What did you all do about your dissaproving DH?

[Raz'sRoost]

For a year I gave my DH little tidbit facts about chickens (all in favor of them)....finally he gave in!

Now, Mr. "There's no way we will have cheickens" often sneaks out to hang with all the little ones when he thinks I am not looking!

Of course now he wants to get goats and bunnies.......

 

[CityGirlintheCountry]

Quote:
Why not? You are perfectly capable of building a coop. (And that's not "despite of" or "even though" you are a woman!) If you wanted the chickens in the first place, why would you not want to take ownership of building the coop? That is making the home for them. I understand wanting your husband's help on it. Sure, it's easier to have two sets of hands rather than one. But yes. You should have been out there using the power tools and hefting the wood. "Your place" is taking care of the things that are important to you, whether those things are inside the house, outside the house or under the house.

I totally understand Hikerchick's posts. Some women get married and use their husband as a substitute father. (And note that I said "some" and not "all". Many of you on here are strong independent women with lovely partnership marriages. I am envious of you for sure.) But this attitude of "Well I don't know. I'll have to ask if I can..." is horrifying. It's one thing to discuss all of the possible ramifications of adding another animal to the family. I think that is one of the reason's God created spouses. Two brains working on an idea are better than one and are more likely to think of all the potential problems down the line and more likely to figure out what will be best for the family unit. But to have the attitude that you must ask permission before you do anything toasts my hide. Are you not an adult? Did God not give you a functioning brain that He wants you to use? He did not create us to be floor mats.
People that throw around the "God says to be a submissive wife" thing are always really quick to forget the verses that come before that in the Bible. The man is commanded to love the wife MORE THAN he loves himself. He is commanded to love the wife as Christ loves the church, and that is a completely sacrificial love. HE is sacrificing first to the wife's needs (and perhaps wants). It is easy to submit if you the wife know that he is sacrificing for you first. But many of the families that tout the submissive wife rule completely forget the man's responsibility. It turns the husband into the dictator, not the husband.

You say your place is in the home and you don't need to be able to do all these things because your husband takes care of them. What happens when something happens to your husband? A large chunk of marriages end in divorce. A larger number of marriages (ummm, 100%) end in death. Statistically it is more likely that the man will die first. What are you going to do then? Panic? Fall completely apart and not be able to function independently? What kind of lesson is that for your kids? No matter how your family chooses to divide the chores, YOU need to know how to do all of it. You need to have a bank account with your name on it so that should something horrible happen you have access to money. Know how to use the debit card. Know how to pay the bills (and what bills you have). Know everything there is to know about your financial situation and how to deal with those elements. Know how to take care of basic stuff around the house. All those things your husband does now you need to know how to do. The same is true for him. HE needs to know how to do all the things you do. What if something happens to you? Do you really want him to be left incapable of living along or incapable of taking care of your kids? That is the height of irresponsibility.

Being "girly" is one thing. Celebrating your chosen roles in a relationship is fine. Everybody has things they are better at. That is what they should be doing within the relationship. My dad is an excellent cook. Mom? Not so much. Dad enjoyed the cooking and grocery shopping and so that's what he did. Mom hated it and was quite happy to let Dad take care of it. Mom did the bill paying. She was much better at money stuff than Dad and so she did the family budget. Now after almost 50 years of marriage they still hold these same roles. Back in February we had a scare when Dad was diagnosed with cancer. Things looked really bad for a while. All of a sudden Mom had to take care of all the chores. Could she do it? Sure. Did she want to? Not really. But she knows how to do it all. There were never any "girl" chores and "boy" chores in our family. There were chores that you were good at and chores that you just did because you needed to know how to do them. I am so grateful that my parents modeled this strength and independence for me.
You never know how your life will end up. I thought I'd follow the typical path and be married with a family. That hasn't happened due to things beyond my control. I have friends that thought they'd be married forever. Hasn't happened due to things beyond their control. Life happens and you must be a capable adult able to handle what comes at you. Does that mean you should be able to build a chicken coop? Yes. Being a girl does not excuse you from being able to take care of yourself and those things that you love.

