What do you do when you catch a friend cheating??

[Thomas423]

I have been cheated on before. No one told me but I had a women's instinct and did all I could to find out the truth.
Also, I firmly believe that everyone has the right to know what their partner is up to, especially with today's diseases and such.

With that said, telling her would depend on your level of friendship. My best friend and I have discussed that we would want the other to tell whatever knowledge they had. I have other friends that I feel it's not my place to tell unless they ask. You also mention that he is your husband's best friend. That friendship needs to be honored too. If it was me, I might say something to him because he needs to tell her or stop. Cheating is just wrong. It's hurtful and dangerous. But he is your husband's friend so maybe let your husband determine if you should say anything or not.

 

[Xtina]

I feel a lot better. I'm still not positive what will happen, but for one thing, you guys have convinced me not to do anything. I'll let my husband follow his instincts, and I wish those instincts were to talk to his friend about it. But if it's not, it's not.

Wouldn't it be great if this were all some practical joke being played on us?

 

[AK Michelle]

You knowledge is second hand and therefore meaningless. YOU have nothing to say.

The mutual friend who witnessed the situation needs to decide what to do in this case not you or your husband.

Being told is a double edge sword. Now you know the facts but you also know your friend knows so there is an uncomfortable association when you see that person.

A reminder to all, the ripple effect of dishonesty, It can change so many relationships in just a blink of an eye. Is it worth it?

 

[halo]

You best leave this alone, don't get involved. If he is indeed cheating (which no one knows for sure) and he's doing it in a public place, it will get back to his girlfriend sooner or later. You have nothing to gain by getting involved.

 

[Sequin]

I think your motive and sincerity would play a big part in things. Talk to someone if you feel you need to talk to them. But always season your words with graciousness and salt. For example, if someone told a friend of mine they had seen my DH out with another woman, and so then that friend came to me and said 'hey, I just wanted to share something with you that I heard. I understand that I am relaying this as second hand knowledge, but I only have your best interests at heart... " etc. If I were in your position, and I felt I needed to speak with the guy, I would tell him what I heard and what my concerns were. I would approach him kindly, and not accusing. Let him know you have everyone's best interests in mind, and that you value him as your husbands best friend. Then ask him to please do the right thing, and break up with girl #1 before he starts dating other girls, if that is what he wants to do. Let him know that you wanted to talk this over with him first, that you really want to talk with his girlfriend, but felt the two of you should talk first. Be calm, kind, and sincere; not accusing and judgmental. I am sure that How you talk is just as important, if not a little more so, than what you say. And let him know that if he doesn't either talk with her or break things off with her, you are planning on letting her know what so-n-so told you. Give him like a week. And then kindly discuss things with your friend. Again, using the utmost care and tact in what you say.

I have been cheated on, and I had already had a gut feeling before things came to light. Chances are, your friend has a gut feeling too. But it is only fair to give your husbands friend the opportunity to come clean and do the right thing. I can't really say if I would have wanted to know or not from an outside source. I am sure my friends would say things kindly, ... thinking about it, I would probably want them to tell me. Because if they knew, then chances are others know, and I wouldn't want to look like the dumb one. Good communication can always be a good thing. I hope things go well for you, and that everything gets resolved calmly, peaceably, and with kindness.

 

[duck walk]

I was cheated on and it ended in divorce...no one told me...I am glad they did not and it was between he and me and not all of our mutual relationships with friends...the cheater always gets "caught." I would be still and let the chips fall where they may...I am 64 and if I have learned one thing it is that people are responsible for their own behavior and I can not "fix" any of them...you enter dangerous and murky waters if and when you try to advise or "help" others with their problems...it seems that people have to touch the hot burner to discover that it is in fact hot even tho you are screaming at them, "it's hot and you are going to get burned!" STDs? You would have to be lving on Mars not to know about those, which again goes back to personal responsibility. Stay out of it...

 

[booker81]

I'd agree with most - stay out of it.

Since it's your hubby's best friend, he would be the only one to bring something to the "cheater". If hubby chooses not to, then wash it.

My ex cheated on me, heck, what DIDN'T he do. My friends and family knew he was a pile of poo from the day I met him, some tried to say something, but I had every excuse, and he was very good at lying when I ever did confront him. Because I believed him over the friends who tried to talk to me, it did damage some relationships.

Eventually, I got smart, the signs were so blatant it was a joke, and I divorced him. It did take time rebuild the hurt relationships of the friends I put after him and his lies. The ones that didn't say anything stuck by me and supported me, and of course had the "I knew he was poo" after all was said and done, but I appreciated them sticking by and not trying to set me straight, because I only would have been defensive to them as well. I just laugh now in amazement at how blind and dumb I was then.

Funny thing is that DH now was one of the friends who stuck by and never said bad about my ex, though apparently he hated him with a burning passion. That's one of his traits I still love - he knows when to ride things out, as he says, "It all comes out in the wash."

 

[Liana]

Quote:
^ This. ^

And I can say I agree with the above even though I have been cheated on. In fact, I was in a situation very similar to booker81. People tried to hint to me, and even tell me outright, but I blinded myself. I would definitely not have listened to anyone who came by their knowledge of the cheating second hand. All it would have done is strained the friendship.

 

[froggie71]

Quote:
Tough situation to be in. My DH and I did play a trick like this on my DH's best friend when we 1st got married. He walked into a bar (where his best friend worked) with 1 of my good friends ( I was waiting outside in the car). DH's BF took him aside and asked him what the H3LL he was doing. I was glad to know BF would say something to DH if this situation ever arised.

DH says it would not be his place to tell the girlfriend, but he would definitley say something to his BF.

 

[ranchhand]

Quote:
I think some posters are missing the fact that the OP did not see the alleged cheating. Someone else claims to have seen it.

Gossip is bad. Secondhand gossip is even worse.

I'd advise the OP and her DH stay out of it.