Am I being mean?

[michickenwrangler]

My husband died 7 weeks ago. He has 2 older sisters, 8 and 10 years older respectively.

We don't talk to the eldest (long story) but the younger one used to live near us and we spent quite a bit of time with her. She also experienced some emotional trauma in her youth thus she has a very hard time coping with, well, anything. 2 years ago, she moved to Florida. Neither sister came to the Memorial service. Other sister lives in northern Georgia.

OK, so the younger sister called up in tears wanting some things of her mother and father that my husband had. OK, no big deal. I put them in a box and sent them down to her. Got a call a few days later, saying that she received the box, but can't open it. All she can do is look at it and stare. Then she promptly asked for more of their belongings, including her father's wood carving tools.

Our garage is a black hole and I had no idea where the tools were. One of DH's friends showed me an antique chest and said these were probably it. OK, send those and some other things down. This time in a big box that cost me $60 to ship.

So SIL calls today, says that those weren't the woodworking tools. And I forgot to include a jacket that she wanted. And while I'm at it, could I send down some more things.

1. I accidentally sold the woodworking tools. I didn't realize it. Luckily, I got a hold of the guy and offered to buy them back. He's returning them to me on Tuesday. Whew!

2. While on the phone with her, I mentioned as tactfully as I could that this wasn't cheap. She began sobbing that she doesn't have any money (she lives with her rich boyfriend but since their situation isn't my business, I didn't bring it up) but she NEEDS the tools and the jacket. While she began sobbing about how hard everything was and how she didn't know she she could go on, I said firmly but as politely as I could manage, that "J--, you CHOSE to move down to Florida and I'm the one paying for the memorial service and medical bills since Wayne didn't have life insurance. I'm trying to run a small farm, by myself, while juggling job and while being a single mother. This isn't your day to day life that has changed. Mine has."

She then began sobbing harder and telling me that she has been his sister a lot longer than I've been his wife/girlfriend and I can remarry but she'll never have another brother and how she has always been his protector (really? Where was she when he couldn't pay a lawyer, got a court appointed attorney and ended up in prison?) and keeps an eye out for him.

And then she says how she feels protective of my daughter, which I immediately took offense to for some reason, although I'm not sure why.

For SIL's history, she had a daughter of her own, but the daughter was taken away from her due to SIL's emotional instability to be raised by the eldest sister. I almost feel like she's vicariously living motherhood through my daughter. She tried to teach my daughter to say "Mama" when she was a baby. She also refers to her boyfriend as "Grandpa Bruce" although I pointed out he would technically be an uncle.

Am I being an insensitive clod? Or is it reasonable for me to ask for reimbursement and learn to cope without a husband?

 

[Garden Gal]

I am so very, very sorry to hear of your loss. Seven weeks ago is a blink of an eye in the mourning process, so I don't think you should expect ANY of your emotions to be critiqued by ANYONE. But no, of course you are not being mean.

You might consider telling her you don't want to make ANY more emotional decisions for a while and that once you collect yourself, you'll be more than happy to share with her any items which you don't want to keep for your own solace or to give to your daughter. I gave away some of my son's books shortly after he died and I've regretted that many times. Let your heart heal; what you think you don't want right now might not be the case in six months or a year.

The mailing cost is not the most imporant thing here.... imho. Slow down and take care of your heart for a while.

 

[bburn]

You asked....here you go.

First I am so sorry for your loss.

Second....you KNOW you SIL is not right, don't you? Stop letting her twist you around.

Third...if you don't have caller ID, get it, and stop answering her calls.

Fourth....but the most important thing.....TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND YOUR KIDS....and stop worrying about her. You did enough when you sent the first batch of things. STOP.

Fifth....take care of yourself first and everything else will fall into place.

 

[morelcabin]

Well, I wouldn't be sending her anything else...and if she wants more (that you are willing to give her) you can tell her she is more than welcome to come and get it herself...but due to high costs you will no longer ship everything to her on her whim. No you are not being mean. You are more than willing to let her have what she wants as momentos, shi will just have to find a way to come and get it. As for her disrespect, I would nip that in the bud as well, or she will continue.

