I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the years. Because of these many caring emails alerting me to the many dangers we face very day....
I no longer open a public bathroom door without worrying about what is on it...
I cant enjoy lemon slices in my ice tea without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel....
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because your emails alerted me to the fact most people driving alone pick their noses at some point.
Eating a snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whomever sent me the one about cockroach poop in the glue of envelopes - now I have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, I now must scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
On the plus side,
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers..
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.... disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .
I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because toilet water splashes 6 ft. from the commode whenever it flushes.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't bear the guilt of buying gas from the horrid, exploitative oil companies!
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read most things on thier computer with their hand on the mouse....
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!
------
I no longer open a public bathroom door without worrying about what is on it...
I cant enjoy lemon slices in my ice tea without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel....
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because your emails alerted me to the fact most people driving alone pick their noses at some point.
Eating a snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whomever sent me the one about cockroach poop in the glue of envelopes - now I have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, I now must scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
On the plus side,
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers..
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.... disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .
I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because toilet water splashes 6 ft. from the commode whenever it flushes.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't bear the guilt of buying gas from the horrid, exploitative oil companies!
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read most things on thier computer with their hand on the mouse....
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!
------
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