What's UR Fav Poem, Saying, Quote, Riddle, Joke, Limerick, Song, ETC

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"Talking Centipede"

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner. "Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "really?" Says the man "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is £50. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.

On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.

An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.

An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says "I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting my shoes on!"
 
Quote:
LMAO!!!!
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Funniest T-Shirt Slogans


The Joy of Sex

* I Need Somebody Bad. Are You Somebody Bad?
* At My Age, Getting Lucky Is Finding My Car in the Parking Lot
* Remember When Sex Was Safe and Skydiving Was Dangerous?

The Battle of the Sexes

* Men Are Like Grapes. If You Stomp on Them and Keep Them in the Dark Long Enough, They Might Turn Into Something That You Would Take to Dinner
* My Wife Comes With Instructions -- Lots of Instructions
* He Rules the Roost -- But I Rule the Rooster
* (On the front) Randolph-Macon Woman's College (On the back) Not a Girls' School with No Men, but a Women's College with No Boys
* Never Go to Bed Mad. Stay Up and Fight

Parenting Pearls of Wisdom

* I Childproofed My House, But They Still Get In!
* We Got Rid of the Kids -- The Cat Was Allergic
* Got Pickles? (on a maternity shirt)
* Don't Worry, Mom -- It's Just a Phase
* You Spend the First Two Years of Their Lives Teaching Them to Walk and Talk -- and the Next 16 Telling Them to Sit Down and Shut Up

The Joy of Aging

* (On the front) 60 Is Not Old . . . (On the back) If You're a Tree
* I'm Still Hot -- It Just Comes in Flashes
* I'm Not 50 -- I'm $49.95 Plus Tax
* I Know I Came Into This Room for a Reason
* Fifty Is the Ultimate F-Word
* Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

Feeling Stressed?

* I Used to Have a Handle on Life, But It Broke
* Out of My Mind. Back in Five Minutes
* My Reality Check Just Bounced
* Cancel My Subscription -- I Don't Need Your Issues
* Dangerously Under-Medicated
* Madness Takes Its Toll -- Please Have Exact Change

No Pain, No Gain

* Every Time I Hear the Dirty Word 'Exercise' I Wash My Mouth Out With Chocolate
* Physically Pffffft!

It's One of Those Days

* Some Days You're the Pigeon, Some Days You're the Statue
* Earth Is the Insane Asylum for the Universe
* Life Is Short -- Make Fun of It

Travel Fun

* Buckle Up. It Makes It Harder for the Aliens to Snatch You From Your Car
* Hang Up and Drive
* I Took the Road Less Traveled, and Now Where the Heck Am I?
* Welcome to Tennessee -- Set Your Watch Back 20 Years

Good Advice

* Use Vowels Every Day or You'll Get Consonated
* Don't Hate Yourself in the Morning -- Sleep Till Noon

Ego-Boosters

* I'm Not a Snob. I'm Just Better Than You Are
* Live Your Life So That When You Die, the Preacher Will Not Have to Tell Lies at Your Funeral
* If You Think Nobody Cares, Try Missing a Couple of Payments

Pets Rule

* It's My Dog's World. I'm Just Here to Open Cans
* Cats Regard People As Warm-Blooded Furniture
* A Dog's Parents Never Visit

What's Your IQ?

* Suppose You Were an Idiot...And Suppose You Were a Member of Congress...But I Repeat Myself
* My Mind Works Like Lightning -- One Brilliant Flash and It's Gone
* God Must Love Stupid People -- He Made So Many
* I Have a Short Attention...

Making It Big In This World

* I'm Destined for Greatness -- I'm Just Pacing Myself
* I Was God's Gift to Women, But I Have Been Rewrapped and Placed on a Closet Shelf
* I've Gone to Find Myself. If I Get Back Before I've Found Me, Please Keep Me Here

Bless Me, Father

* Protons Have Mass! And I Didn't Even Know They Were Catholic
* Heck Is Where People Go Who Don't Believe in Gosh

Retirement

* Retirement -- Twice as Much Husband for Half as Much Money
* Before You Can Be Old and Wise, You Must First Be Young and Stupid
* Retired -- I Was Tired Yesterday and I'm Tired Again Today
* My Back Goes Out More Than I Do
* Retired -- Know It All and Got Plenty of Time to Tell You About It

Soem of these are really Pearls!!!
 
"Not Scared of Satan"

A few minutes before the services began, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon everyone exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years.

I almost peed myself reading this one!
 
NOTE: Nothing political here, just simple economics....

Our Tax System Explained: Bar Stool Economics

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten
comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would
go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do.
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the
arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. 'Since you are
all such good customers,' he said, 'I'm going to reduce the cost of your
daily beer by $20.' Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the
first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free.
But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they
divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'
They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that
from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end
up being paid to drink his beer.
So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill
by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each
should pay.

And so:
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to
drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare
their savings.
'I only got a dollar out of the $20,'declared the sixth man. He pointed to
the tenth man,' but he got $10!'
'Yeah, that's right,' exclaimed the fifth man. 'I only saved a dollar, too.

It's unfair that he got ten times more than I got' 'That's true!' shouted
the seventh man. 'Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The
wealthy get all the breaks!'
'Wait a minute,' yelled the first four men in unison. 'We didn't get
anything at all. The system exploits the poor!'
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks so the nine sat down
and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they
discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all
of them for even half of the bill!
And that, ladies and gentlemen, journalists and college professors, is how
our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most
benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being
wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start
drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics
University of Georgia

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

___________________________________________________

ETA: I've never, ever even tasted beer, wine, wine cooler etc...!!
 
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