A Short Story In The Progress

Discussion in 'Random Ramblings' started by chicken boy sam, Jan 21, 2011.

  1. chicken boy sam

    chicken boy sam Chillin' With My Peeps

    Dec 21, 2009
    I love writing for fun, and I'm working on this right now. How do you think it is? Is it good?


    City

    Sam -------

    I step onto the train. The train that will carry me to my lifelong dream. My dream of going to the city, to pursue my dreams. Multiple people have stopped my dreams of becoming free. Free from everything. Free from people telling me what to do, and telling me what not to do. This train will bring me to my dream, and I have finally noticed that no one can stop me. I feel indestructible on the train that rumbles towards the city. When I step off and into the station, I am in disbelief. All the people, cultures, and food are booming towards my face, screaming for attention. Some people stare, some people beg, and most people just walk by, making me practically invisible. I feel the bounce in my steps as I walk towards the information desk that will help me towards my lifelong dream of becoming free. Though I am filled with anticipation, I am also so very nervous. You see, this is all new to me: This whole lifestyle. I limp towards the desk, and then I make a sudden stop. The finely suited man just smiles, until it becomes awkward, so he walks back into his office. I turn around, and head toward the grand door. When I step onto the cool surface of the sidewalk, I get a whiff of cheap hot dogs. The cars and taxis whip past me, the lonely country kid in an urban city.
     
  2. Skitz

    Skitz Skitz15k

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    Amazing! keep it up! [​IMG]
     
  3. WIChookchick

    WIChookchick Chillin' With My Peeps

    Aug 25, 2010
    Rural Brooklyn, WI
    You need to learn to not use so many periods, Use commas, and ; semi colons, they are there for a reason.
    You need to look up a word.. Boom is a sound type word.. it doesn't "scan" well when you read it..
    AND...
    Some people stare, some people beg, and most people just walk by, making me practically invisible. I feel the bounce in my steps as I walk towards the information desk that will help me towards my lifelong dream of becoming free.

    You need to make a transition, you have the character stepping off the train.. that would be on a platform, he needs to go in and locate the information desk.. it isn't just sitting there right next to the train.. Why would that desk be the way to becoming free... it would be the beginning, the first step on the path.

    Though I am filled with anticipation, I am also so very nervous. You see, this is all new to me: This whole lifestyle. I limp towards the desk,(he suddenly limping when he was bouncing just a moment ago??) and then I make a sudden stop. The finely suited man just smiles(who is the finely suited man?? You need to describe who he is, what he is doing in this scene), until it becomes awkward, so he walks back into his office. I turn around, and head toward the grand door. When I step onto the cool surface of the sidewalk, I get a whiff of cheap hot dogs. The cars and taxis whip past me, the lonely country kid in an urban city.( Why say an urban city?? is there a suburban city or a country city?)

    You have a good start, but you need to figure out where the character is going, who he might encounter, create your cast of characters you may have him meet. Figure out where he is going, go into detail. And research the areas, the types of transport, food, and people your character will interact with.

    You have a good bare bones, but you need to flesh it out and to work on little things that add up, and be consistent.​
     
  4. redhen

    redhen Kiss My Grits... Premium Member

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    May 19, 2008
    Western MA
    You're doing a GREAT job! Keep up the GOOD work! [​IMG]
     
  5. Royd

    Royd Chillin' With My Peeps

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    May 31, 2009
    Middleburg, Fl.
    And suddenly, you hear your mom yell, from upstairs, "ChickenBoySam, get off that computer, right now and get up here. I told you supper was ready, ten minutes ago."
    You mumbled to yourself, as you shut the computer down, "Why can't people just leave me alone, to do what I want to do?"
     

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