 

[hikerchick]

Quote:
I bow to your eloquence.

You have captured my thoughts so much better than I ever could. Thank you!!!

 

[bawkbawkbawk]

This is a fascinating thread! I want to know if the OP ever got the little BR chick she wanted?

I wonder if her DH's problem is that she and her son seem to be enjoying the chickens together and whether that could be a dynamic that's repeated elsewhere in the family system and thus, the DH feels isolated? Just a wild guess, given not enough info. Or maybe he's just mean? Angry about something else and is trying to punish her through something that gives her pleasure? Or maybe he's just chronically unhappy and can't stand seeing her enjoy the chickens or anything else because he's incapable of enjoying anything?

Regardless, what pretty much everyone is talking about here is balance or the lack thereof in relationships. We all bring a particular set of strengths and weaknesses to a relationship; the trick is to find someone who complements who we are in a way that makes us our best self and ideally, a couple develops a synergy that makes it more than the sum of its parts. Then we're better prepared to raise kids - or chickens.

 

[Ladyhawke1]

Quote:
Why not? You are perfectly capable of building a coop. (And that's not "despite of" or "even though" you are a woman!) If you wanted the chickens in the first place, why would you not want to take ownership of building the coop? That is making the home for them. I understand wanting your husband's help on it. Sure, it's easier to have two sets of hands rather than one. But yes. You should have been out there using the power tools and hefting the wood. "Your place" is taking care of the things that are important to you, whether those things are inside the house, outside the house or under the house.

I totally understand Hikerchick's posts. Some women get married and use their husband as a substitute father. (And note that I said "some" and not "all". Many of you on here are strong independent women with lovely partnership marriages. I am envious of you for sure.) But this attitude of "Well I don't know. I'll have to ask if I can..." is horrifying. It's one thing to discuss all of the possible ramifications of adding another animal to the family. I think that is one of the reason's God created spouses. Two brains working on an idea are better than one and are more likely to think of all the potential problems down the line and more likely to figure out what will be best for the family unit. But to have the attitude that you must ask permission before you do anything toasts my hide. Are you not an adult? Did God not give you a functioning brain that He wants you to use? He did not create us to be floor mats.
People that throw around the "God says to be a submissive wife" thing are always really quick to forget the verses that come before that in the Bible. The man is commanded to love the wife MORE THAN he loves himself. He is commanded to love the wife as Christ loves the church, and that is a completely sacrificial love. HE is sacrificing first to the wife's needs (and perhaps wants). It is easy to submit if you the wife know that he is sacrificing for you first. But many of the families that tout the submissive wife rule completely forget the man's responsibility. It turns the husband into the dictator, not the husband.

You say your place is in the home and you don't need to be able to do all these things because your husband takes care of them. What happens when something happens to your husband? A large chunk of marriages end in divorce. A larger number of marriages (ummm, 100%) end in death. Statistically it is more likely that the man will die first. What are you going to do then? Panic? Fall completely apart and not be able to function independently? What kind of lesson is that for your kids? No matter how your family chooses to divide the chores, YOU need to know how to do all of it. You need to have a bank account with your name on it so that should something horrible happen you have access to money. Know how to use the debit card. Know how to pay the bills (and what bills you have). Know everything there is to know about your financial situation and how to deal with those elements. Know how to take care of basic stuff around the house. All those things your husband does now you need to know how to do. The same is true for him. HE needs to know how to do all the things you do. What if something happens to you? Do you really want him to be left incapable of living along or incapable of taking care of your kids? That is the height of irresponsibility.

