What to do about a close relative who invites themselves over?

[Paraclete 2]

All this rational sounds great, but remember according to the poster, this is not a rational woman. You can't reason with the unreasonable. It's still true! Actions speak louder than words. Throw her threw the screen door! (So to speak). Good lord where is the man of the house? When I got married fifty years ago I promised to love and take care of my wife, as well as protect her, and yes from her own family, If need be.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

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Your house, you get to choose who comes and when. If you want her on Christmas Eve, but not Christmas, call her and say, "Sis, we're celebrating Christmas this year on Christmas Eve at X o'clock, and would love to have you here. We've already made other plans for Christmas and are not available to host you." Go for a long drive during the time she might come by, and make sure you lock the doors and don't leave any keys under the mat or atop the doorframe. Or go volunteer at a food pantry/soup kitchen where you efforts will be appreciated. Or head out for a well-earned vacation. Or ... If you are really concerned about an argument, call when you know she won;t be home and leave a message on hte answering machine.

If your dad lives in your house, then it is ultimately YOUR decision who visits, although he should be allowed most any visitor he so chooses. If you live in your dad's house, it is the opposite.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

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Ignore her when she is nasty--do not respond at all. Be gratious when she is nice or at least neutral.

Don't lecture her about reasonableness or responsibility, simply ignore her completely--as if she was not there at all.

 

[Indiana hens]

You should have trained her sooner. I can come by for cake and present also! I saw this on a show and you need to assert yourself as the pack leader. If they get out of line you jerk on their leash to correct them. Oh , sorry that was for dogs! LOL Maybe to late to swap her at the hospital. Trade-ins aren't much better. At our house chores usually clear the farm! Have any coops that need cleaning or goats to wash? Don't ask just say grab that and this is what u are doing with it! Good Luck with your Beta syndrome! signed "My house My Rules"

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

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Don't say anything about her behavior--when all is said and done, her behavior is her business, not yours. However, your REACTION to her behavior is yours, not hers. You cannot change someone else; you can only change yourself. In your case, you know the consequences of your past reactions. Consider reacting differently--it will throw her for a loop, and her behavior will be different. I cannot guarantee that it will be better, only that it will be different, and that will open opportunities for you to redefine the situation and the relationship.

A couple more comments. She is your elder sister by many years according to one of your earlier posts. Despite the fact that you are now both adults, she sees your comments about her behavior as disrespectful and impertinent. It does not matter whether they are or are not--that is the way she views them. Quite frankly, though, so do I. I do find her behavior boorish. If you don;t talk--trying to appease or correct her, then she is the one left standing (or sitting, as it were) by herself a shining beacon of bad behavior for everyone to see. When you respond, you join her, and she has someone with whom to share the blame.


As for the throwing the small dog through the screen door, and "carry your own stuff!" there certainly must be more to the story, but from what you said, those responses were beyond overkill--they were downright rude and mean-spirited. A gentleman OFFERS to help a woman, which included taking and carrying the dog at the airport before you had to be asked. With the dog chasing the cat, first you politely ask her to restrain her dog, if there is no response, THEN you take her dog and put him back into the carrier and say that the dog isn't allowed out of the carrier except when on a leash and being monitored for the remainder of the visit.

 

[PineappleMama]

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Honestly she has been like this my whole life. She is like that with everyone. When she is being nice, she is fun but it is always on her terms.

Are you sure you're talking about YOUR sister... not mine??? Don't suppose she's a middle child? My mom is, and so is my sister, so I always thought maybe that had something to do with it... ? *shrug* Best of luck with your holidays. I hope they are as drama-free as humanly possible and that you get that One Gift that just makes you glow because it was so thoughtful.

 

[deb1]

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This works with rational people, not the crazy ones. I went through something similar with my mom. None of what you suggested would work because she wanted to be unhappy and offended. She didn't want to fix the situation. I think that she enjoyed the melodrama and would create her own reasons to feel pity for herself.

Rusty, you should look up borderline personality disorder. I think that my mother might have had this disorder.

My mom finally cut contact with me. I laid down house rules. She was not to disrespect my home or give my children guilt trips. I told her that I was on to her games that caught people in catch-22s. No matter what the individual did, it was going to be wrong. I told her that if she acted inappropriately in my house then she couldn't return but that it was her choice. She never called me again and I can't say that I feel guilty. It was a weight off my shoulders.

 

[deb1]

Quote:
Honestly she has been like this my whole life. She is like that with everyone. When she is being nice, she is fun but it is always on her terms.

Are you sure you're talking about YOUR sister... not mine??? Don't suppose she's a middle child? My mom is, and so is my sister, so I always thought maybe that had something to do with it... ? *shrug* Best of luck with your holidays. I hope they are as drama-free as humanly possible and that you get that One Gift that just makes you glow because it was so thoughtful.

My sister is a middle child and she is one of the sweetest, funniest people that you will ever meet.

 

[Germaine_11.20]

Thank you for all the responses. All I can say is my sister is not rational when it comes to certain things. It is HER way or there is some form of intimidation.

She has been asked to leave grocery stores, escorted by the managers-several times.

She will follow me around the house, and yell and argue. I once locked myself in my room and she stood at the door and would not leave the house.

She will yell at the receptionists in her medical office about appointment times.

I have tried over the years to reason in many different ways. The only way she calms down is time. And when you have someone in your house and are trying to enjoy a dinner or party, time isn't on your side.
We do ignore her when she has her bad behaviour unless she is yelling. However it makes the evening miserable and uncomfortable for everyone.
She is old, alone and ill and can be mean and nasty. On the other hand, she can be generous, funny, and thoughtful.
I have begun to realize that she is really insecure and oversensitive and to combat that she attacks. I have also noticed that she knows who she can mess with and who she can't.
Yelling doesn't work with her, it justs makes her dig in more. So I guess silence or just leaving is what I will have to do depending on the situation.
I have appreciated and enjoyed and laughed at some of your ideas. It has helped me get a much better grip and lighten up. I am going to think positive! Thank you!

 

[deb1]

Rusty, my mother was very smiliar. Please tell me that young children aren't being exposed to your sister. Having grown up with a mom who I had to walk on egg shells around, I can assure you that little kids would be miserable with such an experience.

If your sister won't leave your house, then you need to call the police. I started to do this with my mom. She was turning her abuse on my children and I told her that I was arranging for her to return home on the next flight. She informed me that I couldn't make her leave. Um...yes I can. I started to call teh police. She assured me that she would leave, went into the kitchen to get one more cup of coffee, heated it in the microwave and dropped the boiling hot liquid on her foot. Sigh. I had to take her to the emergency room and then care for her for a few more days. Because she was getting constant attention, she was very pleasant. But the anger and resentment that I felt didn't go away. Being manipulated isn't pleasant.

If there are going to be young children in your household, then you need to protect them.