Daughter broke up with boyfriend and I'm the one depressed!

[skiesabove]

I wish I had been able to cope as well as you have, Skiesabove. I'm not religious, but I too started to pray, and it helped.
And I also went along with the plans and developed expectations. Her current boyfriend is a convenient security blanket.
Coffeeluvr

If his friends have that much control over him it sounds like your daughter is probably much better off without him and you just have to suppress your emotions and feelings on the situation. Pray for healing for everyone involved including you. When it’s out of your hands, put it in God’s hands.

That’s good advice. To put it in Gods hands. My D and I often spoke about how we/she cannot make excuses for bad behavior, but how there really may be an issue there. Now who knows. I can’t get over how very very VERY painful and hard this is for ME. It’s not supposed to be. I want to me a good mom to my wonderful D.

Coffeeluvr, GrayAngel, Loreli,
I'm not very religious either. I do believe in a Creator or a greater force, I believe in the power of intention, (sending out your good feelings/ wishes) and I've seen it work in my own life. So I send my prayers / intentions out to the universe. I write them down in a journal every day and this has helped. In the past month while they were having issues before the breakup, I prayed specifically for them. Now I picture my daughter healthy and happy. I'm picturing her safe, healthy, fulfilled in her studies/ her profession, and I'm picturing her with a wonderful, loving, respectful significant other, someone she can trust. And then I picture him with someone who's the same for him, whether that person will be my daughter, or someone else.

Loreli, I agree with Gray Angel that his friends and their influence is concerning. I'm wondering what this boy's parents are like, what was his family life like. I'm reading a book right now called "Toxic Parents" and it is really great at identifying the causes of that kind of behavior in relationships. I started reading because there were issues with my daughter's ex parents and now I understand how their control affected his behavior. I highly recommend it.

Loreli, it's ok that you feel grief, you can forgive yourself for feeling sad. I understand your daughter asking you not to talk to him, it sounds like him contacting you is creating a vicious negative cycle in his behavior.

As sad as I am, and as much as I want to, I haven't brought up the subject to my D, and I won't contact him again. I realize that if there's any chance of them getting back together for good, I have to stay out of it. If I bring it up she won't have the room and space she needs to miss him, or to reflect on what she really wants.

It has also helped to think about my own journey. I had a very sweet, very compatible high school boyfriend. We came from eerily similar families, we had the same cultural background, same interests, and we were very much in love. We were together four years, from when I was 15 to 19. I broke up with him, and honestly, at that time I didn't even know why I was breaking up. I dated a couple of jerks, and then met my husband at 21, and we've been married for 20 years.

Now I realize that, my high school boyfriend was all I knew, and while I didn't realize it then, I would have been trapped if I'd stayed with him. I needed to grow and become the person I ended up being. Him and I ended up being completely different people. He is happily married, btw.

My marriage of 20 years has been mostly wonderful, with a couple of rough patches, like many others are. Right now it's pretty great, I don't just love, but I actually LIKE my husband. There's no way for me to know what life with the other guy would have been like, but I suspect it might have been the same or worse, not better.

All that to say, that there's no reason why our daughter's won't end up finding a wonderful man to spend their lives with when the time comes, whether it's the boys we lost, or someone new entirely. We need to stay hopeful.

 

[skiesabove]

He’s not ready for that, well maybe you should have thought about that before you fathered 2 kids pal.
They lived with us rent free for nearly a yr so they could get out of debt and be able to make a life for themselves and he showed absolutely 0 appreciation.
He would sit at the table while I made dinner for 7 ppl and not lift a finger to help do anything.
I have had to give them to God. I have talked until I’m blue in the face and done everything in my power to help her and even though she’s almost 28 yrs old she’s still acting like a wild teenager. I was so stressed out my blood pressure was high and I was really at the end of my rope and now, I just pray for her and my grand babies and that he will open his eyes to what being a father is before it’s too late.

I'm so sorry, GrayAngel. I hope and pray your grandbabies grow up with a most excellent role model of what fatherhood is, that your D opens her eyes to how important this is.

