16 years together but....

[SillyChicken]

I learned this lesson the hard way too... ladies ....... life is too short to deal with that kind of BS! The person YOU choose to have in YOUR life should love and care for you, NOT own and control you and make you feel bad about yourself. You don't have to live that way, you shouldn't live that way.

 

[Cknldy]

A lot out there that have been there, done this! Dh can't read very well so not very computer savvy. We each have our own phones with internet too. I am so glad that you were able to find yourself again and stopped the next one before it got to the same level. You will be an inspiration. In this case I have told him straight out and either he isn't taking me seriously or he doesn't believe me. No job searching again til next week as weather is horrible.

 

[bamachicks8]

I learned this lesson the hard way too... ladies ....... life is too short to deal with that kind of BS!   The person YOU choose to have in YOUR life should love and care for you, NOT own and control you and make you feel bad about yourself.  You don't have to live that way, you shouldn't live that way.  Stand up and say "NO, I'm not going to live this way any longer!  If you want to stay and be a part of MY life, this is what your going to do, or I am gone"!

My first marriage, I did EVERYTHING while he played..and then was constantly badgered about "getting a real job".  I worked in my families business at the time.   He was just plain mean, teased non stop..I had no friends... we always spent time with his family not mine...eventually it kept building, he started to get physical.   Slammed me against the wall, threatening to kill me on more than one occasion.... I just stopped being me... I was going through life so stressed and unhappy I kept trying to think of ways to get out, luckily he made the first move to leave, cause by then he had found himself a girlfriend.  I was actually relieved he was fooling around... it meant I got to get out easy, I bought a fixer upper home and left.  Later I found out that he had an affair with his girlfriends sister...beat the sister, knocked her up, and then she married him (even after I warmed her).  On a side note: He kinda saved me at one point when I was young, we were teens when we met, but that doesn't mean he was  good for me to stay with him.  I grew up, he didn't.

I found myself again real quick..... such a good feeling I tell ya!  It's hard to see the ill effect it has on you until you're out of that situation.  I promised that I would never tolerate that behavior from a man (well, from anyone really) ever again.  Why should I?  Why should you? 

4 yrs later I met a nice guy, we hit it off so good that we ended up getting married.  A few years ago he started to act differently toward me, dirty looks, being mean, controlling especially about money and how I spent my time.  I had no say about my money....and he was lying about what he spent it on. oh and the kicker, I snooped on his computer and found he was on a singles page looking for some fun (I had a health issue, which didn't help, but now I know why he was being an AHat)!!!  I think he thought he had to treat me like crap to get what he wanted... it back fired on him.  When he started to do things like my ex did, I decided that was enough, it's when I realized I was also starting to hate him and I was ready to leave.   So...

I had some company stock that I cashed in, was more than enough money to buy a foreclosed home and move out.  I told him that I was going to this show and we will need to talk when I got back he didn't know I knew about a few things. I took a little break to clear my head I had to make sure it wasn't all him or all me, I went to a rock concert out of state, alone, for the weekend....I had a blast!!!. Came back and laid down my law.. if he wanted to be in MY life, this is what he is and is not going to do, otherwise I am done.  I was ready to leave everything (except my dogs)!  I guess he decided he wanted to be in my life because he did a complete 180 and started being nice to me again.   I in turn have had a harder time falling back in love with him.   But this is my problem not his and I am working on it.   We've invested a lot in our relationship and it's not worth throwing it all away yet since he was trying so hard. There are things about him that I still don't like, and I don't cow to him or his BS if he starts in on me.  When I see him start to revert, I stop him right then and there... call him out so to speak.   I stand up to him, we either talk about it and come to an agreement together or he no longer has any say... OK, I guess you can say I turned into a bit of a B* ** H.  

But, it's better than being a carpet.

You need to decide if this is how you want to live your life.  If not, tell him flat out..... this is what you expect out of your relationship.. if he is unable to perform to your expectations you will be leaving.   Think out what you want, don't be a blubbering cry baby when you do tell him.  Be calm and firm........  be willing to listen to him... but if he tries to guilt you, stop him.. put yourself in control!!  You have more power than you think, learn to use it!   You may be able to save your marriage, or you may not, but life is too darn short to be unhappy and not to be allowed to be your own person.

We just celebrated our 17th anniversary and have been together for 20 yrs!   

Good luck to you!

btw, if you are doing internet stuff behind his back, make sure you erase all your browsing history and cookies.  Make it so you have to enter your pass words to get into your emails, and other web sites, ebay  every time you log in.... etc. 

So glad you were able to stand up for yourself

 

[Cknldy]

I know I said no job searching til next week but he complained that I bought chicken feed so my contact/ app count is up to 18. Nothing but snide remarks and smirks. I graduated honor graduate, 4.0 GPA- can't find a job. He smirks when I go to fax resumes cuz he only finished 8th grade and makes more than double minimum wage. Gosh darn. So aggravating but I did get a call about hatching eggs. Man, I am desperate to get a job and prove some stuff around here. Am I defeated to the point of 'fall back in line and grovel'? Nope, not yet. Mr. Peck has been a bit harsh on one of my girls so Pizza is in chicken care unit today. Almost have another dozen eggs for consumption to sell to the same person that bought them before. I used the money from the first sale to pay for faxing resumes so maybe they'll be lucky applications Happy cluckin.....

