This is too much for me.

[Sparrow]

Is brooding chickens inside your house ruining anyone else's family relationships? I certainly hope not. But for me it is.

I'm 21 and I do still live at home. My Mom wants me to stay there until I have a steady income and can choose to have my own place or until I get married(hopefully). I know it's not "the norm" for nowdays, but I don't mind it at all. It's the house I grew up in, and I have never desired to get as far away from my family as possible. My Mom and I are usually really close...but the problem is my father. He only lives here part time at best, he bought another house 30 minutes away to live in. He is still married to my Mom. I'm mnot exaggerating when I say that ALL he does is go to work...when he feels like going...come home, and drink liquor and smoke stuff. He hangs out all the time with my 19 year old little brother and my bro's friends who are the same age. He spends all his evenings with my bro and friends...but when he comes to this house, he walks right past me and greets my dog instead of me. I'm not kidding, and nothing I say here is an exaggeration or misinterpretation, it has been going on for years. We don't speak, and he doesn't have a clue about anything concerning me except for my chickens.

I am finishing up brooding a couple of small batches of chickens in my bedroom, as well as my young ducklings. They are all kept inside my bedroom with the door closed, they are kept very clean, and he has never even looked at them a day in his life. Hell, he wouldn't even know they were there if I hadn't been fixing up the entire coop and building a run with just my mother's help as he sits around drinking with pre-adults. Anyway, every time he comes home forthe past few weeks, he completely ignores what I have done to prepare for the rest to move out, and if he DOES say something, it's that me putting up 100's of feet of aviary mesh as a run cover only took a couple hours, so it's no big deal. I even secured it to every branch and trunk of the giant old cedar tree in the middle of my run. WANT TO TALK ABOUT TAKING A COUPLE HOURS??!!! I've gotten used to him being nasty to me over the past several years, but today he really set me over the line.

When I woke up today, my Mom called and informed me that I HAD to get them outside because my father said I'm a "Crazy Effer", although I assure you he didn't just say effer, and a few other equally nasty things including stupid or idiot, she couldn't remember which, because I am brooding my babies in the house. Now, either I am waaaaay off, or that is NOT something a father should EVER say about his daughter. Sometimes I wish I didn't know the things he said, but on the other hand, I want to know when someone says that stuff about me, I don't care who it is. We haven't gotten along in years, ever since I was a teenager and dated a boy who was 19. I'm not kidding, that was when I heard him say "I wash my hands of her, I'm not raising her". Things have never been good after that, and they just progressively get worse. He thinks I'm "naive" for refusing to drink and thinking things like Pot are bad. He positively HATES the fact that I love animals an keep them in my room. It's a passion HE introduced me to as a kid when he still loved animals!!! I know it sounds funny, but the only thing I have ever done to cause my parents grief is keeping animals and dating older boys. I swear that's it. My brother, on the other hand, has caused legal trouble several times and does a lot of stuff he really shouldn't do be doing. He has also caused a lot of family fights due to his actions. Don't get me wrong, I'm really close to my little brother. My issue is that my father thinks it great tht he used to get in trouble all the time, wheras I've not caused him any grief. I did ballroom dancing every night throughout my teenage years!!

I just have to vent this to you guys because I really have no one else to talk to about it. Am I crazy for being so upset and crying(that NEVER happens) over how he talks about/treats me?? Should brooding chickens always cause problems like this? Should I just ignore what he says and does?? I'm so upset and frustrated right now I just can't stand it.

 

[tomstephens]

Sparrow

I hate to hear that you're dealing with all of that. I don't have much to say except to tell you that I don't have to be there to know that your brooding chickens in your room isn't the problem. From what you've said, for one reason or another you've been made the scapegoat and so some things you do will be used as a target for other people's issues.

It's never the thing that's being attacked that is the thing that's really bothering a person when they start to lash out like that. They simply use it as an excuse, maybe because they don't know what's really bothering them. Sometimes they know and don't want to talk about it. Sometimes it's themselves that's really the problem but rather than face that they find ways to escape or blame others - or a little of both as seems like your situation.

Be strong. If I knew some magic words to make you feel better, I'd use them, but I don't.
Sorry

Tom

 

[smom1976]

I am soo sorry to hear that this is going on in your house.. I would get mom on your side and have him go live in his house 30 min away.. but it doesnt matter what you broad chickens or what ever he just needs something to pick on..

 

[rooster-red]

Sorry you're going through this.

It's a real shame when a father turns into nothing more than a DNA contributer.

 

[BayCityBabe]

No, you are not out of line with your response to this situation. Your father is very disrespectful of you, as a person.
Unfortunately, you are sitting in the "my house, my rules" hot seat. My question to you is this: Which would be easier to change - your dad or your living arrangement?

OPINIONATED BOSSY ADVICE WARNING ******
You are an adult. Unless you are busy with your education, right now, I think you should be working and making a life for yourself. When I was 18, I moved out of mum's house, waited tables & lived in a studio apartment. Best days of my life! Hope you can make these the best days of your life.

 

[newnanchic]

stay strong !!!! Hold on to your Mom and as hard as it has to be try getting the babies out of the house. Maybe whenhe has nothing more to gripe about he will go to the other house and leave you along !!!!Praying for a happy ending for you and your babies.

 

[harv681]

It has nothing to do with you or your creatures. Your father is an alcoholic and a drug addict, and he is out of control. He is abusive to you and your mother and endangering your brother's life. In order for him to feel in control, he is trying to assert authority over you. Your mother, God bless her, is "enabling" the behavior in allowing him to do as he wishes with no consequences. The whole environment sounds toxic. Are you safe? Do you have anyone close for emotional support?

 

[peruvian_princess]

Quote:
I dont think she can do a studio apartment and have her chickens, ducks, & geese. I wouldnt worry about what he said as long as you have your mom by your side.

 

[Skyesrocket]

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. You need to know that what your dad says and does regarding you is the drugs/alcohol talking.
We all want our father's approval. It's sad that your dad isn't able to provide that for you right now. Don't let his problems take away your joy, which is poultry and animals right now.
As the others have said, if it isn't the poultry, he would find something else to pick on you about.
I grew up with an alcoholic dad and know the pain you are in. And I know how badly you want his approval.
Until your dad gets his own life straightened out distance yourself from him emotionally. Know it's the drugs (yes, pot does affect the mind) and booze that is making him the way he is. That is out of your control. Only he can change that. Accept NO responsibility for his behavior.
Good for you for not wanting to numb your mind with pot and booze. Life is for living and you are doing that! You know you are doing the right thing....hopefully, in time, he will come to appreciate that. If not, it really is his loss.
My brothers were the same way...and it's funny...although I felt under appreciated...as we became adults my brothers said that I was always the practical one and the person they looked up to. I never heard that when I was younger and could have used hearing it. But it did change my perspective.
Your dad's problems are his own. Chances are that you won't get any appreciation from him...that's ok...just understand that it is NOT you, it's him.
Look into a local support group. You will find many young people in your same situation. Bless your heart, you have it tough. Hang in there.

 

[Sparrow]

Thank you guys so much for the kind words. Sometimes I wonder if I "should" respond otherwise to the situation...but my heart just doesn't allow me to do that. I don't want to be like this about my father, but I really don't think that I alone can change it.

I have been working since I started as a full time dance instructor at age 17, and I have had animal care/educator jobs steadily since then. I usually choose to work full time, sometimes part during college. I'm certainly not loafing around or anything. My birds mean a LOT to me, and I can't see myself moving away and not being with them. I know it sounds odd, but my animals are my life passion.

I wish, personally, that they would just divorce. The only thing preventing it is my Mom feeling like she couldn't support herself with the job she has now. She is taking schooling now to make a better career change, and hopefully a better life because they do no nothing besides fight with each other too. I'm hoping we can both stick it out until things change for the better.

I don't personally feel like I am in any danger from him. We have had some extremely bad fights(nothing physical) over the past 2 years over things like him cussing me out because I took a shower when I didn''t know he wanted to. I idn't even know he was home. Our worst fights have happened in the middle of him picking on my Mom. Maybe it's wrong, but I can't stand how nasty and hateful he is towards her, and I have ended up fighting it out with him instead. He realized that it can sometimes happen when he is nasty to Mom in front of me. I know I should stay out of it, but I don't like seeing him talking to her that way, either. She's not as strong emotionally sometimes. He won't do it in front of me anymore, and he hasn't verbally confronted me like that for awhile. He just says things and leaves, or goes through my Mom so he doesn't have to deal with his actions. It's almost more upsetting that way, because I just have to go around knowing what my father thinks of me.