Daughter broke up with boyfriend and I'm the one depressed!

[Mommad.77]

I know exactly what you mean abt the sick feeling in your stomach. I get the same thing.
It seems unatural to miss them so much. I get that he lived you you sometimes so I can understand how you miss his presence and him being there and the friendship you shared with him. I know we need to remember our daughters feelings as well. I think they feel betrayed because we want them to take their exes back and they dont want to. I am not sure what my daughter is thinking. We used to talk all the time and him and abt everything and seems we are pretty quiet around eachother now. She is a junior in HS and she works and has a busy social life so she isnt home that much. I know there is a boy that has been just hanging around waiting for her to be free and I am so annoyed abt it. I dont want her to date him because I feel he is part of the reason why they broke up, but I know she probably will anyway...I dont want anything to do with him which is unfair because I am sure he is a nice kid as well
I just want things to be back the way they were before the breakup.
I am trying to do things to keep busy and hoping in time this will all feel ok and I can move on. I dont think my daughter will get back with him...she is stubborn and will probably never admit she made a mistake and should have given him a chance. Maybe your daughter will give him another chance but in the meantime try to be supportive to her and also try and keep yourself busy. I know that is easier said than done. Most days I just want to crawl into bed and stay there but we have to keep going somehow.

 

[drumstick diva]

I hope this doesn't sound disrespectful. But reading through your posts Chicken Little & Mommad, I think you both grew to really like the boyfriends - I don't mean in bad way but, maybe your daughters don't feel as strongly about them as you do.

To you maybe they seem like ideal husband material and hopefully have grandchildren soon. I have a son, who isn't finding anyone who he would want to marry. Although he has long hoped he would be married and have a family started. He is 32, I am 70. Of course I worry that I won't live long enough to see any of that happen.

In high school he had quite a crush on a girl that didn't treat him well. He asked her to the homecoming dance and she told him she didn't intend to go BUT, insisted that he go and have a good time. Well as soon as he walked in(alone) he saw her with his best friend. He was just crushed and of course I was furious with her for being a mama dog.

I know I took it too hard personally because she really hurt my son, and he was naive enough not to realize women can be as rotten to the opposite sex, as men are to them.
It would have been bad enough that she was with his best friend. But to insist he go to the dance was really diabolical. That witch wanted to really, really hurt him. Just because she could.

Our situations are reversed because you both have daughters and I have a son but , I think mom's feel everything more than their kids do. We have scenarios playing in our mind about how their lives should turn out, what kind of person they should marry, etc.
I think we have to remember our kids have their own mind and don't necessarily want the kind of person we wish for them. I know we all need and lots of them.

 

[Mommad.77]

I hope this doesn't sound disrespectful. But reading through your posts Chicken Little & Mommad, I think you both grew to really like the boyfriends - I don't mean in bad way but, maybe your daughters don't feel as strongly about them as you do.

To you maybe they seem like ideal husband material and hopefully have grandchildren soon. I have a son, who isn't finding anyone who he would want to marry. Although he has long hoped he would be married and have a family started. He is 32, I am 70. Of course I worry that I won't live long enough to see any of that happen.

In high school he had quite a crush on a girl that didn't treat him well. He asked her to the homecoming dance and she told him she didn't intend to go BUT, insisted that he go and have a good time. Well as soon as he walked in(alone) he saw her with his best friend. He was just crushed and of course I was furious with her for being a mama dog.

I know I took it too hard personally because she really hurt my son, and he was naive enough not to realize women can be as rotten to the opposite sex, as men are to them.
It would have been bad enough that she was with his best friend. But to insist he go to the dance was really diabolical. That witch wanted to really, really hurt him. Just because she could.

Our situations are reversed because you both have daughters and I have a son but , I think mom's feel everything more than their kids do. We have scenarios playing in our mind about how their lives should turn out, what kind of person they should marry, etc.
I think we have to remember our kids have their own mind and don't necessarily want the kind of person we wish for them. I know we all need and lots of them.

 

[Mommad.77]

Hi Drumstick Diva,

Thank you so much for your post. Sometimes i guess we need to hear things from others point of view. I am sorry your son has not found someone that he can share a future with. I believe there are still mostly good people in this world and if he keeps looking he will find someone that is right for him. I am also sorry that he had that experience in school. I am not sure why people feel the need to hurt others for their own pleasure. I know that is something that has stayed with both of you for a long time. Is your son dating anyone now? Where does he meet women? Church? Dating sites? I am sure you worry and would love to see him settle down with someone who deserves him.
My daughter is only 17 so i am in no rush for her to be tied down. There was just something special abt this young man. I am sad without him around. I knew when my daughter was with him i didn't have to worry...but then again he did hurt her and i never thought he would. He is home from college now and i can see the heartbreak in his eyes but he should have known better. My daughter is kind and forgiving but this was her first love and he hurt her. I am proud of her for standing up for herself and not taking any crap but i know she is scared and has all these emotions she is holding in.
You are right, as moms we feel every emotion our kids do.
I am sending you a hug as well.
Let me know how things go with your son and dont forget to take care of yourself as well.

 

[blbnker]

DramaMama42, you sound like a wonderful, loving parent dealing with a difficult disease. I haven't been on this forum for a while but long story short, I have 1 son (32) who dated a girl (36) for 4 years. They lived with us for almost 2 years. She is bi-polar and I have learned a lot about the issue. My son also had some problems years ago with pain pills but has been clean for 5 years. I love this girl like a daughter and was crushed when they broke up initially. They have been on and off for the last 2 years and have finally (I think) ended the relationship. I finally realized that one of the reasons I was devastated originally was because I felt he was "safe" with her and that if he were to ever relapse she would tell me. Your daughters BF probably gave you a sense of normalcy and safeness and your world has been knocked out from under you. You are worried about her and him. It's so hard to see the people you love suffer and have no control. I know that was how I felt-totally out of control. I have always been a crier, it runs in my family LOL, and the antidepressant really helps me think clearer and not take their "issues" so personally. My quality of life has definitely improved in general since I started taking the medication.

One of the things I've learned from living with her is that alcohol makes her crazy. Sober she still has mood swings but when she drinks she is out of control. In the beginning of the relationship it was really bad because the stress contributed to her disorder. Over the last 2 years she has gone to therapy and changed medication and is doing much better. The damage from the first 2 years just couldn't be undone and my son could not trust her not to hurt him. Which I get.

I think one of the reasons she listens and respects me is because I am NOT her mother. So maybe your mom or some other mature adult can guide her to a more productive solution. But in the meantime please take care and don't be too hard on yourself. I always think that until my son has kids of his own he won't understand what we go through!
I've come to trust myself and as long as the choices I make are made with love, I can't worry about whether I will make him mad. I am almost assured that weekly I will say or do something that rubs him the wrong way! LOL

I truly hope this works out for your sake, your family, the BF and especially your daughter. I'll be thinking about you.

 

[Hyroler]

This forum seems to have such wonderful loving mothers and it hurts me to here how sad or upset there child's lovelives have made them.The truth is that's life .Mothers can't chose who there daughters love.They can only accept and support the choices there daughters make.

 

[Coffeeluvr]