Being "girly" is one thing. Celebrating your chosen roles in a relationship is fine. Everybody has things they are better at. That is what they should be doing within the relationship. My dad is an excellent cook. Mom? Not so much. Dad enjoyed the cooking and grocery shopping and so that's what he did. Mom hated it and was quite happy to let Dad take care of it. Mom did the bill paying. She was much better at money stuff than Dad and so she did the family budget. Now after almost 50 years of marriage they still hold these same roles. Back in February we had a scare when Dad was diagnosed with cancer. Things looked really bad for a while. All of a sudden Mom had to take care of all the chores. Could she do it? Sure. Did she want to? Not really. But she knows how to do it all. There were never any "girl" chores and "boy" chores in our family. There were chores that you were good at and chores that you just did because you needed to know how to do them. I am so grateful that my parents modeled this strength and independence for me.
You never know how your life will end up. I thought I'd follow the typical path and be married with a family. That hasn't happened due to things beyond my control. I have friends that thought they'd be married forever. Hasn't happened due to things beyond their control. Life happens and you must be a capable adult able to handle what comes at you. Does that mean you should be able to build a chicken coop? Yes. Being a girl does not excuse you from being able to take care of yourself and those things that you love.

You have got to be one of the most sensible people on god's green earth.

 

[babylady4]

Quote:
Why not? You are perfectly capable of building a coop. (And that's not "despite of" or "even though" you are a woman!) If you wanted the chickens in the first place, why would you not want to take ownership of building the coop? That is making the home for them. I understand wanting your husband's help on it. Sure, it's easier to have two sets of hands rather than one. But yes. You should have been out there using the power tools and hefting the wood. "Your place" is taking care of the things that are important to you, whether those things are inside the house, outside the house or under the house.

I totally understand Hikerchick's posts. Some women get married and use their husband as a substitute father. (And note that I said "some" and not "all". Many of you on here are strong independent women with lovely partnership marriages. I am envious of you for sure.) But this attitude of "Well I don't know. I'll have to ask if I can..." is horrifying. It's one thing to discuss all of the possible ramifications of adding another animal to the family. I think that is one of the reason's God created spouses. Two brains working on an idea are better than one and are more likely to think of all the potential problems down the line and more likely to figure out what will be best for the family unit. But to have the attitude that you must ask permission before you do anything toasts my hide. Are you not an adult? Did God not give you a functioning brain that He wants you to use? He did not create us to be floor mats.
People that throw around the "God says to be a submissive wife" thing are always really quick to forget the verses that come before that in the Bible. The man is commanded to love the wife MORE THAN he loves himself. He is commanded to love the wife as Christ loves the church, and that is a completely sacrificial love. HE is sacrificing first to the wife's needs (and perhaps wants). It is easy to submit if you the wife know that he is sacrificing for you first. But many of the families that tout the submissive wife rule completely forget the man's responsibility. It turns the husband into the dictator, not the husband.

You say your place is in the home and you don't need to be able to do all these things because your husband takes care of them. What happens when something happens to your husband? A large chunk of marriages end in divorce. A larger number of marriages (ummm, 100%) end in death. Statistically it is more likely that the man will die first. What are you going to do then? Panic? Fall completely apart and not be able to function independently? What kind of lesson is that for your kids? No matter how your family chooses to divide the chores, YOU need to know how to do all of it. You need to have a bank account with your name on it so that should something horrible happen you have access to money. Know how to use the debit card. Know how to pay the bills (and what bills you have). Know everything there is to know about your financial situation and how to deal with those elements. Know how to take care of basic stuff around the house. All those things your husband does now you need to know how to do. The same is true for him. HE needs to know how to do all the things you do. What if something happens to you? Do you really want him to be left incapable of living along or incapable of taking care of your kids? That is the height of irresponsibility.

