This is too much for me.

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Sooner or later all chicks leave the nest.

You sound like a level-headed, responsible young adult, one that any parent would and should be proud of.

My advice as a parent of 2 young adults and the daughter of 2 alcoholic parents is for you to do what you need to do to live a productive life and stand on your own two feet. Keep the lines of communication open with your Dad, but on your terms. Your Mom has to come to her own terms, with both you and your Dad. You can't help or change them, you can only help yourself.
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No excuses for him. Just because he drinks doesn't make it any less wrong! A father should NEVER talk that way to his daughter. Keep strong, love your mom. I pray for the best outcome for you. I agree with Skyesrocket-get support.
 
I'm sorry for your situation with your dad. I've had some bad altercations with my father, usually over him doing something to upset my mother or over my animals. I'm 18, live at home, beginning college, work two jobs full time have several rescued sled dogs, and now my chickens.. My dad and I have worked things out over time, he literally also worked all the time, I can't say he ever really drank or did drugs, just ignored me and was not around for me growing up. I've always liked men older than me (about 5-6 years older) and I am with a wonderful man who is 24 now who helps me more than any man I have ever met, he rents a cabin from my parent's in order to be around to care for my animals if he gets off work before I do, and I guess I'm lucky in a way after I got together with my current boyfriend instead of pushing away and being vile (which he could say some nasty things, he has called me fat, a b**** in the past, but I did my fair share of name calling in the process of an argument) he has gotten closer to me and I think realized that he missed a lot of years and I am growing up. I am owner in a business partnership that is florishing well and I am planning on going to veterinary college so I hope things start to look up for you, I understand about your animals being the center of your universe, I couldn't be without mine without loosing my marbles!
 
Sending prayers your way. I agree it is not your chickens-if not the chickens it would be something else. Stay safe and take care of your physical and mental health..Good luck..Dixie
 
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I am in a similiar situation. My father too is an alcoholic. When my parents got married and I was born we were upper class. He was (and still is) a professional golfer, the youngest pro golfer to run a pro course back then in the 70's. We had porches and corvettes, we spent the winters in Florida so he could golf, we took trips aroudn the country that lasted months.

Then he started doing drugs and drinking and my father suddenly decided to Tune In, Turn On, and Drop Out. he dropped out alright - they were divorced the next year when I was 3. By the time I was 7 he had long hair, smoked pot in front of me, dropped us kids off at the beach and neve came back until dark, and lived with more girlfriends than I could count. I spent every other summer with him at whatever golf course he was working at. They were great places...too bad every time I think of them I remember how he neglected us. And I'm not talking didn't send child support neglect - I'm talking he left us home alone when we were 4 and 5 years old and told us to go swimming to keep ourselves occupied while he was gone.

But he was and still is a total loser. He's just not worth my effort anymore and I feel bad because he's my dad and he's getting old. But what did it for me was when he called me once on Christmas Day and said he was a the Denver airport on a layover and would me and my family come see him in the bar.

Well we went - but it dawned on me later - after realizing my Christmas dinner was ruined and we were left with nothing - just how rude that was. He was on his way to Texas to see OTHER family - but he couldn't spend more than a few hours in an airport bar with ME?

I pretty much disowned him then. I mean I'll talk to the guy if he calls but I'm not calling him and I was just in LA and never bothered to even tell him because he lost his license for too many DUI's and I wasn't about to spend my time carting him around like a child. That trip was about my daughter - his grand-daughter who he has never spent ANY time with. Hell, he's never even MET my son and he's 11.

Sparrow - parents aren't always what you see on TV. Sometimes you have to just let them go.
 
I can't tell you how much all of your support means to me. Thank you so much.

I'm definitely in the process of distancing myself emotionally from him. I've had several people say "You shouldn't do that, no matter what, he's your father." I'm sorry, but he doesn't act, talk, o r think like he is my "father" so how am I supposed to just blindly think that way? I can't. It really bugs me when I think about things like when I get married, w ill he even play a role in that? Be around my future children? Certainly not the way he is now. :|

