Am I being unreasonable?

[CarriBrown]

Quote:
Agreed. I wasn't going to throw my two cents in, but I just have to do it. My MIL is a downright nasty person. You would drop dead if I even started to tell you stories. She makes me miserable and I can't stand to hear her name. HOWEVER, I only see her a couple of times a year. So, I suck it up, swallow my pride, and pretend to be nice.... not for her sake, but for the sake of my husband and child.
It's one party, one time.. and let's face it. She's going to "kick the bucket" (to quote my dad, who also had a nasty MIL) soon. We both know that San Diego to Disneyland is only a couple of hour trip.

 

[LarryPQ]

You need to go, but make sure you plan lots and lots of other activities on that side of the country to make up for it.

Also--make sure you are too busy to cook for strangers. After all, where is YOUR thank-you for bearing the MIL beautiful grandchilden?

 

[crtrlovr]

I agree with southernbelle & others who said time your arrival to be as last minute as possible, do not cook unless you WANT to make your "specialty", make an appearance at the event, THEN LEAVE and have a family vacation at one of your chosen spots. Hopefully this way you won't be exhausted from cooking, you'll be able (as the Word, says, "as much as is within you") to be gracious and your DH and children can share in MIL's glory-day, and afterward you can all go off and do something you really WANT to do. This way you won't be the "bad guy". IMO, it wouldn't be right not to go if at all possible, but neither should you spend every cent of your discretionary income to mollify someone who hasn't exactly gone out of her way to keep a loving, close relationship with your DH & children. Make an appearance, then use the rest of your time & funds to have a family fun time.

 

[australorpchick]

No offense taken, honestly!

Sometimes I get so caught up in my irritation with MIL, I don't see the whole picture. That's why I asked all of you. There's so many different point of views, it helps me consider things from all angles. Not only have I told DH how I feel, he agrees with my proposal of going somewhere else while we're over there. We've already spoken to other family members and noone else is overly thrilled about the party either. Some are trying to convince her to go on a family cruise instead and we'll all pitch in for her, since she complains that she never got to go on vacations like we do.

My relationship with MIL wasn't always like this. We had Sunday dinners together for 10 years, until it got to the point that the environment was too stressful. I am just not as sweet and tolerant as my SIL's. I'm okay with that and so is DH. Being old is not a valid excuse for some of her behavior and upsetting my DH is not something I forget easily. There is a standing invite for her to come visit, we'll pay for the flight. She has not taken us up on this offer.

As for the "No vacation 2009", that was my suggestion as family CFO, which was backed my DH. That's not to say we haven't gone or done anything,

, far from it. That just means we didn't go to Maui or something equally expensive, as we had hoped. We still got season passes for Six Flags, stayed the weekend at the coast, spent countless days at various state parks and are going to the Cowboys vs. Giants home opener.

 

[Julie08]

Quote:
I was thinking myself reading through the posts I wonder if you hadn't of said how old she was if the responses would have been differant.

 

[ohiofarmgirl]

family is hard... but the 'she's going to be 90' really does make a difference.

i saw cowboy up and go. put on a smile - and your DH owes you a day at the spa.

good luck!

 

[2chickenrich]

go somewhere else while you are there and DON'T cook.

 

[toletiquesbysam]

Personally, I'd go and cook and try to make it her best birthday ever! You will feel good about yourself that you did every thing you could to make her day special and then take the other days and enjoy your family! One day you may want the same from your family and you hope they would do it for you as well!

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Driving may well be less expensive (depends on the milage your car gets) and also gives you a bit more freedom (unless you rent a car, which adds to the cost of airline tickets).

Is the whole party pot luck? If so, bring a cake or whatever. If not plead the excuse of coming in from out of town and not having the time in your schedule.

Being old can be an excuse, or rather a reason, for behavior--in that older people often have medical conditions that cause behavior changes or take medicines that cause behavior changes. Consider this possibility and have DH intervene with her to express concern--"Mom, I've noticed that you have been bahaving out of character lately--I am concerned that something is going on with your health." That may not be the best phrasing--he will have a better idea of what buttons are "hot" and to be avoided. If he absolutely feels he cannot speak to her, he can call her doctor and express his concerns--the doctor will not be able to release her medical information to him, but should be wiling to listen, take notes and investigate the issues him/herself at the next visit.

 

[australorpchick]

Sonoran Silkies: I'd love to drive, but it would all depend on what the gas prices are next August.

As for her behavior, she's been like this since I've known her (14 years). On the family's urging years back, her doctor was spoken to (BIL has some form of POA) and tests were given, to make sure she didn't have early stages of Alzheimers, Dementia, chemical imbalance or the like. Tests came out fine. She's been tested again since then, with the same results. She is what she is and there's really no changing that. DH's BP would be elevated after we visited her and he'd be irritable with the kids and me when we got home. We ended up getting into an argument every weekend.

Edited to make sense.