Being "girly" is one thing. Celebrating your chosen roles in a relationship is fine. Everybody has things they are better at. That is what they should be doing within the relationship. My dad is an excellent cook. Mom? Not so much. Dad enjoyed the cooking and grocery shopping and so that's what he did. Mom hated it and was quite happy to let Dad take care of it. Mom did the bill paying. She was much better at money stuff than Dad and so she did the family budget. Now after almost 50 years of marriage they still hold these same roles. Back in February we had a scare when Dad was diagnosed with cancer. Things looked really bad for a while. All of a sudden Mom had to take care of all the chores. Could she do it? Sure. Did she want to? Not really. But she knows how to do it all. There were never any "girl" chores and "boy" chores in our family. There were chores that you were good at and chores that you just did because you needed to know how to do them. I am so grateful that my parents modeled this strength and independence for me.
You never know how your life will end up. I thought I'd follow the typical path and be married with a family. That hasn't happened due to things beyond my control. I have friends that thought they'd be married forever. Hasn't happened due to things beyond their control. Life happens and you must be a capable adult able to handle what comes at you. Does that mean you should be able to build a chicken coop? Yes. Being a girl does not excuse you from being able to take care of yourself and those things that you love.

You have got to be one of the most sensible people on god's green earth.

THANK YOU!!!!!!

All I have to say is we must be related somehow.....

 

[Rillion]

I agree, CityGirlintheCountry's post was awesome. I very much enjoyed Rosalind's post too. There's some great commentary in this thread.

At a certain point, though, I think you have to throw your hands up and declare different strokes. You can say "That's certainly not the kind of relationship I want," but when you start telling other people what kind of relationships they should have, that everybody should have, you're eventually going to run into a wall.

I'm not one of those people who thinks that the man should be in charge-- even if it's "with love." I'm not one of those people who thinks that there are certain jobs the man should be doing and certain jobs the woman should be doing-- one of my good friends is a stay-at-home dad and absolutely loves it, and his wife makes more than enough money to sustain their family. Good for them.

But if other women want to submit to their husbands, well.....not much I can say about that. So long as they have the power to tell their husbands to get lost if they don't like the way things are going (every dom/sub relationship needs a safe word!) then the power distribution in their relationship is really their business.

Some women do not have that power, however-- emotionally or financially-- and those are the ones to be concerned about.

 

[PineBurrowPeeps]

No thanks. Yes, I would fall apart without my husband.
I don't handle the money at all in this house, I don't even have a drivers license (but that is not because of my marriage, I cannot drive for medical reasons).
I have always been 100% dependent on him. I have no interest whatsoever in being a modern feminist woman.
My husband has a large life insurance policy for this reason. If he died while I was still young and had dependant children I would hire people to do the things he did.
Frankly it doesn't bother me one bit that you are horrified at my thinking.
My grandmother was completely dependant on my Grandfather for everything. She never worked a day in her life, she didn't even cook or clean the house HE did.
She never learned to drive, she didn't do any of the grocery or other shopping for the home...
Now I think she was a little extreme. And a mean woman to be blunt. If I didn't have medical problems I would drive. I would love to be able to.

For me the bottom line is that he makes the money, the pays for the house/food/bills. Why shouldn't I ask him if I wanted to bring in another mouth for him to pay to feed?
It just makes sense to me.

Ultimately, when my grandfather died first from Lung Cancer, my grandmother went downhill very fast and died less than a year later. Without him she had no will to live. I think I would be very similar if I were elderly like they were and my children were grown.

My husbands grandparents are in their 90's. His Pepe is starting to look like he will go. Meme says she won't be far behind, she couldn't bear to walk the earth without him. What is so wrong with that?

 

[Rillion]

Quote:
Nothing at all-- that's how my paternal grandparents were as well. He died, and then she said the same thing and died two days later.

But I think it's possible to need your spouse, not feel complete without them, even be financially reliant on them and absolutely be a "modern feminist woman" at the same time. I even think it's possible to be modern feminist woman who submits to her husband, if that's what makes her happy-- that's the point, that it makes her happy.

The problem comes when the element of choice is taken away. When you're submitting because you feel like you have to, that it's the way things have to be even if you wish they were different or especially if you can't even conceive that they could be different. If that doesn't apply to you, then surprise! I'm not horrified by your thinking. I even consider you a modern feminist, so there.

 

[PineBurrowPeeps]

Rillion you crack me up!
I love how diverse we all are here on BYC.