Am I being mean?

[willkatdawson]

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That's exactly what I was thinking! These items belong to his child, not his sister!

 

[michickenwrangler]

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Ye gods! No, she wouldn't sell them. She would own them, so she could stare at them and weep.

Back when I was looking for a job out of state, Wayne mentioned something about selling the house while we were over having dinner with her and she began sobbing.

And no, I don't plan on selling the house. It is paid for, it is my home, and I'm pretty well entrenched here witha job, chickens, horses, a dog, a garden, an orchard and my mother's 5th wheel and helpful neighbors and friends.

The only things I'm selling are some of DH's power tools that I'm afraid to use (afraid of whirring blades that can cut off my arm), his quality wood-working wood, a small trailer of his and his RC model airplanes and helicopters. I'm keeping one for nostalgia but the rest are going. I had an offer on those wood-carving tools and I took it. I thought there was another set that I had already sent to her. Most of DH's clothes and shoes I have given away to people his size.

I'm not looking to get rich or make money, (in fact a lot of the stuff I've bartered for), I just want to get rid of stuff that I don't need or will not use. Hence my eagerness to send her a few afghans and other stuff in the beginning: plus with a part husky, keeping the afghans free of dog hair was a neverending battle.

And don't worry, there are still plenty of things of Wayne's parents to pass onto my daughter.

 

[chickened]

Tell them all that you are not in a position emotionally right now to deal with anything and in six months or a year you will decide what YOU want to do with the stuff, they most likely will have either moved on or foundsome other drama/trauma to control thier life. They sound like... well nevermind, sorry on your loss.

 

[drdoolittle]

I'm confused----it was YOUR husband who died, why in the world does his family think they have rights to any of his belongings?!? Not only are you still around, but so is his daughter-----shouldn't these things be kept (at least some of them) for when she is older? It turns my stomach to see how some family members act when a person dies---just plain selfish and greedy, very disgusting. I feel for you and hope good things come your way----you seem like a very strong, caring person.

Well, I hadn't read your last post before I replied. I understand that there are things that you don't have need of and don't want them around just taking up space. I just didn't like the way it seemed your SIL was demanding things from you. Yes, she lost a brother, and of course he was in her life before yours. But he was your HUSBAND----he was part of you, and she shouldn't be trying to get you to feel sorry for her, she should be there for you and helping you make it through this difficult time.

 

[michickenwrangler]

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The house I currently live in was built by my husband and his father in the 1970s. SIL did stained glass for a door, so she does have her mark on this place. While my husband ran around living the rock n'roll life, his parents lived in the house. In the late 1990s, they were having financial difficulty since his father was a minister of a small church who did carpentry on the side (got the minimum for SSI), so DH moved in with them to help them out. His mother died in 2000. DH wasn't getting along with his father without his mother as a buffer, so he moved in with me (I was renting). After his father's death in 2001, DH and I moved in there shortly after. There was no life insurance and DH did a quit-claim deed to take over the payments on the house and I helped him out to buy out each sister's share in probate. From 2002 until his death in 2011, my husband was the sole owner of the house.

Now when we moved in, it was NOT an empty house. His parents' belongings from back to the 1930s were in there. His sister had asked about the wood carving tools several years before DH's death. One of his nieces had wanted the medals and war decorations--again, this was decided before my husband died. But now, I'll be darned if I give those up. She's older than me and struggling with fertility. I have issue, so if this stuff is going to stay in the family, it will through my daughter.

Well, both DH and his parents were low-scale hoarders and through the last 9 years, I have slowly been weeding through the stuff. DH wanted a lot of things for sentimental reasons. I don't have that attachment to a lot of these things, so I was happy to unload them on her.

Right now, I don't have a box to send stuff down to her, so it will have to wait. SIL hasn't worked in years and probably doesn't remember what it's like to be busy, since she has the luxury of looking at unopened boxes and weeping.

 

[debilorrah]

My friend who lost her husband at the end of January is now going through the clean out process. It is painful for her too. Some stuff she looks and thinks "what in the world was he thinking?" and other stuff makes her cry. You need to do things on your schedule!!! Not on someone elses, especially when that someone else is a weepy drain on you!!!

 

[redhen]

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X2!! Gawd! Dont LET her do that crap to you!

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

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Those should be handed down to your child.

As was said earlier--do not immediately start clearing stuff out or giving it away upon requests. Take time to mourn and think things through. If there was a will, you need to follow its instructions. If not, state law determines who inherits what. In some states the surviving spouse gets it all; in others there is a split inheritance between the spouse and the children. I am not aware of any state where the siblings get part of the estate when there is a wife or children.

Yes, of course siblings grieve, but your sil needs to realize that YOU grieve, too.

 

[welsummerchicks]

Normally sisters and brothers accept a token posession of their sibling, something sentimental that made a connection between their sibling and them. If there was nothing that made a connection, often they are satisfied with a token item.

I'd really rather not go into what happened when my parents passed. It was very painful and unpleasant.

 

[michickenwrangler]

Received a check and a written apology in the mail today.

Being a b--- sometimes pays off.