Any other childless chicken moms out there?

[Chickending]

Wow, what a good topic. ***Warning wordy and a bit of a vent***

This is something I struggle with everyday of my life. I have always wanted children but do to circumstances have not had the opportunity to have them. I have always believed that I wanted a mom/dad in my childs life and I am 40 now, and pretty much feeling that time is making that choice for me. At this point in my life, I want a baby but can find no one who wants to have them with me.

I had a great family growing up, wonderful parents who still to this day after 46 years of marriage love each other and act like they are dating. I have 5 wonderful brothers, who are all married and doing their best to bring into the world these adorable neices and nephews I love more than words can say. I am the odd one. The reason I have never had the opportunity is up until 3 years ago I was severly obese. No one wanted the to date or be with the "fat" girl. For health reasons and future knee replacement, I had gastric bypass surgery at 37. Now I never once regret having it, I feel so free and so much more energy and generally happy other than this part of my life. I have lost 200 lbs have about 60 more to go to reach my goal. At one time I was over 400lbs. My little girl dreams or whatever you want to call it, thought I would lose weight and Mr. Right would come into my life and we would live happily ever after. Well that hasn't happened. See I have discovered, I probably should have done it 10 yrs ago cause I would have had a better chance of finding someone who wants the same thing. I have dated so many guys and at first it was fun but not so much anymore. Its the pool I am chosing from, there is so much baggage and if I have to hear another guy say" I dont want anything serious", well then why are you posting yourself on a dating site????? Its been one frustrating experience after another, now I have been playing the "game" and not coming on too strong, doing the whole dating game thing, etc but every time its "I don't want anything serious" ok, now I know that means, "I am either a scared little boy", or "I am really not into you" or "I just want action and no ties" Is there a man in his 40's who wants the same thing?? I dont think he exists. Now I am by no means not attractive so I have no trouble attracting men, I just haven't found one who doesn't have "scared boy syndrome" ...... Now I do have a regular BF who absolutely does not want children and will not ever get married. He is the "scared boy" type. We have fun together and as long as children or marriage isnt spoken about its fine. But everytime one of my sister-in-laws gets pregnant which two are right now. I hurt inside.

I don't want to have a baby on my own and some people tell me just have one and adopt or go the the sperm bank. I dont want to be a single mother. I know some of you do it and are great at it but that is not a choice I would make for myself. If it happened by accident that is different but it's not something I would set out for myself.

Now when I rationalize it, I can come and go as I please. I have a great career and friends and family who love me but there is something missing. Now I will deal and am dealing with being "childfree". I will be ok and not fall into the depths of dispair. I am a great aunty and if that is it I will be happy with it. My oldest neice says, she will take care of me when I am old like a daughter would. Which touches me. She is like the daughter I wish I would have, but she isnt really mine when it comes down to it. So, my decision to be childless isn't my choice but the experience is dealing with that fact and trying to make a happy life for yourself.

So in the mean time, I have chickens, and dogs and they reap the benefit of my childlessness.

I am sorry this is more of a vent but I am just thankful that I have this forum to vent to. No one in my life really understands...all my friends have children....They think because I am single I am the instant babysitter for them...which is another vent all in itself.

Ok thank you for listening, going to end the

 

[Buff Hooligans]

So the entire night that was supposed to be our chance to host my DH's family turned into a monologue on pregnancy,

Agility Scots, I hope I did this "quote" option right. I had that exact thing happen too. I hosted an evening at my folks house to celebrate a certain historical date for my mom's heritage country, and that's when SIL & bro decide to announce. So heritage country celebration turned into family heritage, which isn't a bad thing, but jeesh. Sure felt dumb trying to talk about Estonia's independence after that. (Wish I had chardonnay around THAT night!)

 

[arwmommy]

First, let me state that I am a total feminist-- that women should be given the same choices and opportunities, and should feel free to choose whatever makes them happy. That women should never feel silenced about their opinions, feelings or beliefs.

With that said, I want to share a bit of inner *pang* of sadness as I read this thread. I certainly know that some should not, for the sake of the child, be mothers. I also know that it is very difficult and challenging, and, if you are ambivalent about it from the get go-- it makes it even harder.

However, I do have a very deep religious belief that there is a huge amount of purpose in being a parent. I feel that it is the most important work my husband or myself will do. That it is not just "woman's greatest calling", but man's as well. It has taught us a tremendous amount of patience, unconditional love, consistency, heartache, made us closer to each other, and closer to the people I believe that Heavenly Father wants us to be.

