Sequel to: The PROPER way to chip away at frozen chicken poo
1. It is quintessentially important to choose the proper TIME to medicate the chicken. Avoid long leisurely periods of the day. Choose a time that will ensure maximum stress, such as 5 minutes before leaving for work. Alternatively, 5 minutes before company is due to arrive.
2. Dress for success. Think clean jeans, high heels, hair spray. The general idea is to be at your personal best when stepping into the coop. Again, the moments just before leaving for work are ideal.
3. Remember, you cannot SPRAY Blu-Kote on a bald hen-head. (It might get into her eyes, for goodness sake!) Instead, rummage through the junk drawer for a suitable receptacle. A glass vial works fine, the kind that comes on the stems of expensive flower arrangements. Spray the Blu-Kote into the vial and place the vial into your front chest pocket. (This is important, do not miss this step!)
4. Remember to bring an applicator. A Q-tip works best, but bring ONLY ONE Q-tip. You do not want to waste this expensive item, and besides, you are insanely confident in your chicken-medicating abilities, and surely would not need more than 1 Q-tip.
5. Choose a towel in which to capture and immobilize the chicken. Choose the same towel you have used for the last 5 entrapments, so the chicken will IMMEDIATELY recognize the towel/straightjacket and begin circling the hen house in a panic, searching in vain for a new trap door marked "ESCAPE HERE."
6. Set the Q-tip in a handy spot. Make sure all chickens in residence see the Q-tip being placed in the handy spot.
7. Try to miss the first few handy opportunities to entrap the chicken in the towel/straightjacket. Wait until the chicken is cowering in the darkest, nastiest corner of the coop before advancing. If possible, crawl through filthy shavings to reach the chicken.
8. Roll, bend, and stretch into the corner and firmly wrap towel/straightjacket around chicken, leaving only the bald head exposed. When you stand up, notice a big blue stain fanning out from your chest pocket. This is Blu-Kote. This is permanent.
9. Sit on a poopy surface and reach for Q-tip, which is now missing. Look around coop until you see a chicken running around like its head is cut off, Q-tip firmly clutched in beak, clucking proudly as if to say, "I'M A CHICKEN WITH A Q-TIP! I'M A CHICKEN WITH A Q-TIP!"
10. Tuck chicken-in-straightjacket under arm like a football, and advance on chicken-with-Q-tip until such time as Q-tip is back in your possession.
11. Dunk Q-tip in 1.5 drops of Blu-Kote remaining in vial. Aim for bald spot shining atop chicken's head, and try to time application to the very second when chicken tries to burst forth from straightjacket. Blindly stab Blu-Kote on chicken's face, neck, tail feathers . . . any body part OTHER than where needed.
12. Now that chicken and your good shirt look like paint-ball casualties, your job is complete. Brush filthy shavings off clothes, make a futile attempt to remove Blu-Kote from skin, spray self profusely with perfume, and proceed to professional job or other important business.
13. Lucky 13! You have now successfully medicated your chicken!
1. It is quintessentially important to choose the proper TIME to medicate the chicken. Avoid long leisurely periods of the day. Choose a time that will ensure maximum stress, such as 5 minutes before leaving for work. Alternatively, 5 minutes before company is due to arrive.
2. Dress for success. Think clean jeans, high heels, hair spray. The general idea is to be at your personal best when stepping into the coop. Again, the moments just before leaving for work are ideal.
3. Remember, you cannot SPRAY Blu-Kote on a bald hen-head. (It might get into her eyes, for goodness sake!) Instead, rummage through the junk drawer for a suitable receptacle. A glass vial works fine, the kind that comes on the stems of expensive flower arrangements. Spray the Blu-Kote into the vial and place the vial into your front chest pocket. (This is important, do not miss this step!)
4. Remember to bring an applicator. A Q-tip works best, but bring ONLY ONE Q-tip. You do not want to waste this expensive item, and besides, you are insanely confident in your chicken-medicating abilities, and surely would not need more than 1 Q-tip.
5. Choose a towel in which to capture and immobilize the chicken. Choose the same towel you have used for the last 5 entrapments, so the chicken will IMMEDIATELY recognize the towel/straightjacket and begin circling the hen house in a panic, searching in vain for a new trap door marked "ESCAPE HERE."
6. Set the Q-tip in a handy spot. Make sure all chickens in residence see the Q-tip being placed in the handy spot.
7. Try to miss the first few handy opportunities to entrap the chicken in the towel/straightjacket. Wait until the chicken is cowering in the darkest, nastiest corner of the coop before advancing. If possible, crawl through filthy shavings to reach the chicken.
8. Roll, bend, and stretch into the corner and firmly wrap towel/straightjacket around chicken, leaving only the bald head exposed. When you stand up, notice a big blue stain fanning out from your chest pocket. This is Blu-Kote. This is permanent.
9. Sit on a poopy surface and reach for Q-tip, which is now missing. Look around coop until you see a chicken running around like its head is cut off, Q-tip firmly clutched in beak, clucking proudly as if to say, "I'M A CHICKEN WITH A Q-TIP! I'M A CHICKEN WITH A Q-TIP!"
10. Tuck chicken-in-straightjacket under arm like a football, and advance on chicken-with-Q-tip until such time as Q-tip is back in your possession.
11. Dunk Q-tip in 1.5 drops of Blu-Kote remaining in vial. Aim for bald spot shining atop chicken's head, and try to time application to the very second when chicken tries to burst forth from straightjacket. Blindly stab Blu-Kote on chicken's face, neck, tail feathers . . . any body part OTHER than where needed.
12. Now that chicken and your good shirt look like paint-ball casualties, your job is complete. Brush filthy shavings off clothes, make a futile attempt to remove Blu-Kote from skin, spray self profusely with perfume, and proceed to professional job or other important business.
13. Lucky 13! You have now successfully medicated your chicken!
