Spring melt-down got your coop run looking like a mine field? Delay no longer. Follow these handy hints and get that run looking ship-shape in no time:
1. First, you must dress properly. Wear glasses or ski goggles. Avoid anything with cuffs. Avoid anything which is wooly or pilled, which tends to attract and grab flying poopie chips like Velcro.
2. If possible, select a chopper with a short, broken handle, preferably no more than 2 feet long, to maximize your effort and ensuing back pain. If none is available, choose the dullest or rustiest instrument available.
3. Dodge and weave while stabbing at the offending poopsicles. This will confuse the chickens who are having a high time making figure eights around your legs and trying to get between your hoe and the target. Prior tap dance lessons are a plus, and jumping up and down will dislodge any birds perched on your shoulders.
4. Shake off like a wet dog about every 5 minutes, including your hair. Make sure the neighbors see this.
Don't forget this step, or your body warmth will cause thawing, which is to be avoided at all costs.
5. Remove the accumulating poopie-pile frequently (approximately once every 1.653 minutes) before the hens scatter the pile because it's the FIRST thing they've had to scratch in since freeze-up.
6. When you get close to your $469.00 hardware cloth enclosure, angle the chopper to at least 45 degrees, so you can put a hole in the enclosure, preferably right at ground level.
7. Scatter grit around the surface of the ice to prevent slipping, but only after you have ALREADY slipped and fallen in the slush/water/poo mixture.
8. Bring the cordless phone, just so you can try to explain what you are doing when someone asks, "Why are you out of breath?"
9. Do not invite children or teenagers to your chipping party. They possess youthful vigor and excellent hand to eye coordination, and will use it to send each and every chip flying in your direction, no matter which way they are facing. You will become a human poop goal.
And last but not least:
10. Keep your mouth FIRMLY CLOSED at all times. If you dare to test this rule, have mints handy!
1. First, you must dress properly. Wear glasses or ski goggles. Avoid anything with cuffs. Avoid anything which is wooly or pilled, which tends to attract and grab flying poopie chips like Velcro.
2. If possible, select a chopper with a short, broken handle, preferably no more than 2 feet long, to maximize your effort and ensuing back pain. If none is available, choose the dullest or rustiest instrument available.
3. Dodge and weave while stabbing at the offending poopsicles. This will confuse the chickens who are having a high time making figure eights around your legs and trying to get between your hoe and the target. Prior tap dance lessons are a plus, and jumping up and down will dislodge any birds perched on your shoulders.
4. Shake off like a wet dog about every 5 minutes, including your hair. Make sure the neighbors see this.
5. Remove the accumulating poopie-pile frequently (approximately once every 1.653 minutes) before the hens scatter the pile because it's the FIRST thing they've had to scratch in since freeze-up.
6. When you get close to your $469.00 hardware cloth enclosure, angle the chopper to at least 45 degrees, so you can put a hole in the enclosure, preferably right at ground level.
7. Scatter grit around the surface of the ice to prevent slipping, but only after you have ALREADY slipped and fallen in the slush/water/poo mixture.
8. Bring the cordless phone, just so you can try to explain what you are doing when someone asks, "Why are you out of breath?"
9. Do not invite children or teenagers to your chipping party. They possess youthful vigor and excellent hand to eye coordination, and will use it to send each and every chip flying in your direction, no matter which way they are facing. You will become a human poop goal.
And last but not least:
10. Keep your mouth FIRMLY CLOSED at all times. If you dare to test this rule, have mints handy!
