What to do about a close relative who invites themselves over?

[Paraclete 2]

WOW!!! You said your DH, and father asked he??? What about manning up and just telling her on no uncertain terms. Like my house, my home and your not invited!!!

This is a true story: I married my wife in 1964, her sister whom I had never met come up all the way from Florida, I picked her up at Seattle/Tacoma airport. She brought her little five lb dog with her and told me to carry the cage. I told her it's your dog carry it yourself. Hmmm. When we sat down for dinner that evening it was warm out and the front door was open with the screen door closed, her little five lb dog decided he would chase my cat and around and around they went, I waited to see if she would deal with her dog and saw that she had no intentions to. On about the fourth round I timed it perfectly and snatched her dog and without leaving my seat threw him right threw the screen door, she stood up and started to say something and I told her shut up and sit down or I would throw her out right behind him. Needless to say she packed called a Taxi and was gone within the hour. She told her sister (my wife) I'll see you again when you get rid of this b******. That was in 1965 She died last year and I'm still married to her sister. I don't like being unkind but me Casa is not su Casa. Get the point. Tell DH to man-up and deal with it.

 

[cw]

yea i agree complete honesty is the only way to handle close family

 

[desertgirl]

Suck it up this one last year, but secretly videotape her (and everyone's reactions to her). Show it to her afterwards. If this doesn't do it, nothing will.

 

[English Chick]

Ok.. chin up......

Firstly now that you have texted her and she has replied and now you are "worrying" about what will happen next... ring her .. calmly. Tell her everything that YOU feel about her behaviour, that her attitude to YOU and everyone else is really upsetting YOU ... explain that if she cannot be pleasant to YOU and the rest of your family, it will be inevitable that she willl not be invited over ever again... explain that it is YOU who invites people to YOUR home, they do not invite themselves irrespective of who they think they are...... tell her quite emphatically exactley what YOUR plans are... if she does not keep to YOUR wishes.... kick her to the kerb... alternatively.. want me to ring her? ...... I know exactly what your going through... now shoulders back... chin up... big girl underwear pulled up high... determination on the face.... now get in that ring and fight back.. stat.... YOU are and will be the winner.

 

[Mattemma]

I would tell her the truth.Like you said she won't talk to you again,and then you can enjoy the holidays.

I think the home should be a positive place,and we try to limit the negative attitudes,because they really do DRAIN you. I noticed that when I am angry or mad and I act that way or tell someone about it then those feelings pass on to them.I feel better and they feel worse.Not nice. Now I go work in the yard to get rid of those feelings rather than pass them on. Some people just get into a habit of being negative,and family puts up with it because they are family! My dd would be like this after school and we would joke that her negativity made a huge dark cloud hang over our house.

Best wishes for you AND your sister.Maybe your honestly can get her out of this funk and start enjoying life.

If people show up uninvited I am usually heading out the door and can not postpone to visit.Call me next time to set up a visit is my response.

I would not let her go to the movies.That is time for you,dh,and the kids.Like you said she can visit and when it is time to leave for the movies she needs to go home.You can always invite her to the movies another time,but ask that she respect this time you have set aside for your husband and children.

Best wishes whatever you decide.

 

[MissPrissy]

You may not like this but this is how I see what you have described (I have not read this entire thread):

By putting up with her behavior under the guise of being the family peace maker you have trained her all these years to treat you this way.

Now you have to choose either to keep up your current behavior or train her to treat you with a modicum of respect.

Don't lay all the blame on her. You have had a hand in the entire debacle.

If you want a change you have to step up, put your big girl panties on and demand courtesy and respect.

If you can't or won't take control and stop being the victim and being treated poorly then you can't very well complain about how you let her walk all over you.

You have to accept responsibility for your hand in this mess as well. Stop giving her the power to control you, your family gatherings, your holidays and your emotions.

I hope thing work out for the best for you all.

 

[Camelot Farms]

Rustys, here is a communication technique that I taught recently in a Healthy Relationships course.

What happened, How you felt and What you want. Not necessarily in that order.

Some examples:

When you sit there with your arms crossed glaring at me, I feel as though you are trying to intimidate me. I would like you to discuss the issue with me rather than use silent 'yelling'.

I feel hurt and angry when you refuse to attend the dinner on Christmas Eve that I am hosting. I would like to be able to have a nice visit with you and attend to my children on Christmas Day.


Use I statements, not You statements and just keep using them, even when she flips out.

Hope this helps a bit.

 

[bargain]

Good ideas, Miss Prissy and Camelot Farms and FIRST write it in disappearing ink on her paper napkin at the table and then when she tries to show someone else, it disappears and they think she's like a little crazy....

I crack myself up..... I think I'm going to do this for my SIL's christmas card.......Now I have to go to a magic store......The fun never ends....

 

[horsejody]

Quote:
You and me both. I can keep my house reasonably clean (OK, reasonably livable), host a holiday dinner or party, take care of all my animals, etc., etc.

My mantra is: People can only use you as a doormat if you lay down and let them.

Just tell the sister that dinner is at 6:00PM on Christmas Eve because you will not be home on Christmas. If she balks at this, smile and say, "Sorry, it means a lot to us to do it this way. The holidays have become too stressful so we are trying something different." If she complains, just repeat it. You owe her no further explanation. Let the grief be hers, not yours. You don't need an excuse to plan your day your way. She gets to plan her day, not yours. If Dad wants to go to the movie, take him. Let him plan his day too. He shouldn't have to be a sacrificial lamb to appease the beast. If he wants to spend the day with the pita, let him. If he wants sit in his underwear and watch TV alone in the peace and quiet all day, that's great too. If the sister gets all pouty and sits around stewing in her own juices all day, so what? If that's what she chooses to do, that's her choice and her problem. Don't let mean people keep you as an emotional hostage.

I repeat:

People can only use you as a doormat if you lay down and let them.

 

[Lunachick]

Boy, does this topic sound familiar to me!

Good luck rusty, I truly hope it works out for you.