I see what you mean about it not really being my chickens. I hadn't thought of it that way before, but it makes perfect sense. Several things have worked out that way for me over the past several years. A few years ago, he made me sell my 2 horses that I loved, just because I was only riding them every other week. I couldn't ride them more than that because I was dancing 6 days a week. I fought against selling them for 6 months before I had to do it. It still makes me mad, because he has bought 3 cars for my bro and a street bike. He only occasionally drives one car and the bike. The others just sit in the yard. His reasoning when I asked him about it is that the horses "destroyed the yard" and "cost too much in feed". They chewed up 1 of about 15 trees, our yard is never kept manicured, and through my Dad's partying they have trashedup the place completly with broken lawn chairs and things and cans and trash. Hm. AND, my mother bought the grain and said it was a very reasonable cost.
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I wish my Mother was able(in her mind) to stand up to him and change the situation. I'm always trying to talk to her and help her be a stronger person, but it doesn't seem to work too much. I think she is resistant to it for fear of struggling a lot and not having anything if she were to divorce him. I would LOVE to get away from the whole situation, but I would also feel guilty if I just took off and left her stuck in it. I have noticed that she has gotten on some divorce legality websites recently, though, so hopefully the idea is working it's way into her mind. I would love more than anything to have a place where I can still have my birds and other animals. I feel like I have to be so outwardly strong all the time and keep my real emotions bottled up that caring for my animals gives me a release for all that. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have them to car e fo. Even posting about them here is therapy for me.

I'm really sorry for everyone here who has/had bad experiences with their fathers too. When I read your stories, I relate to it so much because I know how it feels. It really helps me to know how you dealt with it, but it also breaks my heart that other people go through these things too.

I think we need a group
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From the sounds of it, it would be a rather large group. However sad it may be, it is nice to know one is not alone with these issues. There are a lot of people who have survived and come out on the other side with psyche attached securely. But...no matter how well we are doing now, I think, down deep we will always feel a piece is missing, somewhere. I find comfort in the fact that my children never have to wonder if they are loved.

Sparrow, when you start having children, remember how you DON'T want to treat your children. I am the youngest of 9 children and at least 6 of them have repeated the pattern of emotional abuse onto their children. I've often wondered why some do and some learn and don't do it.
 
Sparrow,

It sounds like you're starting to come out on top here. Some people in our lives are very draining. All they do is take and never give anything but grief. I have finally come to grips with the fact that sometimes you have to cut them loose. My DH has a useless father that left his life emotionally and physically for 30 years. He went through drug rehab and had to make amends. He came back into our lives for about 3 years and managed to get lots of attention and then left emotionally again. This time he left 3 grandkids, too. All phone calls came from us to him and then his wife would call and want us to spend some holiday time with them. We would go and he would still be emotionally distant. We've decided that he is DH's father not Dad. We cut him loose.

I have a very mean and hurtful grandmother who I took in for 2 years. Her hurtful comments and the tension she brought to our usually happy home almost destroyed us. She now lives in a very good nursing facility due to failing health. I tried visiting, but every time I do, she has something nasty to say. I stopped visiting except at special occasions when my mom asks me to attend. I feel bad sometimes and then I remember that she chose to be bitter and nasty. She chased me away.

I guess the long winded point I'm making here is that your father choses his lifestyle. He choses drugs over family. You didn't ask for it and are not obligated to keep him just because he donated some DNA. My mom becomes a child when in her mom's presence and takes all the crap that my grandmother dishes up. She enables the abuse. Don't get sucked into the mess. Find a way out that allows you peace of mind and happiness. Remember that you have a heavenly father who is perfectly loving and won't fail you like your earthly father has done. Look for Him and you will find peace even in the darkest times. (Psalm 23).

Kimberly
 
Sparrow,

Trust yourself and your own instincts no matter what. You have good instincts, it's obvious. Keep that part of you that loves animals -- it's the real you and a part that is loving, caring, and human.

Your dad is selfish, and he is behaving badly (and illegally). It is NOT YOUR FAULT, or your chickens fault. Do not expect your father to change -- he probably never will.

I can see how much of your emotional self is spent on your mom and trying to support her. It is good that you are talking with her, but keep some emotional boundaries for yourself, so that you don't give 100% of your energy to another person's problems, because your mother is an adult and is responsible for her own happiness. You are not responsible for your mother's life. For whatever reason, your mother is choosing to stay in an abusive relationship with your dad and is allowing you to suffer because of it. She's the adult and should know better. You should not have to be taking care of her life as well as yours. You deserve to be parented and nurtured, and if your parents aren't doing it, you may have to nurture yourself in different ways.

Mostly it will require courage. If you take a step toward your own independence, like others have suggested saving money toward getting your own apartment, you may feel guilty or bad or like you're abandoning your mother. But keep on going and make goals for yourself to make your life better -- that "feeling bad" is just the negativity from your father and your current situation. Most of all you must have courage to follow through and to be good to yourself. It sounds like you have a lot of courage to be as strong as you are.

You are "allowed" to be angry at your father and at your current situation, and I would "use" your anger as motivation to make some changes -- such as saving up money to get your own place to live.

There are lots of good people out there and you deserve to be around friends and people who love and support you.

If you need people to talk to, there are some counselors that may accept a sliding-scale fee, and also free 12-step groups in most places that may be available such as Al-Anon or Ala-teen (for people who have to live with alcoholics).

Take care of yourself,
Annie
 
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