What to do? if anything.

[SarahFair]

I have many male friends. Mostly share them with my SO (as the group I ran with in high school were all males and he was a part of them).
I have kept in better communication with them over the years and hang out with them a lot more as well.
There is NO reason I would have problem one with SO coming along.

If shes got a problem with her husband going along it throws up a BIG red flag.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

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If he isn't already getting a return on his money, He is expecting one. Nobody does all of that just to be friends. Friends with benefits maybe.

He may simply be lonely and for whatever reason feel that he must purchase attention. He also may be at the beginning stages of dementia, and not really responsible for his actions.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

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How did she ALLOW it? People are not responsible for what OTHERS say or do. Did he disrespect her husband? Yes. Is it SIL's fault? No.

 

[darkmatter]

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Does this mean I have to "unfriend" all my facebook BYC female friends?

Yes, it does sound suspicious to me too, but each situation should be assessed for what it is or isn't. I don't worry about my Missus going to her quilt retreats and road trips and she has male friends which don't seem to be gay. (They never hit on me anyway)

 

[ladyride]

It is a no win situation on many levels. First brother needs to be talking to SIL after 23 yrs they should have better communication, but that could be the problem as well. They may or may not be really paying attention to each other until now when it has become so uncomfortable for brother to cope with. The kids are confused not doubt but this not something they can FIX. Not their place to fix.
The older gent spending money on gifts is looking to buy attention,affection granted he is lonely as well but you can't buy yourself into a new family. He may not feel like he is doing nothing wrong as everyone is accepting the gifts.
Everyone needs to take a long hard look at their values see what is is important to them. Counseling would not be bad idea so they can sort it out. Decide what is right or wrong for them, what can they continue to live with. Several family members stand to get bit in backside.
We all need friends of the opposite sex, we all have them , we all make choices as to where the relationship goes or doesn't go.
There is no easy answers to this situation because of the dynamics of the family involved & the outsider who is trying to become family.
Good luck with the situation.

 

[redhen]

It does sound like the guy is trying to be friends with the whole family....

 

[chickened]

I think she meant that by not defending my brother when the old guy said what he said was wrong on her part. My wife would not allow any of my friends to say that with out recourse. She should have honored my brothers request and relayed that to the old guy but I think her loyalty is in question here also.
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How did she ALLOW it? People are not responsible for what OTHERS say or do. Did he disrespect her husband? Yes. Is it SIL's fault? No.

 

[chickened]

I agree Red, he has been around the block several times. He has no communication with his own family and the wife he lost was his late in life wife and I have a feeling him marrying her contributed to the seperation from his own children. I was mistaken earlier in the OP they have been doing the gambling thing for 2 years and about the last 6 months he has been focusing on the SIL and she now goes and meets him instead of him coming over and visiting before they leave.

I do know my brother pretty well and he is definitly not the cheerful worryfree guy he was 10 years ago. She did something similar about 10 years ago when she would invite this guy over as a friend during the day when brother was at work and he was married also with a new baby. My brother then asked her point blank if she was cheating on him and she said no and the guy quit coming over. I still think she did something but I never said a thing about what I saw. I am not sure I will do the same this time.
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[Sonoran Silkies]

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How did she ALLOW it? People are not responsible for what OTHERS say or do. Did he disrespect her husband? Yes. Is it SIL's fault? No.


Quite frankly, it sounded like she was not even present during that conversation, therefore, how could she have defended her husband?

edited to add: I am not saying that what is going on is right. THere is too much unknown to form all the certain opinions that have been expressed, It could be any of many things. I will agree with those who have said to support your brother if he needs and asks, but to stay out of it.

 

[turney31]

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How did she ALLOW it? People are not responsible for what OTHERS say or do. Did he disrespect her husband? Yes. Is it SIL's fault? No.


Absolutely 100% correct. I would support my husbands wishes. If I don't agree we can discuss it in private, But that old friend would have been gone.