What should we do????

Discussion in 'Random Ramblings' started by chicknmania, Feb 19, 2008.

  1. chicknmania

    chicknmania Crowing

    Jan 26, 2007
    central Ohio
    OH, boy, thishas turned into a problem. My 17 year old daughter just broke up with her boyfriend of about 2.5 years. They have broken up briefly twice before, first time it was his idea; second time it was mutual, and, actually, she found out he hadn't exactly been faithful to her the secornd time. However both those times it was just a short period of time, then they were back together. Her boyfriend is a senior in high school and will be going away to college in the fall The college he chose has a reputation as a party school. My daughter has liked another boy for a while and decided to break up, in part, so she could date her new friend, and also just needs a break from her old boyfriend. He is devastated. He calls her constantly, crying and begging her to come back, says he loves her, and on and on. Last night he couldn't reach her, so he tried to call her on my office phone (my office is in the house), and also my son's cell. She called him back once yesterday, and came in to talk to me, crying herself, as she said he was crying and she just doesn't know what to do. Everything I suggest to her to say to him, or to do, she says she has already tried. He is very reserved and quiet, and so are his parents, although of course I know them, we are not very close. My DH and I are becoming concerned for a couple of reasons...it is distracting and stressful to our daughter and may affect her schoolwork, we don't want her to cave in to him cause she feels bad, and we are beginning to be very concerned about him,. I mean, I think he is pretty stable, just very controlling. We had a long weekend here due to the President's Day holiday, weather cancellations, and teacher's conference day, so there was nothing much to do for him for about five days. Normally he is very active in a number of sports, student council, band, choir, and a number of other school activities. This is a small school and small community and my daughter is also active in school sports and band. My question is...should I try to contact his parents to see if they can help in some way? I'm not sure what it might be, but it's distressing to do nothing. His mother is a teacher at the school here, his father a retired teacher, so always at home. They also attend the same church. Anyone else had experiences like this? I had a very emotional, controlling boyfriend when I was about her age. I ended up marrying him (a very short marriage) I think mainly just to get him off my back. I don't want my daughter to do the same thing. On the flip side, I want her to learn how to deal with relationships herself, as, of course, this will probably not be the only relationship problem she has in her life. Sorry so long...but help!!!
  2. hypnofrogstevie

    hypnofrogstevie chick magnet

    Jul 12, 2007
    Newton NJ
    I had a controlling ex g/f. If it was me I would have told him look she has someone else and you need to move on. or just plain block his number. last resort would be to change your # like I did. I know this sounds harsh but I guess this is what you have to do. She still IM's me on on yahoo. I just X it out and thats it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 19, 2008
  3. Kaneke

    Kaneke Songster

    the whole story is right in that one word: CONTROL

    your daughter was smart to break up with him

    give her all the love and support that you can, but tell her also, that SHE must be the one in control of her own life, that the boy in question needs to be in control of HIS life, not of hers, and that she is NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM NOR WHAT HE DOES (OR THREATENS TO DO)

    so often, those who want to control others ... are not very good at controlling themselves ...

    it is really up to her to decide what she wants to do, but if you want to emphasize the danger she is flirting with, have her read most any of Ann Rule's "true crime" books ....

    my opinion, contacting his parents may just add fuel to the fire; if you choose to change any phone numbers it would be a courtesy to tell them why, in the nicest possible fashion ... simply that your daughter has, for her own personal reasons, chosen to back away, to 'have her own space', since she is, after all, still only 17 and wants to experience more of life as she matures ...

    you might remind them, if they protest, that people do a lot of changing between 14 and 17, and that it is an appropriate time to explore much of the diversity of life ...

    am sure that will send the message, without offending them

    best of luck


    (who recently watched as granddaughter broke up, at age 21, with the boyfriend she had gone steady with since the age of 13 ! -- and I wonder how much she missed out on ... )
  4. miss_thenorth

    miss_thenorth Songster

    Dec 28, 2007
    SW Ont, Canada
    JMO--offer your daughter support, love ancouragement, but that is all. this is her battle and she needs to fight it. If it comes down to having to block the number-do it, but se has to learn how to handle this. Like I said--JMO
  5. WriterofWords

    WriterofWords Has Fainting Chickens

    Dec 25, 2007
    Chaparral, New Mexico
    If she gives in now he'll know he's got control. I had something similar with my niece while she was living me and I did eventually have to contact the young man's parents. At first they denied their son would ever call and harass her but the phone bill proved the many calls and the times and how close together they were.
    Make sure she is never alone where they might be in the same place, that way she has friends around her to offer her support. If she has any friends that are telling her to go back to him and look how much he loves her, she needs a break from them too.
    Be there for her, take her seriously, and I would strongly suggest asking for a mediation through a school counselor.
  6. SpottedCrow

    SpottedCrow Flock Goddess

    I agree with Candy on this...I'm a HUGE Anne Rule fan,btw

    He wants the control.

    I don't think he's as devastated as he might put on, only that he's managed to loose the control he had of your daughter...

    I would change the # or put a block on it...

    If he can't go without your DD for a whole five days, how is he gonna make it in college without her?

    Have you told her about your OWN experience? That might be able to give her a bit of perspective.
  7. chicknmania

    chicknmania Crowing

    Jan 26, 2007
    central Ohio
    Thanks everyone. Candy...OUCCChhh for your granddaughter...that is a LOOONNNG time! In our community it seems to be the thing among the school kids these days to have long, meaningful relationships..this is what they refer to as "dating "; if you just go out with a guy a few times, that isn't called anything. Spotted Crow, my daughter does know about my own experience. Since school has resumed again, things have quieted down and he hasn't been calling; don't think they have too much contact at school, except band, they both play the same instrument. Thank God it's not marching band season. Anyway, I appeciate all the feedback.
  8. seismic wonder2

    seismic wonder2 I got mad ninja skills

    Feb 3, 2007
    san diego ca
    What ever happened to "dating"?

    It would have never occured to me to have a "relationship" at 17. (Relationship= more than three or four dates in a row)

    I remember asking girls out for a movie, dance, dinner, or what ever, and if they were out with another guy next week, no big deal. It was DATING not MARRIAGE.

    The whole point was to have fun and share that fun with someone you like and enjoy being with.
    You also get the experiance to know how to gracefully deal with incompatable personalities on a date. I don't think I ever had a "date from hell" like the TV show, But I did learn that sometimes your date just irritates your last nerve AND that since you're not attached at the hip you both can still have a good time without making each other miserable.

    How are these kids going to learn anything about life and interracting with other people if, like the one person said, the "go steady" from the age of 13?

    But I'm 36 and I was told never to trust anybody over 30.

    That kid needs a life lesson and if he dosen't leave that girl alone and move on YOU SHOULD CALL THE POLICE and charge him with harassment ASAP! He could be a nutcase.
  9. Buff Hooligans

    Buff Hooligans Scrambled

    Jun 11, 2007
    Quote:I agree.
  10. jkcove08

    jkcove08 Songster

    Apr 12, 2007
    I would offer support but also watch her for any sudden changes. Times have changed so much over the years and it is truely hard to say what young people will do these days. It is a sad time when control is such a scarey issue. Suggest to her to be with friends and not to be lulled into going somewhere alone with this young man. Things probably are going to be just fine but a little ounce of prevention never hurt a sole. Jenn

BackYard Chickens is proudly sponsored by: