will I survive raising my 16 year old daughter...

[cassie]

This isn't going to make you feel any better. But the teenage brain is incapable of understanding consequences. And in reality, the world is no less safe now than it has been. It is just that we are so bombarded with the news and awful things that happen that we get to thinking it is the norm. And it is not. Awful things have always happened. We just didn't hear so much about them. Think back to when you were a kid and remember some of the stuff you did. It is amazing that any of us grew up.

 

[hearthnsoul]

That is a great way to go but, in my case someone else is always there to pick them up(her dad aunt ect)

and there the real trouble lay. My husband and I Have been down this road. When I would try and put my foot down, he would tell me I was being too hard on her. As her mother I knew she was going places that her two older siblings hadn't dared. Also as a mother, right from toddler, I knew we would have problems similar to what we had because she seemed to not have the same sense as the others. I can tell you it all began with sneaking out and not being where she was supposed to be when she was supposed to be somewhere. I would ground her and her father would guilt me into letting her go somewhere. She was hanging out with people I did not like, and when I would put my foot down she would guilt me into feeling too judgmental. I am the type who likes peace above all else, and because of this I would usually give in. Now I wish I had sat on her right from the first signs. I hear the same thing from her all the time, I can make my own decisions and let me say her decisions have caused pain like you would not believe.
Everyone around me now who interfered sees how wrong they were and they say we are so sorry, wish there was something we could do to help. If nothing else, sit all the helpful people down and let them know where this road is going to go, also don't let your daughter know that their is a division of insight into how to handle her behavior either,..my daughter got very good at turning the attention from her behavior to my husband and I's disagreement on how to handle issues.
All kids go through their rebellion on different levels. My two oldest went mad from 14-15 and somewhere around 18 took their heads out of their hinneys and became rational, well somewhat, human beings,..the difference being, I was stronger with them, I gave less liberties with them, I sat on them and nipped the smaller factors in the bud.
Again I am so sorry you are going through this, it's hard to be hard, it's hard to watch them fall, but in the end there is a short period of time that what we do makes the difference in the end on how they come to understand the repurcussions for their actions. This same daughter actually said to me a few weeks back, why weren't you harder on me??? and this is still with her in the midst of her bad behavior and my trying to talk some sense into her.​

 

[hearthnsoul]

Quote:
I have thought about this. When i was 10 my friends and I would take the trains into fenway and watch the sox...10! We would go swimming at the municipal buildings after riding buses,..sure we hid smokes in a rock and puffed our eyeballs out,..stole penny candy,...brought inappropriate things to class and had the nuns pull our hair, snuck out, feigned sleepovers. It seems true that the world is no different because there have always been bad people, kids testing boundaries, but I think the theory lays flat. I live on cape cod a seemingly innocent place, but the truth is the world is not the same. Turn on the tv and there is nothing but violence, kids have video games, have you seen what they are simulating??? The brain can not truly comprehend at that age the difference between direct experience and what the eyes are viewing. If your child is shooting zombies or stealing cars on a video game and fighting in street gangs, it honestly still is something they are expereincing. By the way, I don't allow my children to buy such videos but I have found them in my house borrowed from friends, and of course they do go over their friends houses and guess what they are playing? Turn the tv on,..when exactly is family tv anymore? Seems I can't put a show on without there being some suggestion of sex, oh come on it's beyond a suggestion,..and that's just the commericals,...even what about raymond would have things on it I don't want my young ones exposed to and I for the most part loved that show. Also when I grew up I wouldn't know where to get a gun, seems it's an easy task to be had nowadays. And with that, look at the role models out there, no wonder girls choose so poorly their crushes and boys go so wrong in creating their image,...I mean they are supposed to idealize gang bangers, trash mouths, drugs addicts and pedaphiles ugh! As well when i was a child, I surely wouldn't have a clue how to get my hands on the types of drugs out there now,..further yet today who needs a drug dealer,...drugs can be had easily from their friends whose doctors are prescribing them away to them. Think about that, how many children were on psychotropics when you went to middle school.? I actually polled my teens and the majority of their friends are on some meds be it ridilin, celexa, adderral.... It seems a trend that the schools are becoming psychiatrist and small children have adhd, hit about twelve and suddenly they have depression, and then they move on to bipolar. It's insanity. Don't get me wrong, i am not saying that these conditions don't exist, just not in everyone!
My second to youngest son doesn't do so great in school, and they started the adhd thing, I brought him to the doc, and the pediatrician told me, that he personally had adhd,..and his wife did too, and then he proceeded to tell me that he thought all his wives friends had it as well. I said to him, maybe no one has it and the current stress of the world is moving at a pace too difficult for the human emotional mind to keep up with? He said well yeah that too. My goodness no wonder they are handing out drugs like candy. By the way I looked at the parental questionaire for adhd and it basically diagnosed childhood. I didn't realize that was a disease.
Also the major shocking crimes we see like columbine and even that original guy who went "postal" guess what they were all on at the time? yeppers prescribed antipsychotics. Speaking of that do you realize how many adults are on antidepressants,..driving around, teaching your children, making major decisions about the state of our economy. If someone is truly depressed then yes let's get some help,..the truth is antidepressants are becoming a way to cope with the world in place of actually creating some coping skills. My mom is a nurse and I asked her once if she sees patients charts before surgery. She said of course. I said Mom how many of these people are on antidepressants, bipolar meds and so on? She said honey the better questions would be how many aren't and those are few and far between. The list of meds I get for people coming in for surgery often looks like grocery lists.
Oh crap, ok I am sorry huge rant here. I hope I haven't offended anyone.
By the way five children, no medications...ever! Still married from the very beginning,...apparently an anomally I am told from the schools. No meds for me or hubby and my now 14 year old when he turned 13 said yay now I can watch pG movies,..of course I said not so fast baby Also, that same child who did not so good at school, and they tried to go the adhd route, then went to trying to say he had an executive functioning disorder,( that;s the new trendy diagnosis)..well it seemed to cure itself when we sent him to the tech, his grades went from the toilet to something I am proud of...it really makes you go hmmmm.

