Sometimes we're born into the wrong family **long**

[Laurajean]

Quote:
This "realization" you mentioned is really a process. I came to my realization long before I actually cut ties. Unfortunately, people in our position tend to mull it over for a very long time, contemplate it, feel too guilty and stay in touch, etc. I HOPE the OP has come to a clear realization now, but the fact is, she may need to hear all this several times and think about it a lot more before she cuts ties. And again, just to be clear, I'm not recommending that you cut ties Kara, but I suppose I am sort of implying it. Because as long as they are NOT changing and NOT showing remorse, it shows this is a pattern with them that will *likely* never change. So you either have to decide to stay in touch, while somehow staying in touch with your sanity (something I was never able to do), or you need to cut your ties and go give yourself the happy life you deserve, surrounded by LOVING people.

PS: And babylady4, you are very right about the "fixing it" thing. We were brought up thinking our SOLE PURPOSE was to fix our families, it's a hard realization to come to the conclusion that you can't.

 

[chawk]

Quote:
This "realization" you mentioned is really a process. I came to my realization long before I actually cut ties. Unfortunately, people in our position tend to mull it over for a very long time, contemplate it, feel too guilty and stay in touch, etc. I HOPE the OP has come to a clear realization now, but the fact is, she may need to hear all this several times and think about it a lot more before she cuts ties. And again, just to be clear, I'm not recommending that you cut ties Kara, but I suppose I am sort of implying it. Because as long as they are NOT changing and NOT showing remorse, it shows this is a pattern with them that will *likely* never change. So you either have to decide to stay in touch, while somehow staying in touch with your sanity (something I was never able to do), or you need to cut your ties and go give yourself the happy life you deserve, surrounded by LOVING people.

PS: And babylady4, you are very right about the "fixing it" thing. We were brought up thinking our SOLE PURPOSE was to fix our families, it's a hard realization to come to the conclusion that you can't.

Its been a year since I cut ties. I'm 41. While the level of physical abuse was low, the mental was excrutiating. You are so so so right about patterns. I just don't want my kids to see the person they turn me into when I react. my DH told me for YEARS to just STOP... stop letting them do this. It wasn't until he was totally disrespected that I finally realized that it wouldn't end til I ended it. So now I'm still dealing with it, but people around me understand that 41 years of hurt don't go away in a minute. I'm happy though. Much happier than i thought I would be. I'm dealing with MY issues now that I've cancelled my subscription to hers. I'm very lucky that I do still have my Dad in my life.. He is amazing. They divorced when I was very young, and for a long time he tried to get me to get right with her. I finally told him it won't be right if I'm always the wrong one. Too many things to list here, but believe me between she and my sister they made my life miserable. Its hard to cut ties but I can tell you it is worth it.. to your health, and your soul

 

[booker81]

Quote:
This "realization" you mentioned is really a process. I came to my realization long before I actually cut ties. Unfortunately, people in our position tend to mull it over for a very long time, contemplate it, feel too guilty and stay in touch, etc. I HOPE the OP has come to a clear realization now, but the fact is, she may need to hear all this several times and think about it a lot more before she cuts ties. And again, just to be clear, I'm not recommending that you cut ties Kara, but I suppose I am sort of implying it. Because as long as they are NOT changing and NOT showing remorse, it shows this is a pattern with them that will *likely* never change. So you either have to decide to stay in touch, while somehow staying in touch with your sanity (something I was never able to do), or you need to cut your ties and go give yourself the happy life you deserve, surrounded by LOVING people.

PS: And babylady4, you are very right about the "fixing it" thing. We were brought up thinking our SOLE PURPOSE was to fix our families, it's a hard realization to come to the conclusion that you can't.

Isn't that the truth!!

I was thinking about this thread when I was driving home today, and thinking about the big differences between healthy and unhealthy relationship. Normal people treat those close to them with love in order to keep them close. They respect each other, listen and communicate back and forth. They try to do things that are nice to each other, and enjoy being friendly. If one person does something mean or hurtful, they usually feel guilty afterward and try to make up to the hurt party.

Many of us who grew up with alcoholism/addiction/abuse don't grow up with learning or understanding that kind of relationship. One side often rules the other mentally, and the other side starts down the horrible road of enabling. The bad side will do their self destructive behavior, and the enablers will feel guilty about it, not the person who is acting horrible. The enablers will try and try and try and try to do the right thing - treat the other person with love, ignore them for years, scream at them, everything that you're "supposed" to get the person who's doing harm to stop and either feel guilt on their own or to make them see how badly they hurt us. We WANT them to stop being idiots. We WANT them to see we love them. Sometimes even, we WANT to make them hurt inside like we hurt.

Of course, it never works. Ever. The funny thing is, we don't stop enabling, because we thing maybe if we love them, punish them, or ignore them just enough, it might work for us.

It doesn't.

