And then the fight started...

Discussion in 'Games, Jokes, and Fun!' started by Ottoman, Sep 29, 2009.

  1. Ottoman

    Ottoman Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Oct 4, 2008
    Florida
    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

    I said, 'Dust.'

    And then the fight started...

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    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

    I bought her a scale.

    And then the fight started...
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

    My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

    'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

    'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

    And then the fight started...
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    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

    "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

    Nah, she can order for herself."

    And then the fight started...

    ------------ --------- --------- ---

    A woman is standing in the bedroom, looking in the mirror.
    She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
    'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
    I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

    The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

    And then the fight started.....

    ------------ --------- --------- ------

    My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

    and then the fight started.


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    I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

    It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

    So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

    And that's when the fight started....

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  2. Ottoman

    Ottoman Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Oct 4, 2008
    Florida
    Only in Louisiana - you have to love this lawyer - It's too good not
    to share!
    Everyone who has ever bought a house will enjoy this.


    A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client who lost his
    house in Hurricane Katrina and wanted to rebuild. He was told the loan could be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to the parcel of property being
    offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803,
    which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the
    information to the FHA, he received the following reply:

    (Actual letter):

    "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application,
    we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we
    compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the
    application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the
    proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be
    accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

    Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
    (Actual Letter):

    "Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella.The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope
    before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God; and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world.
    Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that
    part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?"

    (The loan was approved!)
     
  3. Ottoman

    Ottoman Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Oct 4, 2008
    Florida
    TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
    MARIA: Here it is.
    TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
    CLASS: Maria.
    ____________________________________

    TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
    JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
    __________________________________________

    TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
    GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
    TEACHER: No, that's wrong
    GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

    (I Love this kid)
    ____________________________________________

    TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
    DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
    TEACHER: What are you talking about?
    DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
    __________________________________

    TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
    WINNIE: Me!
    __________________________________________

    TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
    GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
    _______________________________________

    TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
    MILLIE: I is..
    TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
    MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
    ________________________________

    TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
    Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
    LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
    ______________________________________

    TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
    SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
    ______________________________

    TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
    CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
    ___________________________________

    TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
    HAROLD: A teacher
    __________________________________
     
  4. Ottoman

    Ottoman Chillin' With My Peeps

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    119
    Oct 4, 2008
    Florida
    sharing of marriage

    The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

    He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

    He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

    He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

    Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can
    afford is one meal for the two of them.'

    As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.

    The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing
    everything.

    People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
    She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

    Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy
    another meal for them.

    This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

    Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'


    'THE TEETH.' She answered
     
  5. ChickenCharmer

    ChickenCharmer Chillin' With My Peeps

    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] OH MY that's Hilarious!!!!!
     
  6. the4heathernsmom

    the4heathernsmom Chillin' With My Peeps

    Jul 1, 2008
    east texas
    ROFL oh my gosh I am literally rolling here too funny thanks yall !!!!
     

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