Still Hurts After a Year

[babymakes6]

I am sorry.....

I lost a neighbor and very close friend 4 years ago. Her house burned down and her husband told the cops that she did it because she was mad at him. They took him at his word and were charging her for arson while he took the insurance money, the vehicles, guns, and anything else of value and ran with it. He changed his phone number, left her with NOTHING-not even a car! A week after the fire he had a new girlfriend!

She lived with us for 2 months and tried to commit suicide 3 times-but always at her place. She didn't want me or my children to find her. We grew very close in those two months-she had a horribly abusive childhood that she shared with me and nobody else. I still miss her dearly, but I know in my heart that I did everything I could to help her, but she didn't want to live. Don't blame yourself, whatever you do. It was not your choice.

 

[Firefighter Chick]

Lots of hugs coming your way. I lost a friend three years ago. We were on a fire department together and he got pancreatic cancer. He was in his early 20's. He suffered over a year before he passed. We still have his turn out gear in his locker at the hall, just the way he left it. I don't think I deleted his number from my phone either. i still think about the way he said his name in his voice mail. Don't think that grieving has a time limit. I still get teary about my friend and it's been three years. Your friend wouldnt want you to think of him in a sad way, so think of all the good times you had and think of ways to honor his life. Perhaps you can tell us some of the funny things you experienced about him or your favorite memories? That always cheered me up. I'd love to hear about your friend.

 

[welsummerchicks]

Well I think if all you got was an email, and you didn't go to the funeral, you are in denial, or refusing to face that the person has died.

We have to remember, that if we drag our tail around for years after a person dies, we are actually dishonoring them. Oh yes. We really are. They would never, ever wish that on us. They don't do what they do to make other people miserable.

Funerals are NOT something to avoid for false reasons like 'I want to remember him as he was'. That's an excuse. Go to the funeral. Funerals have existed since ancient times for a very, very good reason.

We actually need and crave such things. That is something even the most ancient human beings that ever lived, recognized. We are now finding evidence that over 100,000 years ago, people conducted funerals. And certainly if one is a Christian believer, the Bible tells us that funerals were very, very important to people. We have this tradition because we NEED it. Funerals fulfill a very important purpose.

Caring for the person's family, reaching out to their friends, the whole funeral arrangement and all, all are our first steps towards accepting and acknowledging a person's death. We need these steps. These steps get us started on the road of doing our grief work. We NEED to do this. The more you try to run away from it and avoid it, the more the death seems unreal, and the more we drag out the process of our grief work, and the more it festers and pains us.

Losing people - loved ones - even our pets - this is a part of life, when we sign up for all good moments of life, we also sign on for a certain amount of loss and grief. We need to learn how to deal with it. When we look back at the end of our own lives, we can do so with acceptance, with peace, with the memory of a rich life that made us stronger, more resilient, more able to help and love others. That is, if we learn to deal with loss and grief of others, then we make our lives stronger, richer and more able to give to others.

I think it would be very important for you to visit his grave, to attend a memorial service dedicated to our servicemen and women, to write yourself a letter about what this person meant to you - and to cry.

Have a good hard cry. Go for it.

After a number of years, a death like this never really 100% leaves you - there will always be a sort of scar, a sad memory, a feeling of loss.

But what you MUST work toward....is ACCEPTANCE.

Acceptance doesn't mean grieving resignation, shaking your fist at the sky or being overcome with anger or depression and being paralized and unable to enjoy your life after this.

Acceptance is a feeling of peaceful acknowlegement that what happened...happened. And that you and this person, enriched each other's lives.

You need to come to a sense of satisfaction that you were a positive part of this person's life.

We don't always have our loved ones for as long as we want. What we MUST do is acknowledge how much we gave to each other, how they brightened our days, and how we brightened theirs. And that they are gone now.

You will be happier overall and more satisfied with life, if you accept this. It's alright to cry, it's alright to grieve. But to become numb, unaccepting, to not come to terms with that person being gone, that's to commit suicide inside of yourself! And you KNOW that person would never, ever want that for you.

We often feel the need to punish ourselves when someone bad happens to someone else.

But to do this simply is not our right, it is not our privilege. Some people do this, I think, so that they have CONTROL over how they suffer. Punishing themselves makes them feel, at least they aren't sitting there waiting for something to befall them. Other people, I truly believe, punish themselves because their own suffering brings them attention. There's nothing like the sympathy and attention of some kind person who sees us beating our chest and shouting to the world how we suffer (either silently by punishing ourselves, or louder, by declaring it out loud).