 

[Loreli]

Hi all, how has everyone been? It’s so interesting that we’ve loved these boys as our own. I think what upsets me is the view I feel like our culture has on relationships, marriage and the attitude towards teens dating.
what I mean is that it seems like the general idea is that when teens date it can’t possibly lead to marriage. They are young, it won’t work out, they don’t know what they want, etc. I mean, I’m glad my teens can make choices and I’m glad that if they were in a relationship they didn’t want to be in that they didn’t need to remain. But it’s like they’ve been programmed to quit when the going gets tough. I don’t think that’s right. And I don’t think adults get it right all the time. Look at crazy divorce rates, etc. Is like to teach my teens that they should TRY to work things out. I believe their love is as real as any and it’s not less worthy or special or real because of their age. It’s important to care about yourself and take care of yourself but I don’t agree with walking away so fast. And I think that’s what society expects of teens so they rise to the expectation.
I guess I’m rambling. It’s because I’m kinda numb.Very sad but so many more feelings added to it. It’s so comforting to have this dialogue with all of you. Funny how similar our stories are. Prayer is great. I don’t know where I’d be without it.
Anyone have experiences where the D’s did get back together after some time? Even if it didn’t last again. Just wondering what summer will bring. I feel she loves him I can see it. He is so angry. He’s making things worse. I feel sad for him even though I’m not happy with his behavior lately. I hope to run into him by accident on the street. Kinda hard when we aren’t allowed out. Who knows. Don’t know what he’d do. You said it right!! It’s like having a child out there and you don’t know if they are ok. You can’t get in touch and you want to make sure they are ok. You said it perfect.

 

[Loreli]

Hi and sorry for the delay - I didn’t see your post until today. I remember the no sleeping. That lasted 4 months for me. It was fight or flight all the time. Waiting for whatever drama would happen next, alternating with anxiety when nothing happened. My brain looped constantly trying to fix it- wondering what was the best thing to do - as if I could somehow get them to see how stupid they were being. And I couldn’t stand being anywhere near my daughter. I still struggle a little bit with that. There was a few times that I stood for hours outside her room in the middle of the night, just trying to grab her phone and see if they talked. Really crazy, obsessive stuff. I now realize that I was somewhat addicted to their relationship. Because she invited me into her relationship too much, and I didn’t keep the boundaries I could have (she, too, wanted him to be part of our family), I got a regular oxytocin hormone high from their relationship.
And I found out later that they had been talking much more than I knew throughout their breakup.
Why was yours (the boy) mad at you when you last texted? it was probably misplaced anger that he will feel badly about later.
It does help so so much to compare stories and know that you’re not alone.
And I do still miss them together. Every. Single. Day.
Honestly, what drives me to get through the days is to be the person I want him to be proud to know. That is what keeps me from being mad at how frustrated and sad I still am. And I am thankful that I can text him whenever I want now. We are friends again. And I know in my gut that he still loves my daughter. His fiancé is not his first choice. He wants a girl that is loyal and will follow him - he told my daughter that. And he has always wanted to marry young- and his sisters both got married this year. I know he’s being impulsive and foolish. And my daughter’s current boyfriend is a security blanket that she can control. It’s ridiculous and nauseating.
Please keep me updated -and just get through one minute at a time. And eat- my daughter and I both lost 10 lbs the week they broke up.
Coffeeluvr

Hi Coffeeluvr. So I was just rereading. What I don’t understand is why these guys don’t go after what they want. It seems obvious he is looking for a replacement for your D. Has he tried to win her back/work it out?

 

[Loreli]

No I do not believe my daughter speaks to him anymore. We moved about an hour and a half away so I have no idea where he is now.

