What would you do?

Discussion in 'Family Life - Stories, Pictures & Updates' started by Frosty, May 31, 2010.

  1. Frosty

    Frosty Chillin' With My Peeps

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    My DD is 21. After she graduated high school, she couldn't wait to get away from me because I was always angry. I was angry because I worked 10 - 14 hours a day, came home every day to a sink over flowing with dirty dishes that I had to do before fixing dinner, and the whole time the family was sitting in front of their computers. DD had her computer in the kitchen and would be sitting there with a headset on and giggling while I was working. Afterward, they all went to bed while I still had all of the critters to take care of and other things that needed done. DD would wash laundry (if she needed something washed) and cram 2 loads of clean laundry into one laundry basket where they would stay until I folded them. I tried telling the family that I was overwhelmed with it all, they still wouldn't help. So yes, I was angry.

    I told the kids while they were growing up that if they wanted to go to college, they would have to find a way to pay for it. I simply could not afford to send two kids to college. Over my objections, DH co-signed a loan for DD to go to college. She chose a college 4 hours away instead of the local university where she wouldn't have had to worry about rent. The first summer, she didn't want to come home so agreed to sublet a place from some guys that were going home for the summer. Problem was, she couldn't afford it, so without telling me, DH co-signed a personal loan for her. I never knew about that one until the bank called about the first missed payment. The next year, DH co-signed the college loan again, then in Dec she got booted from college for a low GPA. The extra curricular life was much more fun than doing the work. She got accepted the next year, DH co-signed again (telling me that 'it's the only way that she will get a college education'). In Dec, again booted for a low GPA. She regularly misses payments on the loans, and even though DH told her to tell him when she can't pay it, she never says a word. The bank calls instead, and by then we have late charges added on. I don't feel that she is being responsible at all. Now she got a second job, so should actually have some money. She sent in her loan payment, but the bank messed up some routing numbers and the money ended up back in her account. So she spent it. She convinced the bank to defer the payment 'since it was their fault', but even then she still over drew her checking account by the end of the month and got money from dad 'so that she can show the bank that she is responsible now'.

    Now here is where I have a question... my barn cats had kittens (spay/neuter is a work in progress). She has her cat out there, but now wants a kitten 'to keep her cat company'. I don't think she can afford the kitten (I won't go into the not responsible enough part). I told her that she can't afford it, and now she is mad at me and says that my 'lack of faith stings a lot'. My lack of faith has to do with the fact that just this year so far we have been stuck with close to $1000 in payments on her behalf. I just don't see how she would afford to have the kitten spayed and handle any emergencies that come up. When she took her cat from here, the cat was chunky and I told her to watch what the cat eats, she needed to lose weight. Now the cat is fatter than ever and I have tried telling her that the cat could end up diabetic. I told her to feed a canned food diet (they are low in carbs), but she said that she doesn't have time to open a can of food and scoop into the cats dish twice a day. I had a diabetic cat. It's expensive, and testing twice a day before insulin shots takes a lot more time than averting the problem earlier.

    Sorry for the long rant... my question is... would you give her the kitten?
     
  2. chickenlover54

    chickenlover54 Henely Hatchery

    May 20, 2009
    Northern Illinois
    I wouldn't even give her a stuffed toy kitten, and that DH has a mind of his own doesn't he? [​IMG]
     
  3. Frosty

    Frosty Chillin' With My Peeps

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    When it comes to DD... he gives her anything that she wants. I stripped her computer access to what you would give a pre-schooler when she was 17. Why would I do something so mean? Because like the 5th guy called here wanting to talk to her. Guys that she doesn't know, she gave out our number on-line to these guys. The first time I explained that she is endangering the whole family, she said she understood and wouldn't do it again. The second time she lied and said that it was the first guy visiting family in another state. Soon after, there were more so I took her access to stop it. Dad bought her a computer ('she'll need it for college') and gave her master privileges. But I know why he does that... He had a daughter from his first marriage, and he spoiled her, too. I told him that instead of constantly throwing money at her when she visited, he should spend time with her instead. As soon as she turned 18, she disappeared. We never heard from her again. He is afraid that DD will do the same thing. I keep trying to explain that if we have to buy the love, it isn't worth it.