Your friend did NOT commit suicide with the intent of making you miserable. People commit suicide because they feel they must. But none of them want us to be miserable TOO! They often express very sad regrets that they must, but for one reason or another, people become convinced that this is their only way out.

We can't always understand another person's pain.

What we CAN do, is accept what happened to them, and go on to live our lives, helping others, loving others, and taking good care of ourselves. So that as few people in the world as possible, ever think they have no other way to deal with their pain.

Go to a therapist and talk. If you can't do that, go out to a beautiful place by yourself, and sit down, and look all around you at the beautiful world that God made, and have a good hard cry, and say out loud, or write down, how you feel, how this person made you feel when they were alive, and how their death made you feel. What fears did it churn up in you, and what were your thoughts at the time. Were you angry at being left? SAY SO. Were you afraid at what the future would bring? SAY SO. SAY IT ALL. Did you feel numb, dull, like you were asleep, couldn't feel? SAY SO. SAY IT ALL. ALL OF IT, the good, the bad and the ugly. Get it right out there.

Then, what you need to do is write ANOTHER version. This is everything that was ADDED to your life. Or that you added to his life. Take THIS LETTER out on the person's birthday - no - not the day of their death. Take it out on their birthday. Read it, and remember what made you happy about this person, and learn about yourself - what you value in another person, what is important to you. Learn about yourself, and go on and do what you are supposed to do when you lose a great person in your life:

Take all the good things that they gave you, and pack them away and carry them with you always.

 

[terrilhb]

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time.

I lost my Uncle 2 years ago to suicide. It was a total shock. It still hurts so bad sometimes. Hang in there and lots of hugs

 

[shelleyb1969]

I know EXACTLY what you're going through, Stacykins...and exactly how you feel. My condolences to you.

 

[chickensioux]

I lost a friend to suicide last year. It is very sad to lose someone in this way. There are no rules or time frames on mourning. Take as long as needed, do it in your own way. So sorry for your loss.

 

[shelleyb1969]

I know for me, mourning this type of loss has never ceased...and it's been 4 years now. I lost a sister to cancer 3 years ago, and I'm more "at peace" with her loss than I am the loss of my brother-in-law (the one who committed suicide). For me, there's just always the question of "why?".

Stacykins...it's just like chickensioux said, "Take as long as needed, do it in your own way." Everyone has their own way of dealing with grief and sorrow. You're a good person with a kind heart, and I'm sure your friend was exactly as you are. His memory will always remain alive within your heart.

 

[michickenwrangler]

So sorry to hear of your loss. As a recent widow, I understand the pain you are going through. You are in my thoughts.

 

[equine chick]

You thought not going to the funeral would have been easier on you but it provides a closure we all need when someone we care about dies. I think you are reaching for it but just not sure how to do it. Alot of people call suicide victims selfish but really they have a pain so deep they feel there is no way to climb out. Your friend felt this way and I am really sorry no one saw how much pain they were in, to take your life so young.
First of all take the number out of your cell, write a letter to your friend. You won't mail it but at least you can say some things you wish you could have said and it's a way of saying goodbye. Next commemerate your friends memory, invite a group to go out and talk about him, do something nice for his family I am sure they are feeling the pain or plant a tree. I know sounds dumb but planting a tree will help you remember and say goodbye.
I loss my cousin when I was 18, he was my best friend he was 22. He committed suicide for reasons today I don't understand, I am 49. I miss him still.

 

[tay_boe]

I'm so very sorry to hear about your loss! Death is never something that is easily accepted, especially when it comes as a shock to you. I've been fortunate enough to never lose someone to sucide. I can't say I understand exactly how you feel,but I know it has to be so hard. I lost my high school sweetheart almost 3 years ago. We dated for 5 years and 2 years after we separated he was killed in an accident. It was an odd freak accident too IMO all over a girl and probably wouldn't of happened if he was sober. I still have a lot of guilt about this. I think of him everyday and sometimes it feels like he is still in NC (he was in USMC). I even catch myself trying to call him sometimes. Then it hits me all over again. I don't believe time heals all. I do however believe that I have someone who is watching over me, as childish as that sounds. It helps soothe me. I pray that you can find peace with your loss. And you'll be in my prayers.