This is too much for me.

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I too grew up in a house where my father never had anything nice to say about anything I did. Every decision I made was wrong and nothing was ever good enough. I was angry and resentful for a long time, yet part of me kept trying to please him so he would finally be proud of me. One day I realized that I did not have to love him just because he's related to me. I realized that I am a good person...and he is not.
His opinions didn't matter because they weren't coming from someone I respect. As soon as I was old enough, I removed him from my life.
Everyone told me I was a monster, he's my Dad, etc.
I felt like a great weight had lifted and I know I made the right decision.

This may not be right for you, but my point is, don't let anyone shake you from your confidence in yourself. You know you are a good person, there is nothing wrong with you that makes you father behave so badly, it's him. Not everyone is a great parent or even a decent human being. It sounds like your Dad has some serious problems and you're a scapegoat. Hopefully, your Mom will help you through this, if not, try to find another person you trust so you have someone to talk to......
I hope things get better for you.....
 
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You said your mother wants you to continue to live at home. If so, she needs to keep her household under control. If she can't, or won't, intervene, find another place to live. Get a few roomates, and move out.

I'm 52 years old, and I never married. Probably because I had seven siblings, and everyone picked on everyone else. I have lived alone since I was twenty (now with two loving dogs and some chickens). I like it that way. You might really "find yourself" if you seek independence.
 
You and your mother both are living in a very abusive relationship. Neither of you will ever get the approval or love from that man. I have been there and I have tried. My mother has been there and she tried. It sucks and its never going to happen (the love & approval)

Do not take what he says to heart. He is a mean and cruel person. You have not done anything wrong, except being born a woman. Support your mother, but don't stay too long where he ruins your self esteem and self worth. Do not be intimidated by him and continue to stand up to him, its the only way you or your mother will survive.

You both are worth alot more and deserve alot more than that man. Always remember that. Hopefully he isnt teaching your brother how to treat women.

Your mom should kick him out, file for divorce and stand up for herself. Its the only way she will be free of him. It wont be easy but the rewards will be worth it.
 
I feel bad for you, because it seems like Mom is not standing up for you. Dad is able to "go through" her because she is willing to do so. This is a really bad situation for anyone to be in. As a parent, it really pulls at my heartstrings to think that a child would have so little support from parents.
If you stay on in this household, consider availing yourself to some outside support: an Alanon group, a friend who will allow you to vent, or a counselor.
You will be in my thoughts...
 
After I made my post I was thinking, why can't you and your mom move out and live together for a while? But "Rooster" is right - your mom needs to kick the bum out. If she gets legal help, he will probably be required to help with expenses until your mom can make it on her own.

Best of luck to you.
 
Okay, I normally prefer to stay away from topics that tend to be emotionally 'hot', but I have to throw my 2 cents in on this one.

As I was growing up, my alcoholic father reminded me nearly daily of how stupid, fat and ugly I was and that NO one would EVER love me, least of all him. I was simply preventing his ability to have all the great things in life that he felt he deserved.

My mother married her sweetheart at 16, and had 2 kids with this abusive, alcoholic, two-timing husband. She didn't drive, they lived way out of town on a farm. He would disappear with any of the multitude of women for days on end, leaving her with two young children and animals to feed but no food or means to get food. At one point, she turned many of the animals out thinking they at least had a chance to find food for themselves.

I remember as a young girl, my mom wearing long sleeves in the summer time to hide bruises. He was smart in that he never hit her in the face where people could see it. He once sabotaged the car she and I were driving in. We were heading down the highway (moving) from Nebraska to Arizona after fueling up, and the gas tank FELL OFF the car. We know he rigged it because he had 'serviced' the car before we left, and assured us we should 'watch our backs' during the drive. He was evil, and we knew it.

When I was 13 or 14, I worked and saved until I could buy myself the one and only bathing suit I ever owned. One day when my brother was at work and my mom had gone to the neighbor's, he ORDERED me to put the suit on for his approval, NO underclothing, either. (This was the man whom I watched put my brother's head through a solid oak door and I was NOT about to defy him.) He immediately pointed out the bad things about the suit; too short, too low, too revealing. It was a one piece with a strap that went from one side, around my back to the other side, no shoulder straps. He suggested altering the strap slightly because if I didn't when I dove in, it would fall, like this........and he pulled the top of my suit so hard the strap tore, and the suit stopped at my waist.