Hi - I also have not posted anything for about a year. My daughter and her ex were together all throughout high school, but their relationship was really more like a college or early adult type. It was sort of a mutual break up, but she really broke his heart and I was angry with her for her disrespectful behavior
Fast forward 3 years and things are much better.
They kept in touch and have spoken every few months (after a year of minimal to no contact). You can read my old posts in more detail.
Last summer, while he was still in a relationship with his girlfriend, he visited us - made a point to even though he was only in town for 1 day. My daughter controlled her nervousness, and he didn't know she'd be there. He was visibly a litttle shaken when she hugged him. It had been over 2 years since they had seen each other ( unless you count FaceTime)
He broke up with his girlfriend a few weeks later.
My daughter was in a relationship afterwards, and she told him all about it - while she was in the relationship. They met up briefly at Christmas. He hasn't found a girl to commit to you again, and he's relayed his stories about the girls he has been with to my daughter.
She called him after her heart was broken, and he supported her through a very rough time. She speaks about him more positively now.
This whole experience changed me. I gained compassion for what others may be going through and to be thankful for any positive moment that occur in my day.
On my best days I am appreciative that my daughter had and has someone who knows her 100% and loves her for who she is (his recent quote). He's taught me by his example to grab onto life and be more adventurous. I take better care of myself, in part, so he and the rest of my family will be proud of me.
On my worst days- I get irritated and impatient for them (especially my daughter) to admit that they make a great team together. And then I remind myself that they will take care of it themselves if it's right and when it's time.
My advice- try to control any anger and don't push your daughter. It just makes them want to prove you wrong.
I won't lie- every single day was awful until we reconnected with him 14 months after their breakup. But I learned a ton about myself and learned to appreciate the little stuff
Coffeeluvr

 

[Enlightenmemom]

Hi - I also have not posted anything for about a year. My daughter and her ex were together all throughout high school, but their relationship was really more like a college or early adult type. It was sort of a mutual break up, but she really broke his heart and I was angry with her for her disrespectful behavior
Fast forward 3 years and things are much better.
They kept in touch and have spoken every few months (after a year of minimal to no contact). You can read my old posts in more detail.
Last summer, while he was still in a relationship with his girlfriend, he visited us - made a point to even though he was only in town for 1 day. My daughter controlled her nervousness, and he didn't know she'd be there. He was visibly a litttle shaken when she hugged him. It had been over 2 years since they had seen each other ( unless you count FaceTime)
He broke up with his girlfriend a few weeks later.
My daughter was in a relationship afterwards, and she told him all about it - while she was in the relationship. They met up briefly at Christmas. He hasn't found a girl to commit to you again, and he's relayed his stories about the girls he has been with to my daughter.
She called him after her heart was broken, and he supported her through a very rough time. She speaks about him more positively now.
This whole experience changed me. I gained compassion for what others may be going through and to be thankful for any positive moment that occur in my day.
On my best days I am appreciative that my daughter had and has someone who knows her 100% and loves her for who she is (his recent quote). He's taught me by his example to grab onto life and be more adventurous. I take better care of myself, in part, so he and the rest of my family will be proud of me.
On my worst days- I get irritated and impatient for them (especially my daughter) to admit

 

[Enlightenmemom]

I am thankful I came across this when I ran a search. It has been most helpful.

I was incredibly heartbroken when my daughter broke up with her boyfriend 3 days ago. I have cried as though a relative died. To make matters worse he isn’t taking the breakup well either.

They are both 20, and have been dating for the past 4 years. He joined the military last year and is stationed over a thousand miles away. They love each other very much and were even talking marriage after she is done with college.

Unfortunately the distance has taken its toll and my daughter feels going so much time without seeing is making her unhappy. In one year they have spent a total of 2 week together physically. She also feels they are maturing into different individuals. Their interests and values have changed a lot. Shes not a huge fan of body art and he has gotten 6 new artwork placed in him since he joined. She has learned a lot in the past year about where she stands with current issues in our country and they are polar opposites to his. She’s also determined she doesn’t want to get married so young and put her career on hold in order to follow him wherever he is stationed. She’d like to hit the ground running when she graduates. His dream is to marry her as soon as he can, bring her to his duty station and raise a family.

He is trying to convince her to take him back. It breaks my heart because she’s the type once she has made a final decision she follows through. He’s such a mature kind young man and my husband and I thought wow she met her prince without having to kiss a lot of toads. He would do anything for her. Even said had he known the distance would tear them apart he would’ve stayed and gone to community college and gotten a job just not to lose her.

She wants to concentrate on her studies and enjoying college and working. She told him she loves him but it’s not fair for both of them to wait 5 more years and literally spend at most 4 weeks of each year together. She also thinks he may find someone who shares his same interests more than she does.

Although she is right and made a very mature decision it still makes my heart break. Even more to hear he’s heartbroken.

 

[Enlightenmemom]

Gosh why am I so sad ?