Why can't you just be proud of me?

[Ridgerunner]

Families. You can't live with them and can't live without them, at least some members. Anybody want to swap sisters?

I don't know the family dynamics and personalities involved with you, your mother, and others. I don't have any miraculous advice that will help you. Different people are obviously different. For many people, your job defines who you are. For others, it might be what you have right now, who you know, or something else entirely. I don't know what drives your mom to do that. It could be many different things. Maybe she wants to be able to brag to friends about your job, maybe she is living her life through you, maybe she is very controlling, maybe she has had bad experiences and wants what she thinks will give you more happiness, security or prestige, maybe something else entirely. You'll have to work that out on your own.

Main resason for me to post. My dad had prostrate cancer. 4 pills, one every three months, and he was cured. No surgery required for him. Prostrate cancer is not what killed him. It is obviously a danger, but how much of a danger is the real question. Hopefully it was caught early enough to be easily treatable and obviously it can be scary for him and you. You certainly don't want to break ties or upset him now. Otherwise, I'd say Mahonri's advice was not good enough. After you mention the triplets and just before you lose connection and unplug or turn off your phone, you mention that the doctor is more worried about your drug addiction effects on them than the VD.

 

[CoopCrazy]

Oh honey i feel you..

I am 28 have a decent full time management position, have never been arrested, nevr been in any real trouble, have had a full time job since I was 11, am raising two children by myself that arent even mine, and recently moved back home to help THEM (my parents)out on bills.. My mother never thinks I do or make enough.. She undermines me around my children, constantly rides me about money (even though its HER spending that caused me to need to move in to help them), and invariably finds something wrong that one or more of my animals are doing... Oh and bTW I do ALL the cleaning, cooking , laundry and most fo the outside work....

With all that said , I DO understand that she just wants whats best for me and she is just trying to keep me on the right path...

 

[rancher hicks]

Quote:


Sorry it' seems to me there is plenty of drama, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here. As a parent my advice is to get counseling and find out why you feel you need your mothers validation as to the worth of you life. Right now I have the same thing going on with a close relative. The sooner you find out why you need to win your mothers approval the sooner you can let go and get on with your life, worry free of what she or anyone else thinks.

For all the wonderful things you say about yourself, you are still not happy and that's what you need to find out. The dialogue high lighted needs to be said to mom, not here. A lot of us have people such as your mom in our lives. Sometimes it takes counseling to get free of this baggage that can beset us. And here's a news flash, don't be surprised if mom is never happy your so independent, but that doesn't mean you can't be.

It's time to declare your independence. A counselor can help you make that move, cuz as long as your looking for validation as to the value of your life from mom you aren't.

Another news flash for readers of my comments. Sometimes the person whose approval we're seeking is our spouse. It doesn't have to be that way. They just aren't capable of sharing your accomplishments nor encouraging your dreams. I've got my college degree anyhow.

Counseling can help.

Wishing you all well

Rancher

 

[SillyChicken]

Change the subject. Learn to direct the conversations away from yourself. Just tell her politly that you know she has your best interests at heart, but you'd rather talk about how they're doing today. Keep it positive, they'll come around eventually! LOL!

 

[teach1rusl]

Mom: So are you thinking about finding another job? (first of all, it took me 11 long months to find this one I don't know why I should be in any big hurry to leave it, but I do understand that I probably won't be delivering pizza for my entire working career)
Me: I was thinking about going to school to be an EMT or something, work on ambulences helping people.
Mom: Why would you want to do that??? They don't make enough money for what they do.

Stick with that Tala!! I tell my son to find a job that he will ENJOY (that will pay the bills of course), not a job based on earning a lot. Many people don't retire until they're 70ish these days. Keeping up with the Jones' is not worth spending 30, 40, or 50 years in a line of work that you don't get satisfaction from. Also know that, even though your mom doesn't say it, she is most likely quite proud of you. Some people just aren't demonstrative with words of pride/affection.

 

[lockedhearts]

Sometimes parents, especially Mother's have a hard time letting their children grow up. I went through this with my Mom, I have the best parents, always there for me. I have had to lean on them over the years, I have had to borrow money a time or two. But I also have great parents. Several years ago, when I was trying to grow up, be independent and get my life together, I finally had to tell my mom to let me grow up and let me make my mistakes. I am not saying this will work for everyone, but in my case, my standing up and telling her how I felt, got her to realize that while I may need her sometimes, it was time to let me grow up. This also caused her to learn to accept me for who I am, she is now proud of me and what I do and how I live my life.
Try to see it from her side to, her baby is growing up and she is feeling like she is not needed any longer. Sometimes when the children grow up, the parents it takes the parents a little bit to grow up as well.

 

[chrisf]

I wish my Mom was still around to tell me what she thinks I'm doing wrong.................

 

[fratermus]

Quote:
One possible way out of this particular prison* is to release oneself from the desire that mom/parents be proud at all. When that is gone, those parental strings pull on nothing. Empty air. It has no effect. It may even become mildly amusing to watch the attempts.

If someone wanted to handle it this way they could think of the parent(s) as someone in line at the grocery store. If that person said something about your life choice would it have any real pull on you? Or would you discard it, let it fly by and land elsewhere? If you met your parent(s) now for the first time at a dinner party or event would you choose to spend time with them again? What kind of people are they?

Parental manipulation and overcontrol is bonsai childraising: trim and prune mercilessly, wire it to metal bars to keep it in the pot where you want it.

Thought experiment: if your Significant Other was treating you this way would your trusted friends encourage you to deepen the relationship or cull it?

Thought experiment: if the OP were, G_d forbid, suffering physical abuse rather than what was posted here would we still be encouraging the OP to maintain the relationship, continue to take it, try to see it from their side, and remember that they only want what's best for you?




FraterMus,
thinking out loud

* assuming one wants a way out.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:

It is only a battle if you choose to let it become one. Come up with a few stock phrases about how you love your job; how much you enjoy _____ (something else in your life; switch it around). Occasionally give them something that you don't MIND them worrying over--a crummy neighbor, a car that needs repair, or even positive things like vacation plans--whether to go to ____ or _____. Let them have at it--they can research it all for you and when you get the report, say "OH! that sounds interesting" even if it was something they thought negative. Rather than letting them tell you who you are, YOU tell them.

 

[WriterofWords]

Sometimes it's hard to get through to our kids that we are very proud of them.