The Journey (a story i wrote)

[millfleur4ever]

Orphaned ​

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It was a cold November afternoon and a chilly wind blew through the pine trees of the forest. A Gypsy Vanner mare shoved her newborn filly along a dirt path. The filly stopped and wobbled then fell. This continued the whole way there making the journey very difficult. When the mare arrived at a certain grove of old pine trees. She stopped and nuzzled her filly. Her filly fell right to sleep in a large clump of lush green grass. She gazed down at her filly maybe for the last time she thought. "Good bye my daughter I hope to see you again when I can properly care for you." She kissed her on the nose and swiftly trotted oft.

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[BantamsRbest]

If you want my opinion, here it is,

It's alright, but it is really similar to SilkiesForEver's story, "On Green Grassy Hills". Your story also needs to be proof-read, and needs LOTS of correction in punctuation. Maybe change the plot line, fix your grammar, and your story could be very nice!

 

[millfleur4ever]

Thanks.

 

[millfleur4ever]

I decided to take your advice and change the plot since nobody liked it

So i'm keeping this thread just gonna "fix" it. Thank-you

 

[SilkiesForEver]

I decided to take your advice and change the plot since nobody liked it

So i'm keeping this thread just gonna "fix" it. Thank-you

Aw, I liked it! But, I can't wait to see the edited version!!!

 

[SilkiesForEver]

Orphaned ​

​

​

It was a cold November afternoon and a chilly wind blew through the pine trees of the forest. A Gypsy Vanner mare shoved her newborn filly along a dirt path. The filly stopped and wobbled then fell. This continued the whole way there making the journey very difficult. When the mare arrived at a certain grove of old pine trees. She stopped and nuzzled her filly. Her filly fell right to sleep in a large clump of lush green grass. She gazed down at her filly maybe for the last time she thought. "Good bye my daughter I hope to see you again when I can properly care for you." She kissed her on the nose and swiftly trotted oft.

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I LOVE IT!

 

[wildriverswolf90]

 

[millfleur4ever]

On Her Own ​

The filly stirred on the bed of leaves on which she had been laid. She stood up and started down a path. As she walked she thought why would her mother leave her. She couldn't remember much because she was so young. However she could remember that she had a sister and that her sister was always trying to impress their mother and always succeeding. Somehow she just couldn't manage to be as good as her sister. She remembered one day frolicking in a field with her sister and a few other foals and fillies. Then her mother calling to her sister from a high rock. Her sister galloped up the mountain at top speed. When she arrived at the top their mother nuzzled close to the filly's sister then shot a glare at the poor little filly that burned right through her. Her sister too cast a disapproving glare at her. A smack into a tree brought the filly back to the real world. She somersaulted backward and stayed there for awhile. She found that she could remember more than she thought. She found out that her name was Ella her mother and father were the lead mare and stallion and the saddest memory was that no one ever liked her. She stood and walked down the path. She realized that she had to make a plan but she couldn't go back she was on her own. ​

 

[millfleur4ever]

Post if you want chapter 3. Nobody likes it. My dream was to create a story that was the quality of silkiesForEver. You did a great job on that silkies.

 

[millfleur4ever]

Post if you want chapter 3. Nobody likes it. My dream was to create a story that was the quality of silkiesForEver. You did a great job on that silkies.