its 3am, I couldnt sleep so I figured id pop in. Good I did 5 pages I dont have to read come morning. Sometimes my nights are my loneliest. When there is no one to reach out and find comfort in. But guess Gods got his plans so I try to find strength to say, give me your best shot. Im praying the man gets the money to my bank today so I can start planning a few things.
woke up thinking about a young man in the family who told me when my son died, im your son now, I will be there for you. Had a few folks tell me that. But this young man is the one that is hurting me most. I wont get into details cause no need but to say my youth and life til I was 27 wasnt easy. Then God put a good man into my life and I finally felt safe. Well part of my healing was to say I would never again let people hurt me again. I would either deal with them or remove them from my life.
After my son died I was going through some issues with my inlaws. Most of it is a language barrier and both are elderly and with my mil some dementia has set in but many folks around just say they have always been like this.
I am determined that first im an adult, not a child. I deserve respect and I respect my elders. But a few things have happened and I just could not turn the other cheek. Their behavior was cruel. And I chose to remove myself from people who treat me like this. An incident happened and I was upset and was telling this young man why I was upset. He told me regardless of how they treat me I should just deal with it. Maybe I deserved it! Thing was it put my children and I in danger, second part was just spiteful trying to drive me off on the part of his brother who sees my husbands return as loosing his chance to claim what is rightfully my husbands cause many thought he would never return and his brother is greedy.
I told this young man ive turned my cheek so many times in the past two years and in my lifetime and it wasnt deserved and I wasnt letting anyone tell me that it was ok to be mistreated. Its been a month now and he has not contacted me once. I hurt each time I think of him cause he was the only person who stepped up and helped me out while my husband is gone. So I feel like ive lost another son.
I dont know how to mend this. I will not allow people to mistreat me and its not deserved. And for anyone to tell me well thats just how they treat everyone wont fly. This young man only sees culture how its done for hundreds of years. Well its wrong. And each time I say ok God you took my son for whatever reason, you put challenges in front of me to test me and each time I do fine. But I have few support systems here. No members of my own family who traditionally would speak on my behalf. Also this is a male society and without my husband or a son to protect me im fair game for abuse. Im trying to raise my kids to speak out against abuse, defend those who are weak and stand strong and be independent people. But its 8 months today since my son passed and all those folks who stood by me at his funeral saying they would be there to help me have gone back into the woodwork. Most just cause they got their own lives and others cause mostly it just something you say to someone whose greiving and dont think they will ever need you.
Sorry im chatty, but midmonth I get like this and im getting better some months. Sad I share my woes with strangers than with someone who actually is near me. But I got to get it off my chest.
Its 4am and the various roosters have begun their morning crows. Ur ur ur. They go through different sounds if you really pay attention. Guess I will try and sleep a bit more. Offer a little prayer that I find comfort soon. They say it gets easier when you lose someone, nope it doesnt...you just find ways to move on alone.