 

[Wifezilla]

She tells me I'm not 12 anymore Mum, I can do what I want

Time for a SERIOUS reality check. Until she is in her own home, paying for her own food, utilities, insurance, etc... she is a dependent CHILD. Tell her she will be treated like a grown-up when she acts like a grown-up.

Make her earn any extra spending money she wants. That's how grown-ups do it

 

[hikerchick]

I don't get why people feel it is ok to take medication for say, diabetes, or a heart condition but if you have a chemical imbalance in your brain you are supposed to learn to cope with it without medication.

I think it is just wrong to withhold medication from a child that needs it. If it were a physical condition you could be charged with abuse; but since it is a mental illness, it is ok to decide that you don't believe in medication.


That is just plain wrong, no way around it.

 

[chixie]

Quote:
my daughter is on meds for adhd... has been for a long time... tried several times to get her off of it.. but always had to put her back on... I hope one day she won't need it anymore

 

[chixie]

my dh was calling and checking in and he would make suprise visits... he didn't this time because she was at her cousins house and assumed my cousins ex wife would have let me know that she left from there or not let her leave with kids ... she will no longer be going over there ....

 

[Chickenmaven]

DH & I are committed to presenting a united front with our 15 y.o. & 17 y.o. When they try the classic divide & conquere, we pull together. Once, one child challenged me, asking why I was taking dad's side (?). This was when I didn't exactly agree with DH... Anyway, I told my child that DH is my partner & our children are OUR project.

I do alot of monitoring and I hold alot of get-togethers at our home. I also have decided that it is not my job to be "liked" by my kids, although I must say that we ARE good friends.

 

[hearthnsoul]

Quote:
Please reread my post, I said clearly that I did not say these conditions did not exist, they just do not exist in everybody. The condition is overdiagnosed, and medication is handed out too easily. My son could be on those medication because his grades were below average,..and yet when I opted to switch schools suddenly my son is doing great, is all I was saying.
Please do not take offense to what I am saying. My sister was on the first wave of adhd diagnosis, and physically and mentally the medications she was placed on have wreaked havoc on her now adult body. It wasn't fair what was done to her.
please don';t misunderstand what I have said. If someone has a verifiable mental condition, or chemical imbalance wonderful,..let's treat it! If a questionaire that basically diagnoses childhood as a disease and a school systems education plan that is failing our children is the reason, we need to rethink things.

 

[Rolsjo]

Quote:
Please reread my post, I said clearly that I did not say these conditions did not exist, they just do not exist in everybody. The condition is overdiagnosed, and medication is handed out too easily. My son could be on those medication because his grades were below average,..and yet when I opted to switch schools suddenly my son is doing great, is all I was saying.
Please do not take offense to what I am saying. My sister was on the first wave of adhd diagnosis, and physically and mentally the medications she was placed on have wreaked havoc on her now adult body. It wasn't fair what was done to her.
please don';t misunderstand what I have said. If someone has a verifiable mental condition, or chemical imbalance wonderful,..let's treat it! If a questionaire that basically diagnoses childhood as a disease and a school systems education plan that is failing our children is the reason, we need to rethink things.

Well said. I personally don't believe that every person that is diagnosed with add/adhd has this. My brother, many years ago mind you, was diagnosed by a school social worker with add and they wanted to medicate him. My parents refused and later, once he was able to vocalize his feelings, found out that his problems in school were based on frustration with the pace of the class. He is highly intelligent and needed to be in a more advanced academic track. I tutored him in math for years and realized his biggest problem was simple addition/subtraction errors because his brain moved faster than his hand could write. He learned to be more careful and he is now in law school.

I believe that there is a legitimate condition called adhd, but I also believe that it is much more complex and should be not be hastily diagnosed.