My daughter went on to several dead end relationships and then she thought she had met the one. Unfortunately, she did not, but they had 2 kids before she finally told him to leave. He pays child support, and spends maybe 2 hrs once a week with his kids. Then he won’t see them for a month and then calls to see them. It’s ridiculous. My daughter works a different shift then he does so in my opinion a stand up dad would be watching his kids while she was at work, but not him. He’s not ready for that, well maybe you should have thought about that before you fathered 2 kids pal.
They lived with us rent free for nearly a yr so they could get out of debt and be able to make a life for themselves and he showed absolutely 0 appreciation.
He would sit at the table while I made dinner for 7 ppl and not lift a finger to help do anything. Never offered to help my husband around the property. On his days off he would smoke cigarettes outside or lay in the loft on his phone or watch tv and we have 60 acres.
I have a 17 yr old daughter who watches the 2 kids while my oldest daughter works and I make them pay her. He thinks she should do it for free because she’s family. They are paying her less than $3 an hour and he acts like that’s criminal. When she finally flies the coop her choice is to drive 45 mins to my house for me to watch them or find someone else to watch them.
I have had to give them to God. I have talked until I’m blue in the face and done everything in my power to help her and even though she’s almost 28 yrs old she’s still acting like a wild teenager. I was so stressed out my blood pressure was high and I was really at the end of my rope and now, I just pray for her and my grand babies and that he will open his eyes to what being a father is before it’s too late.
She recently started a new relationship and all I can say...
I’m not impressed.
There will never be another guy as good as the one she let go of when she was in high school in my honest opinion and if there is, she will never find him acting like she is now.

Gray Angel,
Do you think your D has had sun here unhappy relationships since they broke up because she still loves him? Or has things unresolved?

 

[Coffeeluvr]

Hi Coffeeluvr. So I was just rereading. What I don’t understand is why these guys don’t go after what they want. It seems obvious he is looking for a replacement for your D. Has he tried to win her back/work it out?

Hi- I hope you’re doing ok.
My daughter’s ex did tread into that territory when he first started seeing his now fiancé. I think he would have tried harder, but my daughter was a mental wreck and so self absorbed that she wasn’t in a good place to have that conversation. And he concluded that she had changed too much. And it’s a horrible shame, because she has since recovered and is doing really well now.
I texted with him today, and I think I’ll update her on his life. She may already know via social media, but I have no idea.
I hope to stay in contact with him forever. But I get really nervous about reaching out- worried that I care too much, or that I’m perceived as the annoying aunt that doesn’t have much of a life. Although that’s probably my own insecurities- he always replies within a few minutes.
I talk to him in my head all the time- do you do that, too?
Coffeeluvr

 

[Loreli]

Hi. I guess I’m ok. Some days I’m more ok. But oddly I almost don’t want to fee ok. I mean I do- of course. But it’s like I’m scared he will fade out of my life and thoughts and just be gone. I guess that’s what’s supposed to happen.
I can’t help but feel their story isn’t over. It’s like I see them 20 or 10 or whatever years from now... maybe I’m convincing myself, but it doesn’t feel that way.
somerhing you said earlier struck a chord. You mentioned wanting him to be proud of you. That’s kind of a funky thought and I had the same one. I wonder why. Somehow a complement or recognition from him was so nice.
I think it’s so cool and special that you and him are in touch all these years later. You must be a really important person in his life.It seems like he has his own connection with you separate frim your D. That’s nice. I did have that. But then I said something stupid and basically I upset him. He told my d and she got very angry at me- rightfully so. She asked me not to reach out so I haven’t. I keep hoping Ill run in to him, or his mom.And YES!! I do talk to him in my head daily! Sometimes I yell at him actually- haha. He is wonderful but not perfect. Is it stupid to have hope ?
let me know if you decide to tell your d his updates. You’ll see if she still follows his social media. Is he still tentative about the fiancé? I wonder if she knows that you two talk. I think it’s really nice that he wants you in his life. Does your d know you talk? Is she ok with it?

 

[Loreli]

At least you accept her decision and stay out of it. Thank you for that. My mom was the opposite. She refused to take NO for an answer and kept inviting him over “I thought I’d give you a little push to help”..... the guy was a needy clinger whose behavior crossed into stalking, although that term didn’t exist back then. The story is on Etiquette Hell’s website under Dating. Still gives me nightmares.

However tempted you might be to “help” - don’t just don’t! You may damage your relationship with your daughter.

Hi Jr Jedi. You speak the truth for sure. I have definitely damaged my relationship with my wonderful D. We will be ok. But I definitely have butted in. Mostly because they brought me in. It was great. Now it’s done. For now anyway. But I still love him and miss him. I don’t know details. But I know I cannot talk to him or my D will be very very upset. But it’s killing me how poorly they communicate! I want to sit them down together and make them Listen to one another. Is your relationship with your d now ok?

