Quote:
Yep I've had counseling and ditto here! After all, we can not read our spouses' mind.
Yep I've had counseling and ditto here! After all, we can not read our spouses' mind.
WARNING ...Ranty
- Thread starter Mrs. Green Thumbs
- Start date
- Jun 14, 2009
- 1,735
- 32
- 161
Couple things.
I agree with Katy. Putting out their for every one to see, ain't helping no one.
Secondly, for everyone else reading the thread, and this is not taking sides------- but------
Been my experience that when you "hear" stories such as this, you are getting only a partial view of what is going on. Three sides to every story applies here-- her side, his side and then the truth. Be very careful about advising some one to "leave" when you ain't got no idea about what is really going on. Taking the OP's rant at face value, giving it 100% credence, things look bad. However should you give any one 100% credence--- even me and everybody knows (or do they) I don't fib, exagerate, fabricate, fuss, fume and or lie.
Get my point?
I agree with Katy. Putting out their for every one to see, ain't helping no one.
Secondly, for everyone else reading the thread, and this is not taking sides------- but------
Been my experience that when you "hear" stories such as this, you are getting only a partial view of what is going on. Three sides to every story applies here-- her side, his side and then the truth. Be very careful about advising some one to "leave" when you ain't got no idea about what is really going on. Taking the OP's rant at face value, giving it 100% credence, things look bad. However should you give any one 100% credence--- even me and everybody knows (or do they) I don't fib, exagerate, fabricate, fuss, fume and or lie.
Get my point?
Quote:
I agree, otherwise sending hugs your way
I agree, otherwise sending hugs your way
Mrs. Green Thumbs :
...My flock was an exciting and well thought out decision. I went into this project fully aware of the work they would take and the Money. I knew that with our income we could swing their care and I knew I was capable with my DH's help to make my own pen and coop. He of course agreed ...
Did he really agree to this being a joint project? Or did you assume he would help? Or agree that you should get the chickens you wanted? Did HE know the amount of work involved and agree to participate? Your "He of course agreed" sounds more like he did not voice objection, which is not hte same as agreeing.
... The DH has been a complete JERK. He knew we were planning on making the pen this past Saturday and he griped and complained about having to do it the entire time... I expect him to help....
Who made the plans? Did he say "let's make the pen on Saturday" or did you? or did you tell him that you planned to make it then and expected his help?
... I have a step son that has been kept out of his father's life for the first 5 years. When I came into Eddie's life his son soon followed into the picture....a 6 y/o. And when I correct him or even venture to demand the respect I deserve as an adult,.... I love my partner, I love his son... I hate being treated like his depression is ment to be taken out on me, I hate feeling like I am expected to help take care of this child but I don't have the right to even correct him when he is purposely disrespecting me....
The timelines don't jive. He had no contact for 5 years; the boy is now 6, and came to live with y'all (?) shortly after y'all started dating? And somewhere in there you talk about being together 3 years?
One of the first rules of step-parenting is that discipline decisions come from the parent. Every family needs to have coordinated discipline and rules--mom's style and dad's style don't have to be on exactly the sme page, but they do need to be at least from the same book. Young children are not mini-adults--they don't automatically know how to be respectful. There are ways of teaching a child to be respectful that also respect the child; and ways of interacting to demand respect without giving it. You catch flies with honey, not vinegar. At 6, he should have been in school nearly 2 years (kindergarten and most of 1st grade)--how is he doing in school: getting along with the other kids and the teacher?
I hear you having a LOT of controlling issues. You make the consistent paycheck, so you feel like you should have more say in the relationship--that you have the authority to schedule not only your own life, but also your dh's. He resists and complains and that makes you feel disrespected.
Y'all seriously need help in learning how to communicate with each other, respecting each other and finding common ground.
...My flock was an exciting and well thought out decision. I went into this project fully aware of the work they would take and the Money. I knew that with our income we could swing their care and I knew I was capable with my DH's help to make my own pen and coop. He of course agreed ...
Did he really agree to this being a joint project? Or did you assume he would help? Or agree that you should get the chickens you wanted? Did HE know the amount of work involved and agree to participate? Your "He of course agreed" sounds more like he did not voice objection, which is not hte same as agreeing.
... The DH has been a complete JERK. He knew we were planning on making the pen this past Saturday and he griped and complained about having to do it the entire time... I expect him to help....
Who made the plans? Did he say "let's make the pen on Saturday" or did you? or did you tell him that you planned to make it then and expected his help?
... I have a step son that has been kept out of his father's life for the first 5 years. When I came into Eddie's life his son soon followed into the picture....a 6 y/o. And when I correct him or even venture to demand the respect I deserve as an adult,.... I love my partner, I love his son... I hate being treated like his depression is ment to be taken out on me, I hate feeling like I am expected to help take care of this child but I don't have the right to even correct him when he is purposely disrespecting me....
The timelines don't jive. He had no contact for 5 years; the boy is now 6, and came to live with y'all (?) shortly after y'all started dating? And somewhere in there you talk about being together 3 years?