It's hard to get out of the trap of being an enabler in the true sense. Very hard. It takes years of practicing how to set and keep boundaries, and relearning how to be in a normal relationship that doesn't have guilt hardwired as a mode of communication. Most importantly it's hardest to get in the mindset of putting yourself first in your thoughts, and not worrying about the thoughts of people who you don't know, or more importantly the people who do know you but like to hurt you. The only people you should take to heart are the people who love and respect you. It's also hard to relearn how to communicate to those who really love you and care for you when you are upset or angry - this is still one I struggle with. I keep getting this stupid voice in my head that tells me that DH doesn't want to hear it or can't help me - when in reality he's desperate to know how I'm feeling because I've stopped talking to him. I need to realize he doesn't need to fix my problems or stress, but I need to at least give him the chance to comfort me or listen to me. If I shut him out because I'm anticipating based on past relationships, I don't do him any justice. He's got big shoulders, I just need to realize I can lean on them every now and then, I don't have to survive everything on my own anymore.

 

[3goodeggs]

wow.
yes.
Same thoughts, same husband... we are not such islands are we?
wow. this thread is changing so much of me. i have gone through so much pain in the last four years.
The guilt, the depression, the anger, the despair... I had to get out.
Caller id is the most wonderful thing on the planet.
It takes such backbone to grab our lives back, but we were reared to be invertebrates, so ... it's just so difficult. I am proud of us. we are growing up.

I finally got my ear pierced. I am in the second half of my century and I finally went behind their backs and got my ears pierced.

My friend and I celebrated being 'all grown up' and went to lunch.
and I like the sparklies.

I am GOING to be happy now. I think painful thoughts briefly and force myself to flush them from my mind. I choose to be happy. And it takes some serious work to be happy. doormat no more. whipping boy no more. They made their bed... ect ect.

 

[KinderKorner]

I've been reading this topic for a while. I'm struggling with my own family right now. Except my dad is the problem. He is highly depressed and has mental problems that has turned him completely unto a different person than the loving father I barely remember. Just yesterday he decided to quit his job of 7 years because he thinks they are picking on him without warning. Leaving my poor mother who already works 6 or 7 days a week and is about to start college again in the fall to pick up the money we will be missing of another full time job paycheck.

He tears our family apart yet me and mom love him. I know he is a bad influence in my life and he is damaging me emotionally and mentally and making me into a person I don't want to be. I will be getting married in a year or two and finally he rid of the stress he is putting on me. But I worry everyday for my mother. I'm the only thing in her life that keeps her sane. I fear what will happen once I'm gone.

 

[kara_leigh]

I'm so torn. Do I call my dad and wish him happy fathers day? In my gut I don't want to b/c I don't want to deal with anything he could possibly throw at me. I feel guilty for not wanting to, though. *sigh*

 

[3goodeggs]

Quote:
I know.
exactly.
you are eaten up over an omission, but you are not 'not' talking to him to hurt him, you are doing it not to get hurt. we look at the past experiences and have lost hope for any change. That isn't our fault.
what is Einstein's definition of insanity? something along the lines of doing the same thing over and over again and still expecting change?
If you will sleep better being hurt than feeling guilty, call him.
Guilt if you don't, hurt if you do.

I wish everyone had the great family. I wish every child felt loved and safe. I wish there were no mental illness or addictions.

And I wish you a good night's sleep, no matter what you decide to do.

 

[I have WHAT in my yard?]

Quote:
Oh Baby.

Father's Day is a man made creation a designated day to honor people that we either honor or don't every day. What silliness. A sperm donor does not a father make..... social norms that push you to honor them does not mean you have to...


About the book --- I read my first copy at the library!! Remember them?? They're also lovely places to just BE.

Breathe. Exist. You are OK exactly as you are. Today, right now.

Print that last line. Stick it to your bathroom mirror. Tape it to your front door. Repeat it until you believe it. Start with: repeat it until you believe that I believe it, you'll believe it later......

 

[kara_leigh]

Quote:
I know.
exactly.
you are eaten up over an omission, but you are not 'not' talking to him to hurt him, you are doing it not to get hurt. we look at the past experiences and have lost hope for any change. That isn't our fault.
what is Einstein's definition of insanity? something along the lines of doing the same thing over and over again and still expecting change?
If you will sleep better being hurt than feeling guilty, call him.
Guilt if you don't, hurt if you do.

I wish everyone had the great family. I wish every child felt loved and safe. I wish there were no mental illness or addictions.

And I wish you a good night's sleep, no matter what you decide to do.

That's funny, b/c my husband said the same thing to me the other day when I was upset about my mom and sister. They aren't going to change, but I keep expecting (or maybe hoping?) them to.

I decided to enjoy my day with my husband, so I didn't call him. I sent him a message on Facebook (which I'm sure some would say is the chicken s*** way out) wishing him a happy father's day instead. Today has been very relaxing, and I'd like to keep it that way. Calling him would probably upset me and put me in a really bad mood, so I'd rather not do that.

 

[LadyAndHerPeeps]

Not to down anyone but I find it Very sad that people talk bad about family in an open forum even if you dont get along,why tell the world what you feel are your familys faults? More so when one can not defend themselves on here to complete strangers.How does anyone know what is truth and what is not. Anyway like I said I find it just sad.Good Luck .


HAPPY FATHERS DAY TO ALL FATHERS!