 

[Loreli]

Hi and sorry for the delay - I didn’t see your post until today. I remember the no sleeping. That lasted 4 months for me. It was fight or flight all the time. Waiting for whatever drama would happen next, alternating with anxiety when nothing happened. My brain looped constantly trying to fix it- wondering what was the best thing to do - as if I could somehow get them to see how stupid they were being. And I couldn’t stand being anywhere near my daughter. I still struggle a little bit with that. There was a few times that I stood for hours outside her room in the middle of the night, just trying to grab her phone and see if they talked. Really crazy, obsessive stuff. I now realize that I was somewhat addicted to their relationship. Because she invited me into her relationship too much, and I didn’t keep the boundaries I could have (she, too, wanted him to be part of our family), I got a regular oxytocin hormone high from their relationship.
And I found out later that they had been talking much more than I knew throughout their breakup.
Why was yours (the boy) mad at you when you last texted? it was probably misplaced anger that he will feel badly about later.
It does help so so much to compare stories and know that you’re not alone.
And I do still miss them together. Every. Single. Day.
Honestly, what drives me to get through the days is to be the person I want him to be proud to know. That is what keeps me from being mad at how frustrated and sad I still am. And I am thankful that I can text him whenever I want now. We are friends again. And I know in my gut that he still loves my daughter. His fiancé is not his first choice. He wants a girl that is loyal and will follow him - he told my daughter that. And he has always wanted to marry young- and his sisters both got married this year. I know he’s being impulsive and foolish. And my daughter’s current boyfriend is a security blanket that she can control. It’s ridiculous and nauseating.
Please keep me updated -and just get through one minute at a time. And eat- my daughter and I both lost 10 lbs the week they broke up.
Coffeeluvr

It’s been a while but feels like a moment. Does your daughter know you talk? I miss talking to him . Retreading theae is, like you’ve said, so so helpful. To know you aren’t alone. So did you tell your D about his marriage? How did she react? I can’t even think of such a thing. Looking forward to your update.

 

[Coffeeluvr]

It’s been a while but feels like a moment. Does your daughter know you talk? I miss talking to him . Retreading theae is, like you’ve said, so so helpful. To know you aren’t alone. So did you tell your D about his marriage? How did she react? I can’t even think of such a thing. Looking forward to your update.

Hi- I’m doing ok. Still missing him every single day. And missing them. For the first year, I was also afraid that if I let myself feel happy at all, that it would be disloyal to him and that I would be really saying goodbye. But then I realized that it was time to say goodbye to their high school relationship and the past. And it didn’t mean that there would never be a future relationship in some manner. And I remembered what I felt like at that age- if my mom had insisted I stayed the same, frozen in time because of her needs, I would have kept a huge distance. So I guess it depends on how old your daughter is- I don’t think you’ve written that.
My daughter and whole family are aware that I stay in touch with him. I limit how much I share with my daughter, I guess to maintain that it’s a separate relationship from theirs. She says he and I are friends, and she doesn’t seem to think it’s as weird as she used to.
I don’t know if his fiancé knows that I stay in touch. Honestly, I do have ulterior motives, and I have to keep that in check. If she knows, then he’s being honest and I hope it rattles her a bit. Makes me not a nice person, but that’s the truth. If she doesn’t know- then he’s being dishonest, and he knows it. And he will have to reckon that within himself.
Based on her social media posts, she calls him the love of her life. He replied with the thumbs up, which I find funny, since he’s quite open with his emotions.
If he still loves my daughter (which I could be my fantasy that I cling to) - he will have to deal with that within himself.
Everything I have written in this blog has been the truth- including his statements to me and my daughter (that I have seen- and she’s told me). I do that so I can have as unbiased a record as possible.
And I hope that by genuinely supporting and loving him, he and my daughter start to grow the love they still have for each other. And I may very well be wrong. Only they know.
He has become more moderate in his values, so I will be sharing that with my daughter. And he just started his first career job, so she may choose to congratulate him on that. And if there’s a spark still for him- he is self aware enough to know it would be unfair to marry this girl. I’m pretty sure he feels it’s just easier to relabel my daughter as the mess he saw last year. And then move on.
Sorry this is so long, but I grabbed the time I was unexpectedly given.
Take care and I look forward to your updates
Coffeeluvr