This is too much for me.

[The Chicken Lady]

Call the cops on him when he's smoking pot in your house. You're not helping him heal himself if you (silently) approve of what he's doing. You're also not helping your brothers, who are following his modeling. That will get him out of the house, especially if you can get the cops to show up when he has a ton of it sitting around.

Then, get yourself a restraining order.

To do this will require a strong backbone and a hardened heart, but you need to look at your father as a child who needs discipline. He is a child because he isn't in control of his life. He needs help. You may be the only person sane enough to get it for him.

Also, at this point in your life, moving out may be more important for your future than keeping birds. I had to give up my chickens to go to college and start my career. Now I am married and saving for a house. When we get it, I will have chickens again.

There are lots of ways to help yourself, and a lot of tough choices to make. You need to get selfish and decide what is best for YOUR well-being and YOUR future. You are rising above being a victim of your father's choices right now, and you need to continue on that path.

 

[joebryant]

Sparrow, it all boils down to the simple fact that he is NOT your father; he's a sperm donor, nothing more.
Don't speak to him or recognize the fact that he exists, even if he's in the same room with you.

 

[Oblio13]

We're only getting one side of an adolescent girl's story here, and some of it isn't passing the smell test.

I don't think we should be advising her to do things like calling the cops on her father, or disowning him while she lives in his house.

 

[jenjscott]

I don't think 21 yrs old is considered an adolescent.

 

[Oblio13]

Quote:
Living at home, no "steady income", keeping chickens and ducks in a bedroom, angry that she couldn't keep horses that she didn't ride, vague references to problems with "dating older boys".

Close enough for government work.

 

[Reinbeau]

The guy smokes pot and drinks with his underage sons. I don't need his side of the story. Sparrow, you just keep on growing. He may have donated sperm but he's not old enough to be a father.

My boy's father now smokes pot and offers other drugs to our eldest son. He's a 'recovering' alcoholic, alcoholism runs strong in his family. I fear for my son now (he's 27), he never had a relationship with his father when he was younger, said father was too high and drunk to pay much attention to anyone but himself. While I love both my boys dearly and can't imagine life without them, some men should just not have children. Ever.

 

[Cheryl]

I think the best advice here for immediate help was as suggested call the cops the next time he is smoking in the house...then get your restraining order! If you are living with your mom then you should both be safe from the verbal abuse and since he has his own home, you are not putting him on the street. Of course your mom needs to be on board as well. good luck

 

[jenjscott]

Living at home, no "steady income", keeping chickens and ducks in a bedroom, angry that she couldn't keep horses that she didn't ride, vague references to problems with "dating older boys".

Wait a minute! You got to leave the underlined part out of your description of adolescent or we'll all be included!

 

[Rusty Hills Farm]

Sparrow, what you need to realize is that doing the same things over and over will only produce the same results. If you want different results, you have to do something differently.

Consider that moving out strengthens you and enables you to get on your own feet. It allows you to become stronger emotionally than you are today. You're worried about your mom, I know, but right now you are not strong enough to help her help herself. You need to be dealing from a position of strength. A full-time job and a roof of your own are the first 2 steps toward that stronger position. It will be much easier to see the right course once you have that independence.

HTH

 

[mom'sfolly]

Seems to me I read Sparrow is working.

Having come from a family with an alcoholic father and a mentally ill mother, Sparrow's description definitely passes my smell test.

Sparrow, the suggestion of Al-anon for you and your mom is a good one. Your mom needs to lose this guy. Al-anon will help you understand his actions and how to deal with them. The issue with your chickens is control; moving your chickens out of the bedroom is just the first step. Next is "they are noisy and smelly, get rid of them". His emotional and verbal abuse is not your fault, and your mother should NOT be forwarding such abuse to you. It sounds to me like she is very frightened of him. As for distancing yourself from your father, do it. He was responsible for your conception, but that doesn't mean that you owe him respect or love despite of his abuse.

As for prefering your brother he does so because your brother doesn't hold him accountable for his actions. As for suppling your brother with alcohol and weed; its illegal and immoral. If you decide to call the cops, you need to recognize the problems that will be caused for you and your mom. Dad will be around until things come to trial, and if he finds out who called........
To your brother Dad is a good time kinda guy, and unfortunately your brother will probably end up the same way.

Good luck, and try to find someone close to home to talk to.