 

[satay]

Not at all. I would say to the sister while you are happy for her to have the items. You are unable to pay the costs to ship to her. Tell her you kill keep them there for her and when she is able to get them herself or pay for shipping than she may have them.

 

[chickengrl]

I think SHE is being a bit insensitive. If you can afford it without too much trouble perhaps you can send ONE more box to her with the understanding that it will be the very last you can send her at your expense. I would not do so if it meant I would have difficulty with paying for my own needs. She is not your problem and you have a child to raise by yourself. Maybe I am unkind, but rarely feel I have to take on someone elses problems. Don't we all have enough all by ourselves?

 

[debilorrah]

You have been through enough without this leech sucking the remaining blood you have. Stop paying for the shipping for this stuff. If she can't comeup with freakin postage then she doesn't want it that bad!!!!

 

[CariLynn]

Trying to be tactful...you don't owe them a darn thing dear heart!! It now sounds like, and again, this is my honest opinion, that they are playing on your good nature and their brother's memory by asking for things again and again and again. If it were me, I would say no, please, it hasn't been that long since my husband's passing, give me some time to morn and when I have, I may get back to you. Family who have their hand out when they weren't there otherwise really make me grind my teeth. Then again, I could be totally off the mark.

I have an aunt, who, twice now, has been mean spirited, evil, nasty and just plain rude. When both her brothers died, she acts as if it is a burden off of her shoulders, one of which I cleaned out his room, got rid of his things, cleaned the room, did all the necessary paperwork, talked to the coroner, got the funeral arrangements done, casket, burial site, etc. because HER rich momma in law passed a few days later and she just could not do both. Her last brother, my last uncle, passed two months ago and she did not let me know for a few days as he was found by some neighbors and once at the hospital, they had to find next of kin. Once his son was found, who lives 10 min. from the hospital he was at, waited 6 DAYS to go see his dad, who had a massive heart attack while there, put on life support and then was vague. I flew out a week later, the day I flew out, mind you, from VA to NV, he was transferred to a more state of the art hospital. His sister, my aunt, called ME to ask if she should come out, I was like it is your call, but you see what I am doing. She gets her travel plans in order, then because my mother in law is a nice woman, where I was also staying and driving an hour each way to be with my uncle, aunt stays with us as my mom in law didn't want to see us spending money on a hotel. If I hadn't gone out to see him, he would of been at that hospital all alone, no one went to see him but me, I sat with him every day for 3 to 5hrs a day, talking to him, holding his hand, etc. His son, had a business meeting and it was a week long, he left the day I flew in and gave me permission to talk to the doctors, get what info on his dad I felt was important than every night I called him and my aunt with an update. It was decided that we would let him go and the day we had the doctor take him off life support, neither the aunt nor my cousin, his son, wanted to be with him, so I stayed with him and held his hand till he was gone!! What did they do? Go eat lunch and wait for me.

I won't bore you with the last 3 days I was home, but it was a living hell for me. I still had to drive my aunt around, spend my last night in NV with her in a hotel room while she picked a fight with me the day after my uncle passed to slam our family and my gram, her mom, who raised all of us, then think I would be polite and nice to her. When I got home and saw my husband waiting for me in the airport terminal I hit him so hard with a hug that I almost knocked him over and stood there bawling in his chest!! I refuse to talk to her or my west coast family for how horribly nasty they are to our family because they are ashamed of them.

So your not the only one with family that is mean. Just stand your ground and if you don't feel like you want to give your husbands things away or that they should, at the very least, help pay for it, they do so. Nothing wrong with that. Nor are you being mean or horrible. HUGS to you!

 

[michickenwrangler]

Oddly, no one has said a peep about husband's father WWII stuff: field jacket, hat, medals & decorations, photo albums, company memory book and funeral flag.

For those, I'm playing dumb and if they want them and see through my act, they send postage money first and sign something saying I won't be blamed if they get lost in the mail.

 

[Boyd]

Quote:
This x1000!!!!!!! Best advice so far!