One of the first rules of step-parenting is that discipline decisions come from the parent. Every family needs to have coordinated discipline and rules--mom's style and dad's style don't have to be on exactly the sme page, but they do need to be at least from the same book. Young children are not mini-adults--they don't automatically know how to be respectful. There are ways of teaching a child to be respectful that also respect the child; and ways of interacting to demand respect without giving it. You catch flies with honey, not vinegar. At 6, he should have been in school nearly 2 years (kindergarten and most of 1st grade)--how is he doing in school: getting along with the other kids and the teacher?
I hear you having a LOT of controlling issues. You make the consistent paycheck, so you feel like you should have more say in the relationship--that you have the authority to schedule not only your own life, but also your dh's. He resists and complains and that makes you feel disrespected.
Y'all seriously need help in learning how to communicate with each other, respecting each other and finding common ground.
Spouses will not change because you think they have a problem they will only change when they KNOW they have a problem and want to change .
Patty
Patty
You say you love your partner. I can't help but wonder why. Ask yourself what you are getting out of the relationship except a lot of abuse. Does he love you? If so he has a funny way of showing it. People who like and love each other do not treat each other the way he is treating you. Step back and ask yourself if this is the way you want to live your life. You are the only one who can answer this. My husband and I were married 45 years. We did not always agree with each other but we always treated each other with respect and when there were differences we hashed them out in private. Never in front of others.
I've been in a step-child situation with my ex-husband and first off, it can be EXTREMELY stressful even in the best circumstances, and horribly so if what you're saying about the other family is true. Ours was not an ideal situation as far as our relationship with the child's mother. However, he was also 13 when he came to live with us and it was difficult to say the least. For me. For him. For everyone.
The ONLY WAY we could get through (and we didn't divorce because of my stepson ~ it was long after we raised him) was for my ex and I to be on the same page about discipline, etc with the child. Period. We had to be a united front and if I were doing something wrong or something that he wasn't comfortable with, it was NEVER discussed in front of the child. He backed me up and we discussed it later. I'm not saying I was an angel either. I had never been a parent and I honestly didn't know what the heck I was doing sometimes....it was VERY hard but I did my best. And I tried as hard as I could to listen to and respect his thoughts and feelings regarding his child.
There seems to be a lot of different issues in your relationship but I gotta say that I think the issue with the child is probably something that creates huge amounts of tension, hidden resentment and unbelievable stress, which makes everything else a thousand times worse. And even if the child is a complete brat, not many parents are going to be receptive to being told their kid is rotten so if you're approaching it that way, you're hitting a brick wall and you're never gonna get through it.
We all have limits and boundaries and you can't have a relationship without knowing and understanding what those are...your own and your partner's. Sometimes, people can't change or they don't want to change and without professional help, they can't hear you. Or, perhaps, they only can hear themselves.
It sounds like a very disrespectful situation and I'm sorry for that. You can't be a doormat forever...everyone has their breaking point. I've also been in another relationship where I was constantly belittled and disrepected...after awhile, I started to just about believe the things he was saying about me and that scared the crap out of me so I left. It was hard but it was the best thing that I could have done for myself.
Now, I know what a good marriage is and I didn't settle for anything less this time around. You can be happy again!
The ONLY WAY we could get through (and we didn't divorce because of my stepson ~ it was long after we raised him) was for my ex and I to be on the same page about discipline, etc with the child. Period. We had to be a united front and if I were doing something wrong or something that he wasn't comfortable with, it was NEVER discussed in front of the child. He backed me up and we discussed it later. I'm not saying I was an angel either. I had never been a parent and I honestly didn't know what the heck I was doing sometimes....it was VERY hard but I did my best. And I tried as hard as I could to listen to and respect his thoughts and feelings regarding his child.
There seems to be a lot of different issues in your relationship but I gotta say that I think the issue with the child is probably something that creates huge amounts of tension, hidden resentment and unbelievable stress, which makes everything else a thousand times worse. And even if the child is a complete brat, not many parents are going to be receptive to being told their kid is rotten so if you're approaching it that way, you're hitting a brick wall and you're never gonna get through it.
We all have limits and boundaries and you can't have a relationship without knowing and understanding what those are...your own and your partner's. Sometimes, people can't change or they don't want to change and without professional help, they can't hear you. Or, perhaps, they only can hear themselves.
It sounds like a very disrespectful situation and I'm sorry for that. You can't be a doormat forever...everyone has their breaking point. I've also been in another relationship where I was constantly belittled and disrepected...after awhile, I started to just about believe the things he was saying about me and that scared the crap out of me so I left. It was hard but it was the best thing that I could have done for myself.
Now, I know what a good marriage is and I didn't settle for anything less this time around. You can be happy again!
I feel badly that your relationship is making you so unhappy. Sounds like you have a lot of issues to discuss with your DH and I hope you can work them out.
Not every day in our marriage is all wedded bliss either...after being married 20+ years, there are always ups and downs..but I will say that we have made it over a lot of hurdles together and our communication has gotten better.
Good Luck with whatever you decide to do!
Not every day in our marriage is all wedded bliss either...after being married 20+ years, there are always ups and downs..but I will say that we have made it over a lot of hurdles together and our communication has gotten better.
Good Luck with whatever you decide to do!
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