Some days are just too much

I knew before moving here that going from the city to the country would be difficult and in fact it has been. But having these chickens and ducks and pheasants and the whole slew of poultry that we've acquired over this short period of time has really given me a sense of purpose lately. I look forward to waking up early in the morning to feed the birds and set the ducks out to free range. I just spend the morning in the coop, about a half hour I'd say, just tossing corn, petting the chicks that run around my feet waiting for things to drop, oh and playing "The Game" with Kuri.
Kuri is my favorite, and currently only, rooster and Loves to jump for morsels that I hold in the air a good two or three feet above his head.
As you might be able to tell I have a serious connection to my poultry. Despite the fact that many of them are being raised for meat. We have already culled some members of the flock and it was very difficult for me the first few times and still gives me a twinge of sadness to this day. But I'd rather morn the loss of an animal than be desensytized to its death.
Which made today especially hard. We hve a second batch of chicks that we had ordered and are raising, but today ten of them died inexplicably. We have several theories as to what happened and I cleaned out the coop completely in case of a spreading disease. Since these babies were only a couple weeks old I'm not really broken up by thier passing. We did what we could. Today though, Little Wade also left us.
Little Wade was one of my first ducklings. When we first got the chickens I pushed for months to get ducks because I love them so much. Finally my fiance cracked and gave me the go ahead at a fur and feather swap. I picked out 8 ducklings and had successfully raised them all to be 7 weeks of age. I though I was in the clear but Little Wade repeatedly hurt her leg over the last week and a half fluctuating from bad to good. Finally it took a severe turn for the worse yeaterday and by the time I came home from work today she was gone. I put so much time effort and personal attention and love into raising her and her siblings that this passing just hit me the hardest of any yet.
i know that on a farm the comings and goings of life and death are going to be far more visible than what you find in the city. Part of me hopes that as the years go on it will get easier. But I really don't want it to get easier. I want to every life on this farm to have meaning to it, and when it is time to shed a tear, say a prayer, remember them fondly even if they be birds. I just hope I have strength to do it.

I just needed to get this off my chest. thank you

 

Wow, seriously, wow! Thank you all so much for the kind words and hugging emoticons Yesterday was a tough one for me, however I still have close to two hundred other children who need me to care for them so I'm picking up and moving on. I am taking what I've learned with me and took some extra time in the coop with Kuri.
LOL some of the little chicks who are only six or seven weeks are enthralled by the game and one of the sultans tried to jump for a treat today. But being that he's only 4-5 inches tall right now he couldn't get very far so I had to lower the treat for him. I'm taking it as a good omen.