 

[Peaches Lee]

I know I said no job searching til next week but he complained that I bought chicken feed so my contact/ app count is up to 18. Nothing but snide remarks and smirks. I graduated honor graduate, 4.0 GPA- can't find a job. He smirks when I go to fax resumes cuz he only finished 8th grade and makes more than double minimum wage. Gosh darn. So aggravating but I did get a call about hatching eggs. Man, I am desperate to get a job and prove some stuff around here. Am I defeated to the point of 'fall back in line and grovel'? Nope, not yet. Mr. Peck has been a bit harsh on one of my girls so Pizza is in chicken care unit today. Almost have another dozen eggs for consumption to sell to the same person that bought them before. I used the money from the first sale to pay for faxing resumes so maybe they'll be lucky applications Happy cluckin.....

Oh man, that is really mean of him. Do you have any agencies that can help you, something like CareerLinks or women's help stuff? You know, just my opinion but, I would think about moving on from this guy, this is no way a relationship should be and it's a horrible thing for your kids to witness and grow up thinking that that is an acceptable form of life. Good luck to you and I am cheering for you, I really want your situation to improve.

 

[Cknldy]

Thank you for the encouragement peaches but alas, sigh, we had a huge argument a few.hours ago that we both probanly knew was coming. I am calm now, as are the children. They were in bed but caught some of the words between him and I. Things have been pent up for so long that when he would begin I would cut him off and let him have it. I have been calming telling him exactly how I feel for weeks so when he started tonight after a day of hearing snide remarks and what was meant to be discouragement I just blew the top off the bomb. My past before he met me is my past, age 12 and under. He was not there, he does not know. Because he thinks things happened one way he believes his thoughts to be true. He has never been raped, he has never had to deal with it or assess it as an adult. Coercively or forcibly it was still not his past to deal with and he will never understand it. Telling me I am to blame for many years does not help him. His actions tonight have burned bridges that I won't be able to repair. My enslavement has ended- probably only figuratively for now as he still believes I won't be able to get a job and support myself. Things may get rough but I am not of the same mindset that I was years ago. I used to run, leave and return a month or so later with tail between legs. I refuse to do that now and I believe it has him confused. Things will not be the same. Sabotage? How about aggravating me when someone calls to buy things i put ads out for? Asking me why I'm selling something such as pictures older than me that belonged to my grandma before me? Asking how much gas i waste taking eggs to a customer he said I wouldn't have? Saying he's not paying the phone bill because i use it as an escape when he won't leave me alone? Yes, i've had enough. I apologize to any that this may send into emotional tribulations but it helps so much just to know that others know. Perhaps one day someone else will read this and it will help them realize what they have is precious or that they too can make it. After all, what are chickens for;-) Mine are helping me become independent and even paid for job applications to be faxed. I'm thinking they're helping me because they know I need it. Rest easy and happy cluckin til next time....

 

[redhen]

I guess i am just very confused as to why you would stay with him and continue to put your kids through this?

 

[Cknldy]

Because redhen, when it's good it's good. After this many years together it is as though I don't know how to live without him (although I do) and you just get used to how u live. We've been together so long and virtually grew up together that even though we've grown into two very different people we can't see life without the other. I've never had to do it on my own so I know it'll be hard but I'm seeing that it will be better than this and I can be me, happy. The children will benefit as well because they won't have to hear us argue, etc. Time to move on.

 

[jdywntr]

I'm sorry for your situation but it does sound like you are becoming stronger. I would say, take whatever help that you can. I don't have a problem at all with you having a "secret" bank account. Sometimes that is what is needed in order to able to make (and finance) changes. Pay no attention to people who think it odd that you stay. Unless they have been in your shoes they will never understand your reasons. It is VERY difficult to end something that has been going on for so long and for such a huge portion of your life. I think everyone needs to remember that relationships develop over time. Nobody would stay in a relationship where their partner was abusive (verbal, emotional, physical etc) from the first day. These things develop over time and the abuser is usually very good at manipulating the abused. It takes time to pull yourself up and realize your self worth and that you deserve better and can make it happen on your own. If anyone has ever been in this type of situation, they will understand.

Stay strong, keep doing what you are doing. You will be an inspiration to your children, to others and most importantly, to yourself.

 

[Cknldy]

Update on poultry farm job: guy is a creeper! He only wants someone that'll live in one of his trailers (I understand, farm help needs to be there if something happens) and he provides electric/ water. Pay ain't much he says but he wants someone that'll enjoy going places with him and his wife. Then he asked my age and weight. Could these really be relevant to poultry work? Maybe. That 'job' not for me. Tales have been told that the foing places with him and his wife includes more morally objectable things. That's out!! So it has been snowing for the past few days. I've been trying to keep up with unthawing water for my babies and Pizza is now back with the others. More vaseline massaged combs, more wind protection. Mr. Peck didn't want to leave my lap after his comb 'spa' treatment Yesterday we filed those pesky taxes and I asked questions about how it would affect our return next year if I worked as well. Dh didn't exactly like my asking questions but I suppose it gave him a hint as to how next tax year may go. Basically the more money you make the less return money you get. He didn't like that. Then I asked about if we filed separately and dh said he'd file with 1 child and I could file with 2. Makes sense I suppose. It's getting us ready for the day when the kids grow up and we start paying in, lol. Death and taxes I tell ya! Calm, cool and collected is the plan for today. Don't worry about stuff and get diggin on jobs again Monday. Quilt blocks for the swap are calling my name right after house cleaning and entertaining snow bound children so happy cluckin for now....