What do I think of this man marrying my daughter?

[hencackle]

Is she getting married in a church? Is it a prerequisite to have counseling with the preacher/priest before he performs the ceremony? If not, it should be! Many times the clergy can spot relationships that are doomed to fail and try to persuade a couple to reconsider or refuse to marry them. My dh and his first fiance didn't make it through counseling. Luckily for dh, he broke up with her and he is sooooo thankful that he realized he was making a mistake before getting married.

Have you tried talking to your daughter, telling her in as calm a manner as you can muster, what concerns you have about her fiance? Write a letter to her if you must.

 

[bantam0907]

Im dealing with a similar situation... My sister is a compulsive liar and doesnt want any responsibilities. Yet she showed up at our house wearing a wedding dress and telling us that she met a guy that she has known for THREE WEEKS! No one has met him and she said that they put a down payment on a ring yesterday and for some reason she cant understand why no one is excited for her! and by the way she met him online not saying anything about relationships started online but shes only 19!!! and she lied on her online profile i know because i checked it out...

I dont know what i should do if i should talk to the boy and let him know what hes getting into? she dropped out of high school, moved to ohio to live with her last love of her life (who was 32), almost got sent to jail for grand theft, and then lied about when she moved back home! I dont know what to do and she expects me to be a bridesmaid! Im sorry to kind of burst in on your post but i agree as a mother you should be concerned and your daughter should listen to you at least hear you out... Good luck with this whole ordeal...

 

[terrilhb]

Thanks everyone. He is 28 and she is 25. They have only been dating 3 months. He has just started showing this side of himself. My son can not stand him. He says he is lazy at work and complains all the time. I am keeping my mouth shut. Because the last time my DH and I opened our mouths she was 18 and took off with a real loser. It was 6 years till she moved back home. I do have to say this guy is better than the one at 18. I sure do appreaciate all your advice. It is so nice to have somewhere to go to vent. My kids mean everything in the world to me. So I will just be here if she needs me. Thanks again.

 

[punk-a-doodle]

Unless this guy is someone who verbally or physically abuses her, it's time to step back and let her make her own mistakes, her own happiness, her own choices, and explore her own values. Be open and a quiet listener. Get her take on it through these means. One of the greatest joys of living life is the ability to make our own decisions, good or bad. It sounds like the worst that will happen is that the relationship won't make it and she will be all the wiser as to what she does want and need in life. Not a bad thing.

. Not always easy to watch either, so it's good you have found a way to vent.

 

[Rhett&SarahsMom]

All you can do is wait for her to come and tell you she needs to move back in because she is leaving him. And it will happen. Pretty much a guarantee.

 

[BrattishTaz]

Take her out to lunch and try having a conversation with her. Start with, "I want you to know I will support you in whatever you decide. I do feel I need to talk to you about the concerns I have about your relationship." Then calmly let her know what is bothering you. I would only address the big issues like the lack of employment. Tell her how hard it will be starting out with bad credit. If she is mature enough to get married, she should be mature enough to have an adult conversation with a parent.

Good luck.

I hope everything works out for the best.

Edited to add: She probably won't admit you are right but it will make her start thinking.

 

[saddina]

Well, to be fair, I married a man my mother loathed, but still 12 years later can't come up with a reason for her dislike. Truth is, she just hates any sort of change, and was unhappy with her life and all around miserable. Sure you can have concerns, but when it comes down to it, I didn't need my mother's permission to marry, nor did I care if she approved (I flatly told her I was getting married on the 18th, she could be there or not). On paper mr saddi may not have looked like a catch, but he had just finished school and had some ideas where to go next. What mattered to me was that I was loved and treated right, not how much he made (I still make more than he does, have 9/10ths of our marriage, suits us fine, as I loathe housework that he'll do cheerfully). So the real point is, does it work for them? Even if it's not what you have in mind for her?

 

[WickedNerd]

Quote:
Unfortunately, my experience is similar to booker81's. Married a real (insert non-family-friendly words here x 100). If my parents had said anything against him at the time, though, I probably would have balked. They were quiet about their misgivings. It took a real time for things to go south but when they did, my parents were there to support me.

For the record, they adore my BF now.

I hate saying it, because I have become such a negative Nancy about people getting married before they've had a real chance to establish their personal identity (which to me, seems to average out at age 25), but you have to let her acknowledge if he's bad or good for her, herself. Many churches and faiths require couples to take a marriage course before they get hitched. If that's an option, having them take such a course may be a real eye opener for her. If not, the best thing I suggest is to model what a good marriage looks like. Hopefully, she'll notice that there's a discrepancy in their relationship on her own.

 

[punk-a-doodle]

Well, to be fair, I married a man my mother loathed, but still 12 years later can't come up with a reason for her dislike. Truth is, she just hates any sort of change, and was unhappy with her life and all around miserable. Sure you can have concerns, but when it comes down to it, I didn't need my mother's permission to marry, nor did I care if she approved (I flatly told her I was getting married on the 18th, she could be there or not). On paper mr saddi may not have looked like a catch, but he had just finished school and had some ideas where to go next. What mattered to me was that I was loved and treated right, not how much he made (I still make more than he does, have 9/10ths of our marriage, suits us fine, as I loathe housework that he'll do cheerfully). So the real point is, does it work for them? Even if it's not what you have in mind for her?

Similar situation here. Eight years for us, and still feels just as wonderful as the day we met. I still get excited and smile during the day just thinking of him. My values are very different from those of my family. I had to do what I knew was right, not go by what they thought was right for me. Had it turned sour, still would have been happy that whatever mistakes were made were *my* mistakes and my life lessons. Hope that helps to hear.​

 

[ladyride]

However, from past experience of marrying a total loser and having it blow up in my face within a year, stay close to your daughter, don't push her away with constant complaining about him. Just be steady and try to be understanding.

When it does blow up, then make sure you're still there for her, non-judgmental, and can help her out we do have to let them make their own mistakes sadly it hurts them & us . But using this tack will keep her closer to you & let you continue with your relationship. Just remember you don't have to agree about him , but you do love her.