The Evolution of Atlas: A Breeding (and Chat) Thread

[robhuncor]

My father died when I was 38. When I was 40 I found out, by accident, that the woman who raised him, who I was always told was his "aunt" (and who I was named after) was really just the person who ran a residential home for kids that he had been sent to as a child, possibly by the courts but not sure. She took a liking to him and when the home closed, she took him with her to live as her "son". He was never adopted and when he was in his 30's, right before he married my mother, he had his name changed legally. I was dumbstruck when I found this out! No one had ever told my sister and me anything about this. It's like finding out you are adopted. Our last name, which I had researched and found that the family had been one of the original founders of the county I live in as well as early developers of Manhattan - all that was nothing to us now. His actual family were immigrants who arrived from Europe in the early 1900's and lived in NYC and were still all there when he was sent to the home. He wasn't an orphan, as we thought. At the point I found out, my mother had started to descend into dementia and couldn't understand why I was so upset. Since they all knew I was interested in our genealogy, I was furious that no one said anything! And then it turned out that all my mother's family knew too! Why on earth do people keep stuff like this secret! I totally can understand how you feel, Cyn!

 

[speckledhen]

Since they all knew I was interested in our genealogy, I was furious that no one said anything! And then it turned out that all my mother's family knew too! Why on earth do people keep stuff like this secret! I totally can understand how you feel, Cyn!

You absolutely get it, Robin. Of course, it is what it is and nothing can change it, but if people would just tell the truth, let the cards fall where they may, it would all be better for everyone. It's just so frustrating, thinking of the "what ifs" sometimes. I never lied to my kids and I never would. If I don't want to tell someone something, I just say that, but no reason to lie.

 

[robhuncor]

That is totally it! It's the lies that upset me. And then feeling foolish when I think of past conversations with different family members and how they didn't step up and tell me the truth. As much as I adored them, I feel like I didn't know my mother and father at all. My sister reacted totally different then me - she thought it was funny. I'm still coming to terms with it years later.

 

[speckledhen]

That is totally it! It's the lies that upset me. And then feeling foolish when I think of past conversations with different family members and how they didn't step up and tell me the truth. As much as I adored them, I feel like I didn't know my mother and father at all. My sister reacted totally different then me - she thought it was funny. I'm still coming to terms with it years later.

I'm 100% with you. I have that happen lately in several areas, things I think are serious, I am laughed at for it. I think I'll just start posting "happy-happy-joy-joy" things every day until someone asks what the heck is up. But, they'd probably like that. (not here, you guys are great).

 

[1muttsfan]

It is such a bad idea to keep family secrets like that. Maybe small children should not be told some things, but once you reach adulthood you should be told. Those who hide things usually do so to avoid "unpleasantness" - often so that they can avoid having to deal with past indiscretions, their own or others'. I am friendly with a local man who does not know that he is the half brother of a large family in town. There are people who know, but no one wants to tell him. I am tempted to, but we are not close friends and I'm not sure if I should.

 

[getaclue]

It's not hard for me to see both sides of the coin. My brother was adopted. It was never a secret, or kept from him. My parents went through a very reputable adoption home, and we had paperwork with a bit of his history, some details about his parents, and the reason(s) they surrendered him. He read it several times growing up. Maybe not keeping it a secret is why he was more content about it. He has never expressed any interest in locating his biological family. His motto is, let sleeping dogs lie.

I have a cousin, a little older than him, that was adopted too. He was NEVER told. His mother always said she would tell him when he got older. I don't know if she did, or not.
I can see how, finding out as an adult, he could easily take the attitude that his life was a lie, and he'd be curious to find his biological family.

I have another cousin that put her daughter up for adoption, many years ago. Several years ago, my cousin posted in one of the location services, and her daughter had too. They met, and have had a good relationship every since then. I know it doesn't always turn out so well though.

I know a woman that was adopted, and located her biological family. She sent them a letter. The birth mom replied that she was glad she had been adopted by a good family, but had no desire to meet, or be reunited, and requested all contact be stopped.