I never wore the suit again after that.

I tried for years to have a relationship with him, he kept yo-yoing me back and forth, I was trash this week, but suitable last week. Even after I became a mom at 19, I tried for my son to have some sort of relationship with that side of the family. The first time my father referred to himself as "grandpa" to my son, I was done. I felt I was encouraging my child to endure the same abuse I had endured all those years. I wanted better than that for him.

The point to this long, convoluted tale is that I've been there, done that with the abusive father thing. I finally made the decision to 'divorce' that whole side of the family (suffice it to say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree). The second I did, I became a better person. I realized that I AM a valuable, beloved part of the world and that I AM worthy of everything life has to offer, just like anybody else is, including him.

11 years ago (Sunday, in fact), my father died of Multiple Sclerosis. I never went to see him (he'd moved back to Nebraska), didn't go to services, didn't send a card, etc. His family was mortified. I was then and still am perfectly comfortable with that. Had he asked for me, I'm not sure what I would have done. I really don't think I would have gone to him, but who knows.

Your father is abusing you and your mother, even your brother to some extent. At this point, he is obviously NOT going to stop. Your mother is more powerful and stronger than she realizes she is. My mother had no education, and wasn't even working when my parents separated (the last time). I went to work and was earning a whole $2 an hour, but supported the two of us AND my brother. We had a very patient and understanding landlord and found that honesty goes much further in some circumstances than money. We didn't qualify for goverment help, but we made it through on that $2/hour.

I think you and your mom know what the next step is, and I certainly understand your reluctance to take it, but know your own strength, have faith.

Whatever route you and your mom decide to take, know that you are not alone. There is a ton of support out there.
 
Sparrow,

I am so sorry that you have to deal with such a miserable father. You sound like a good "kid"(I'm 41 so to me you are a kid). Realize early that you can't please everyone. If you know that you are treating others the way you want to be treated - showing respect for people and there things- and if you like you, that really is good enough. Hang in there. Try not to make major decisions out of emotions, but think things through. Be careful. Try to be a peacemaker (don't rile him up on purpose) even if that means just staying out of your father's way. Wishing you the best.

Kimberly
 
I've been where you are at my whole life, Sparrow, and, trust me, it has nothing to do with brooding chickens. It has to do with an emotionally abusive father and his need to control. You will never be able to do anything to help this relationship and you need to take care of your emotional health. As soon as you are financially able, you need to distance yourself from this situation. If your mom allows this to go on at her house, she is an enabler. I know, my mother is my best friend also, but she enables this abuse of you and of her. Distance yourself and surround yourself with supportive people and things that bring you joy. You will never find it where you are looking. The natural love that fathers should have for their children is not present in your father's heart. Its not you, it has never been you. You do nothing wrong. On the contrary, it sounds as if you are trying very hard to do the right thing and I would be proud to call you my daughter!!! Find a support group in your region, join up and you may just find a way to get a place of your own and a life without that stumbling block of a father. I did and I have been happy for many years away from the daily reminder that my dad hates me. So what? My heavenly father loves me dearly and sacrificed his Son for me and that's all that really matters! Good luck on your path to understanding and acceptance!
 
"It's almost more upsetting that way, because I just have to go around knowing what my father thinks of me."

Your father is not thinking of you in any way. It is apparent that he does not know you at all. He is reacting out of his own feelings of worthlessness, trying to bring you down. Once you realize this, nothing he does can affect you.
 
Sparrow, I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through a similar situation. My dad stopped talking to me when I started dating my now fiancee. That lasted for about 3 years and then I started calling him again. He still never calls me, I call him about once every 1-2 months.
You need to get out of there. That's my opinion. No one should have to listen to their own father cussing them out like that. Get an apartment, if you can. I can't believe he drinks and does drugs around you. My opinion on that is, once you have kids, you need to grow up!
Please feel free to pm if you need someone to talk to! I didn't let my dad pressure me into his will. My boyfriend Bryan and I have been dating for over 4 years now and are getting married in October.
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So stay strong! And pm me if you need to talk!!
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