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This is what I meant with my post. It just doesn't ever completely go away. I honestly believe that people who say "Give it time" and stuff like that have never lost someone to suicide. It is the one form of death humanity will never understand. I certainly don't.
My experience was when I was just 14. I had a guy that I hung out with alot; I was an outcast, and he accepted me. He hung himself in my neighbors garage. It is a less dull pain, but it was my second experience with death, and at such a young age, it stuck with me. I still have nightmares about it. He was 17 also.
That was a very weird year in high school. Three kids killed themselves! And this was a small town, 3,000 people and only a couple handfuls of kids in the entire senior class. The year book was horribly depressing; three memorials on the first three pages. One kid shot himself with his father's gun under a bridge near his house (it was later learned he was badly abused by his father), another overdosed on drugs, and it was found to be deliberate, and then my friend shot himself in his back yard. The strange thing about suicide is, you often don't see it coming AT ALL. I rode the bus home with him; he lived right up the road from me. We shared a seat in the back of the bus, and shared headphones and listened to Pink Floyd on the ride. He was very cheerful when he got off that bus and was dead one hour later. Looking back, I should have been suspicious that he was in fact so cheerful. He was not usually. I stayed in my room for a couple of weeks, listening to "Comfortably Numb" over and over again. It was a sad time. On the other hand, sometimes when I go to see his grave, I laugh a little and tell him how ridiculous some of our old friends grew up to be. Sometimes I take *small* comfort in thinking of him eternally youthful. I hope that doesn't sound depressing or weird, I don't mean it to be.
And speaking of being cheerful right beforehand, I lost my cousin to suicide as well. She hung herself in her apartment and when they found her, they saw that she was right in the middle of making a salad. Veggies still out on the chopping block, half cut cucumber, and a bowl of half made salad. Really makes you wonder what the heck they were thinking about while trying so desperately to "live normally".
