The "get to 1,000 pages before 12/31/12" thread

[Ducks and Banny hens]

Here is a joke I posted on another thread:​

Ontario Tourism:
Southern Ontario - Gridlock and Deranged Gunmen.
Central Ontario - Radioactive Swampland , Grow-Ops, and Venomous Spiders.
Eastern Ontario - Bears , Impantego , and Parliament
Northern Ontario - Black Flies and Red Green
​

 

[Scooter&Suzie]

I just found this one:

In God's Army


A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher
was standing at the door as he always was to shake hands.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

So the Pastor questioned, "Then how come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service."

http://www.christian-jokes.org/jokes63.html

 

[Scooter&Suzie]

This one is too funny!

The Christian Barber


There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had
been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said,
"Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door."

Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said,
"Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a
quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him.
So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen."

Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying
"Good morning sir. I have a question for you... Are you ready to die?"


http://www.christian-jokes.org/jokes52.html

 

[Scooter&Suzie]

Super funny too:

It's in the Bible


There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying.
Flying made her very, very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read as it helped relax her on the long flights.

One time, she was sitting next to a man.
When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.

After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."

He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"

She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."

He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.

http://www.christian-jokes.org/jokes64.html

 

[Scooter&Suzie]

7 reasons not to mess with children.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".

********************************************************************************

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

*************************************************************************************

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

**********************************************************************************

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma? you must have been a very very bad girl. Grandma's hairs are ALL white?"

************************************************************************************

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

**********************************************************************************

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."

*******************************************************************************

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

 

[ChickenPeep]

You crack me up!

 

[Fierlin1182]

The one about Jonah rocks.
I am trying to work on quick comebacks too. Thanks to the amount of times my father and I bicker, I think I'm becoming pretty adept at it.

 

[Scooter&Suzie]

The one about Jonah rocks.

I am trying to work on quick comebacks too. Thanks to the amount of times my father and I bicker, I think I'm becoming pretty adept at it.

I'll be praying for your dad.

 

[Chickenrandomness]

if i remember correctly, the mods prefer religious talk to be in the random ramblings section

i'm just saying. i don't want anyone getting into trouble

 

[Scooter&Suzie]

if i remember correctly, the mods prefer religious talk to be in the random ramblings section

i'm just saying. i don't want anyone getting into trouble

Christanitny isn't a relgion, it's a relationship.

Sorry 'bout that... Since this tread is a "random rambling" I figured it was in the random rambling section.