unhappy surprise

[kareninthesun]

I have a friend who is always broke. she's in her 60's a recovering alcoholic, working when there's a need. when Dad passed away I gave her his nearly brand new hearing aides because she didnt have the money, then paid for her Costco card so she could get them adjusted where we originally bought them. i picked up the cost for that. give her food from the garden. i aid over 100 bucks for her to go to a retreat. I have had a hectic schedule the last three weeks. my hubby tagged along to work w/ the end of this week out of state. we hoteled on the cheap w/ a small fridge/ microwave to save money and gave each other a small bit of cash to spend on the way home(limited at.30 bucks each) @ the casino as a treat. we`re working the penny machines and betting low to give more time and i hear my friends voice. look around the corner and shes sitting at the dollar machine loosing like crazy. i let her know im there. shes been drinking. she keeps playing. says she likes to come up there. then asks me more than once if i know of any job opps. her job is completed and shes broke. i know better than to state how i view it. She must have enough booze in her to block the obvious of whats happening. she said she came alone. but a few other older ladies said she rode with them on the bus tour. i took her car keys and said id pick her up at the station when she got back. i dont know how long shes been doing this but its time not to feed into her victim list of co dependency. im also close friends with her brother. he would be very upset to know whats going on. i wont tell him. but she needs something to shake her from this. when she can listen. we will start with no more money and a serious honest talk between her and her AA sponsor. i watched her roll over nearly 800 bucks and loose it all. the staff knew her by name.

 

[bustermommy]

Sounds like she has a gambling addiction in addition to the alcohol addiction. Sorry you were disappointed.

 

[SillyChicken]

Whoa........ time to cut the enabeling strings!

 

[Cetawin]

I am so sorry. I know it hurts to watch a friend go through this sort of thing but it hurts much more to carry a feeling of betrayal. The only thing you can do at this point is as you plan, talk with her and the AA counselor, cut off the financial support and other aid outside of being there for her as emotional support.

 

[Royd]

She's 60 years old and her pattern is set and so is her course, including blowing off any kind of authority figure. Some peoples' high point in life is working on slow suicide.

 

[sourland]

Stop all financial enabling, confront her when she is sober, and let her sponsor know what is going on. She has not faced the reality of her disease. At 60 her 'course' is not necessarily set. Some beat this disease, and some don't. That's just a fact. Trust me I know.

 

[kareninthesun]

I knew about her alcoholism, and she's shared about her ongoing depression. I'm guessing that if she isn't taking her meds, she's seeking her rush through gambling and trying to hang onto those highs. My Dad did the same thing, but I've long dealt with this from him. I think part of my reaction was hard to identify because it was dragged from my past. I had to remember that she isn't my Dad. I can be her friend, but will not be her crutch. Friends don't do that. Not if they really care. Luckly, I can be be brutally honest with her when she's centered. But what annoys me most is how I couldn't see the signs earlier...I should have, and responded accordingly.

 

[justbugged]

Quote:
You may think that you should have seen it earlier, but I am sure that she didn't want you to know. Addicts know how to play people, and they are very good at it. It is part the addiction. So I am sure that there wasn't many signs. I don't know why you should let the brother know. He may have a lot more influence, or maybe his is being played too. It sounds like you are going to do the right thing.

 

[Fierlin1182]

Aww shucks, sorry you were disappointed

Sounds like she's fighting a lot of battles right now.
"I can be her friend, but will not be her crutch. Friends don't do that. Not if they really care." That's very true. You sound like a good friend.

 

[punk-a-doodle]

Ray, your posts always just make me happy. They are just very genuine.

Karen, so very sorry this has happened, especially because it sounds like you are struggling with how this relates to your dad and childhood. I really don't think not seeing the signs is any sort of slip up on your part. When you did see them, you immediately responded in an incredibly informed and in charge manner. Your friend is lucky to have you there to try to guide her through her unhealthy habits and patterns of thinking and behaving.