My best friend for many years, she's deceased now, but we discussed her childhood every so often. There were so many things she did not understand about her family. From when she was little, her dad was somewhat mean to her. Both her older sister, and oldest brother contributed to her support. Her oldest brother was killed in the Korean war, so the support stopped from him. Her dad got meaner towards her. Her oldest sister got married, and was sending money to support her, but her sister got cancer, then the support stopped, because of medical bills. Later on, she died. At that point, her father became abusive towards her. Her mother would occasionally intervene, but then he would vent his anger on her, so she did not intervene much. Later on, my friend joined the military. When she returned home, to visit, he demanded she pay him the money she owed him for raising her. At that point, her mother intervened, and he began punching her. My friend tackled her dad, had her mother pack up, and got a place for them to live. Eventually, her mother returned home, and he never hit her again, but my friend never saw, or spoke to her dad again.

Like I said, I had known her for many years, and one night, we were talking, and I asked her if there was a chance that her older sister, or brother could have been her real parent, and the people she thought were her parents, were really her grandparents. She did some digging. She managed to find the hospital record of her live birth, not in her hometown, but in a nearby town. It turned out that her older sister was her mother. She was engaged, and her fiance went into the military. She was pregnant, and he was killed before he came back, and they could get married. Back then, attitudes about out-of-wedlock pregnancies were radically different than now, especially in small towns. She, and her mother went out of town for her to have the baby, then her parents raised it as their own. Maybe the dad was angry because he felt saddled with a child he didn't have the money to raise, and since the father was killed in action, he would not be back to marry the daughter, and raise the child. I suspect that when the daughter finally did get married, he was expecting her to talk to her husband about raising the child, and that never happened. She did send money for the child's care, but when she got sick and the money stopped, he was once again stuck with a child he couldn't afford, and didn't want to raise. No one will ever know, because he was long dead by the time my friend found out anything, and so was any family that might have known anything. It did however, clear up some issues for her.

My adopted daughter was old enough to know she was adopted, and knew her biological mother. She later met her biological father as well. Growing up, she didn't want any contact with her mother. She was in her late 20's, when her mother contacted her, and they did visit a couple times before her mother died of cancer. She messed things up with her biological dad, when she stole from him, for drug money. He wants nothing more to do with her.

Sometimes knowing can work out, but sometimes it opens a can of worms that would be best left closed. All I can say is, in these type situations, tread carefully.

 

[speckledhen]

I always knew I was adopted, never a secret. My parents treated it as if it was a very special thing. I may not have understood what that meant as a young child, but always knew. If you look for biological families, you must take the attitude that anything can happen and you have to prepare yourself to not be received well because you don't always know the true story behind your adoption on that end. If you don't, you could have a very unpleasant and disappointing surprise. Truth is always best, no one will ever convince me otherwise. But you have to be ready to accept the truth and what goes with it.

 

[robhuncor]

When I found out about my father, I did not have any desire to meet any of his biological family - the few things my mother did tell me made them sound like not nice people. I am glad he was raised by his Aunt who was a proper Victorian lady and taught him to be kind and a gentleman. She loved him and he loved her. He apparently felt so indebted to her that he stayed with her and supported her until she died and only then did he and my mother get married. He was a wonderful man. And though it was mostly a matter of just not answering my questions, I feel like a lot of who I thought I was is gone.

 

[speckledhen]

And though it was mostly a matter of just not answering my questions, I feel like a lot of who I thought I was is gone.

Agree with you on that. No one has to find the relatives, but knowing who you are is just at the core of your being. You can then search your history, etc, and never have to meet anyone at all. Tom has had a great time researching my biological family, finding a famous artist and that that side of the family owned Schloss Itter in Austria, etc. But, if I had never found out who my biological parents were, none of that would have been possible.

 

[1muttsfan]

I feel like a lot of who I thought I was is gone.

None of that changes who YOU are, it just changes how you think about THEM. Loss of trust is something that never heals completely.