relatively healthy,  I also have discussed how much debt I am willing for him to incur, and at what level quality and time out weighs the money, or at what point the money out weighs the time.
    There are a lot of factors to consider. I do not want my husband living the rest of his life in abject poverty so he can have another six months with me. I really do not want that.

Amen! Exactly! That is why I stressed so strongly quality over quantity. You try talking dollars and cents and you will always get the push back "money doesn't matter!!! I'll worry about that later!". Emotions Of the time will totally outweigh your loved one's logic so it is important that you have on paper this is what you want FOR YOU! One thing I left out earlier was I stressed home hospice when the time comes. I did this because IT IS CHEAPER AND OFTEN FREE OR 100% COVERED BY INSURANCE when hospitalization or nursing home is not. Our area has a wonderful home hospice support organization (I know because I did hospice for two neighbors Ann assisted in third) . This something everyone needs to look into before you think you need to. More urban areas often have many choices.


Carols Clucks brings up another point I overlooked. It is critical when writing up your document, you set down with someone who is NOT a loved one!!! A trusted, intelligent friend, attorney, etc, who by the way , in my case, is also a good friend so I had the best of both. These people will help you cover the "what ifs" you may not think of. Also, many hospitals now offer free classes for the general public.

 

[chickensnewtome]

When Mom got close to the end, I only wish that I could have got the quaility over quantity thru to her but she was convinced that chemo and radiation were her only chance. We lost her 2 short weeks after her 50th birthday. This Christmas is our first without her and although the kids and nursing school have kept me busy, my dad has recently moved in and I miss her even more. I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Keep your head high and let God lead the way.