Things my Pop used to tell me......

[wegotchickens]

'Bout as bright as a 15 watt bulb.

 

[mangled]

When my husband's dearly departed grandfather would do something like trip, or drop something, etc., he'd holler, "well, sh*t the bed!!" Also, "That kid couldn't find his a$$ with both hands and a flashlight." and "Worthless as a windshield wiper on a cow's a$$."

Never understood it, but funny it was.

My gramma has always said "It'll feel a lot better when it quits hurtin'." LOL, well duh! granny!!
And, Aren't you just the cat's pajamas?

These all have me and my husband just howling with laughter, especially the one about the bobcat in the phone booth.

Em

 

[FutureChickenMan]

"Couldn't find his butt with both hands in his back pockets"
"If a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his butt when he jumped"
"Stuck on Stupid"
"Slicker than snot on a glass doorknob"
"Son of a stitch"
"There's more than one way to skin a cat"
"She wouldn't say crap even if she had a mouthful"
"You want something to cry about, I'll give you something to cry about"
"Do I need to warm your butt up so your ears will work better?"
"I'd slap you, but crap splatters"

I have one that always makes me chuckle but it's too colorful for our audience here.

 

[ams3651]

when my friends son does stupid things over and over she says "how many times you going to get hit in the head with a bucket of sh%t before you learn not to open that door."

In reference to a new boy/girlfriend her mom says "a new broom sweeps good"

when we walk right past what we were looking for my grandmother says "if it was a snake it would have bit ya"

 

[FutureChickenMan]

"Her pants would look better hanging on a nail"
"Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free"
"Don't marry the stove pipe when you can marry the stove"
"I'm off to wrinkle ranch" (the senior center)
"Do you need some education applied to the seat of learning?"
"Get over here, you need a tune up"

 

[RoostersCrow]

If you don't get that look off your face it'll freeze that way and you'll end up with a girl that shaves.

That dog don't hunt.

Not the sharpest tooth on the saw

Like a frog in a mudhole in the middle of August

Bright as a bunch of sheep at the gate.

Useless as b@%$ on a chicken

 

[nutz4critters]

Quote:
I heard it was
Spit in one hand and wish in the other. Same difference.


Dumber than a red brick

Uglier than a mud fence

My dad's favorite if we slept in, " Wake up and pee! The world's on fire!"

That boy/girl/whomever is so dumb that if you took his brains and put them in a rail road car, the brains would rattle like two peas in a tin can.

That bimbo is so dumb that her shoe size is bigger than her IQ.

And if we saw an ugly dog: That dog is so ugly that if it were mine, I'd shave it's butt and make it walk backwards.

 

[seismic wonder2]

If brains were gas, you wouldn't have enough to drive a flea car around the inside of a cheerio.

Dang! that chick would make a freight train take a dirt road!

It's a dog eat dog world and I'm wearing milk bone underwear.

you couldn't sling sh** and hit the wall

It's like putting hubcaps on a tractor.

"I'd crawl nekkid tru broke glass, and swim a river of alcohol just to hear her sneeze on a walkie-talkie"

if traffic were any slower we'd be going back in time.

(old man with full beard in waiting room)
"Sugar Pants behind the counter over there needs to tell the Doc to hurry up a little, I was clean shaven when I got here"
I said, "Yes, Sir...won't be long before I start getting mail here..."

 

[AhBee01]

My husbands says, chicken butt tie it up and take a bite! ???

If someone asks for a match he says" I got a match for you, your breath and a buffalo fart!!

when we were kids, if we wanted to go to the Dairy Queen for ice cream, Grandma would reply buy holding her chest and say want do you want strawberry or tutti fruity!!!

She also said the sh*t in one hand and wish in the other!!
I know more, but havin a brain fart! LOL!!!
Brenda