    Then I was reading the rants about mom, and have to ask myself if that is how DD saw me. Just sad... in my case, DD never had time for me unless she wanted something. If she did any work around the house, it was because she wanted something and I never had to wait long to find out what it was. What happened to mothers and daughters being close? Or is it a myth?
     
  4. Mahonri

    Mahonri Urban Desert Chicken Enthusiast Premium Member

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    you and DH need to get on the same page. NOW.

    It will only get worse.
     
  5. chickenlover54

    chickenlover54 Henely Hatchery

    May 20, 2009
    Northern Illinois
    Quote:couldn't have said it better myself
     
  6. lengel

    lengel Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Quote:I don't think being close to a mother is a myth. But don't even think for a minute that you're one of the moms that are being ranted about. I couldn't even begin to describe my childhood. But I still try to maintain some kind of connection with my mom. And we do connect on some things. You care so you'll have a good relationship with your daughter at some point. Do talk to your husband though. In this day and age I don't know of anyone who can throw money around like that.
     
  7. Frosty

    Frosty Chillin' With My Peeps

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    I wish we could get on the same page... he claims that he understands, but when it comes down to it... I will say that he is getting better about it (he used to put more money into her account every time he saw that it was low), but I think he is finally to the point that he just pays the loans because it's his credit rating too and I think he has learned from all of this not to co-sign again - he gets mad when the bank calls and is actually letting her know that he is tired of it. I think that's progress!

    I just don't think that it would be good for the kitten to go there. DH is letting me tell her 'no', though... he likes to be the good guy. (sigh...)

    I am actually close to my mom. She was a stay at home mom when I was growing up, I used to love the time together helping her in the garden or other projects. She got a job when I was 15, so when I wasn't at school I was taking care of the family. After that my father treated me a lot nicer... might have had something to do with the fact that if he made me mad I either fixed everything that he hated for dinner, or fixed what he liked and burned it [​IMG] Made him a lot easier to live with!
     
  8. Dar

    Dar Overrun With Chickens

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    Once those loans are paid off I would not allow DH to touch another pen

    You and DH need to sit down and talk and get on the same page and fast things like this can end a marriage

    DD need to learn how bad it stings when they come and take your car because you did not make the payment. She needs to learn tough love!

    My son thought I was the meanest mom and could not wait to move out on his own... so @ 16 he moved out with friends (its legal in Ontario to move out @ 16). He bounced from friend to friend till he worn his welcome out. At 18 his G/F and him moved into a cute little apartment but low and behold he needed a co-signer. I would not do it cause I am a mean mom. He had to put up 3 months total for his initial deposit and no credit... 3rd month they are in this apartment he bounces a rent cheque. I made him work it out with the landlord for re-payment.

    He came to me last week and said thanks for being a bad mom cause it taught him that if he wants something in life he needs to work hard and save to be able to afford it. He is working a full time job, and a part time job, AND taking night school courses to finish his high school education and to start college in the fall.


    Stand your ground! she needs to learn to be responsible. DH needs to see he is not helping her... he is hurting her development into a productive responsible adult



    Oh and no cat/kitten till she can look after it herself and pay for it
     
    Last edited: May 31, 2010
  9. Mattemma

    Mattemma Overrun With Chickens

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    No pets for that child.How could she even be thinking about pets with all the debt she has created?Shameful on her part. And if dh did what yours did.It was well meaning and all,but would have been better off sending the child to a local technical school to learn a trade...nursing,vet tech...whatever. I would make dh work extra to pay that debt and not use the regular income to pay it down.
     
  10. redhen

    redhen Kiss My Grits... Premium Member

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    Your DH created a big problem....
     

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