Well I think if all you got was an email, and you didn't go to the funeral, you are in denial, or refusing to face that the person has died.
We have to remember, that if we drag our tail around for years after a person dies, we are actually dishonoring them. Oh yes. We really are. They would never, ever wish that on us. They don't do what they do to make other people miserable.
Funerals are NOT something to avoid for false reasons like 'I want to remember him as he was'. That's an excuse. Go to the funeral. Funerals have existed since ancient times for a very, very good reason.
We actually need and crave such things. That is something even the most ancient human beings that ever lived, recognized. We are now finding evidence that over 100,000 years ago, people conducted funerals. And certainly if one is a Christian believer, the Bible tells us that funerals were very, very important to people. We have this tradition because we NEED it. Funerals fulfill a very important purpose.
Caring for the person's family, reaching out to their friends, the whole funeral arrangement and all, all are our first steps towards accepting and acknowledging a person's death. We need these steps. These steps get us started on the road of doing our grief work. We NEED to do this. The more you try to run away from it and avoid it, the more the death seems unreal, and the more we drag out the process of our grief work, and the more it festers and pains us.
Losing people - loved ones - even our pets - this is a part of life, when we sign up for all good moments of life, we also sign on for a certain amount of loss and grief. We need to learn how to deal with it. When we look back at the end of our own lives, we can do so with acceptance, with peace, with the memory of a rich life that made us stronger, more resilient, more able to help and love others. That is, if we learn to deal with loss and grief of others, then we make our lives stronger, richer and more able to give to others.
I think it would be very important for you to visit his grave, to attend a memorial service dedicated to our servicemen and women, to write yourself a letter about what this person meant to you - and to cry.
Have a good hard cry. Go for it.
After a number of years, a death like this never really 100% leaves you - there will always be a sort of scar, a sad memory, a feeling of loss.
But what you MUST work toward....is ACCEPTANCE.
Acceptance doesn't mean grieving resignation, shaking your fist at the sky or being overcome with anger or depression and being paralized and unable to enjoy your life after this.
Acceptance is a feeling of peaceful acknowlegement that what happened...happened. And that you and this person, enriched each other's lives.
You need to come to a sense of satisfaction that you were a positive part of this person's life.
We don't always have our loved ones for as long as we want. What we MUST do is acknowledge how much we gave to each other, how they brightened our days, and how we brightened theirs. And that they are gone now.
You will be happier overall and more satisfied with life, if you accept this. It's alright to cry, it's alright to grieve. But to become numb, unaccepting, to not come to terms with that person being gone, that's to commit suicide inside of yourself! And you KNOW that person would never, ever want that for you.
We often feel the need to punish ourselves when someone bad happens to someone else.
But to do this simply is not our right, it is not our privilege. Some people do this, I think, so that they have CONTROL over how they suffer. Punishing themselves makes them feel, at least they aren't sitting there waiting for something to befall them. Other people, I truly believe, punish themselves because their own suffering brings them attention. There's nothing like the sympathy and attention of some kind person who sees us beating our chest and shouting to the world how we suffer (either silently by punishing ourselves, or louder, by declaring it out loud).
Your friend did NOT commit suicide with the intent of making you miserable. People commit suicide because they feel they must. But none of them want us to be miserable TOO! They often express very sad regrets that they must, but for one reason or another, people become convinced that this is their only way out.
We can't always understand another person's pain.
What we CAN do, is accept what happened to them, and go on to live our lives, helping others, loving others, and taking good care of ourselves. So that as few people in the world as possible, ever think they have no other way to deal with their pain.
Go to a therapist and talk. If you can't do that, go out to a beautiful place by yourself, and sit down, and look all around you at the beautiful world that God made, and have a good hard cry, and say out loud, or write down, how you feel, how this person made you feel when they were alive, and how their death made you feel. What fears did it churn up in you, and what were your thoughts at the time. Were you angry at being left? SAY SO. Were you afraid at what the future would bring? SAY SO. SAY IT ALL. Did you feel numb, dull, like you were asleep, couldn't feel? SAY SO. SAY IT ALL. ALL OF IT, the good, the bad and the ugly. Get it right out there.
Then, what you need to do is write ANOTHER version. This is everything that was ADDED to your life. Or that you added to his life. Take THIS LETTER out on the person's birthday - no - not the day of their death. Take it out on their birthday. Read it, and remember what made you happy about this person, and learn about yourself - what you value in another person, what is important to you. Learn about yourself, and go on and do what you are supposed to do when you lose a great person in your life:
Take all the good things that they gave you, and pack them away and carry them with you always.