As a Sociologist (NOT Scientologist like Tom Cruise, but "the study of groups of people" !! LOL), I can ascribe more women and men choosing not to be parents on a variety of reasons: women not wanting their careers to be derailed, fear of repeating mistakes parents did, feeling like you already have a full life, lower incidence of marriage/higher incidence of co-habitation, wanting to give any future kids "everything" and being nervous about finances, waiting until the "perfect" time and then facing infertility..........etc, etc, etc. All of these reasons are very real, and certainly have to be dealt with before wisely approaching parenthood.

I don't have any answers, I am just a bit sad. Yes, motherhood is ONLY spoken of in rosy, glowing terms, which is a HUGE disservice to all women. It is ugly, and enraging, and disappointing, creates almost psychotic worry, and exhaustion beyond what you could ever imagine. But it brings me the most heart aching joy and love and fulfillment that I have ever experienced-- in any other of my huge areas of life and achievement, and I wish those kind of experiences on everyone.

I am glad that you have all made choices that work for you, and I am not at all challenging those choices, just sharing my thoughts.

*peace*

 

[Agilityscots]

Quote:
Ah, but therein lies the rub.

Just because it has been a wonderful and joyous experience for you doesn't mean it will be for anyone else. That's the quandary of the human condition: we can never really know what another experiences. And there's no need to be sad! Some of us find that beautiful, awe-inspiring sense of fulfillment in other areas of our lives (which, strangely, always comes out sounding "second best" when compared to motherhood in our culture). I bet I can hear you saying now, "Oooh, no, it's not the same. Nothing is the same as the sense of fulfillment achieved through mothering/parenthood."

Maybe true, but as a mother you can't experience my fulfilled and filled-to-bursting life without children, just as much as I can't experience your fulfilled life WITH children. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I don't want any of this to sound defensive or judgmental. I think this is such a fascinating thread and I'm so glad you've jumped in. I just mean to say that feeling sadness for someone else's choice implies a value judgment, as if their lives are lacking something. Happily, there IS something missing in my life, and that's the only thing that parenthood can be equated to for me personally: misery. I wish all those who find fulfillment through parenting the very best, and I am in awe of them. They can enjoy parenting, while I enjoy childlessness. There's room for all of us.

Amy

 

[Agilityscots]

Quote:
Ugh, ugh, ugh...isn't it the WORST????

Amy

 

[thndrdancr]

Ok, I have to chime in here. As someone who has a tremendously soft heart, yet never wanted children, even as a young child, like the earlier poster, I knew by about 5 I didnt want any. I absolutely hated to play "house" like all the other girls, and hated dolls, would cry if given one for a present. Made for some tense relations with mom's friends, believe me!

Yet, working in CPS, I came to know a sibling set, a girl and boy, who I had taken to counseling, taken to visit their mother in prison 3 times a week, etc, for six years. When she FINALLY gave them up for adoption, everything happened at once and the long time foster fam they had decided they couldnt care for them. They were slightly abusive/neglectful anyhow. Well, the situation was the CPS worker called everyone and couldnt get ANYONE to take a 6 an 8 year old for more than emergency care, so it meant until adoption, they would go to home after home after home. So...I piped up...after all, I knew the kids quite well, loved em to pieces after 6 years of hauling em everywhere...and said "well...if you cant find anywhere else that will keep them until they are adopted..I will do it." Caseworker laughed and told me to watch what I said. lol But anyhow, they came home with me, and stayed for a period of 10 months.

Now, this was THE longest 10 months of my life,and I jokingful but mean it when I say it, say that these two were more work than any 10 I could have had on my own, and I mean that for real. It was joyful, yet full of angst as well. Like speckledhen, I think the angst outweighed the joy.
For someone that never wanted kids, I dove in headfirst! These kids couldnt even use and knife an fork. They normally werent allowed out in public, etc. AND, I thought I would NEVER get to sleep in again, forever! Ugh! I know, selfish, but I have always loved sleeping in.
I got to know a LOT of heartache, that made me realize even MORE so, how heartbreaking parenting can be, even if you are a great parent. We went through stealing, lying, pernicious behavior, hiding in the closet, eating like savages, to two loving memebers of the family.
I have to tell you that the most scared I ever was in my life, was when the little 6 yr old boy disappeared from school one day. I went to pick him as normal, he was not there. Boy, talk bout panic time. By that time I considered them my own. Called the police, went thru all that, the long wait, the nail biting, etc. This was actually shortly before they were adopted, so had been with us 9 months.
Turns out he had just went to a friends, no big deal..what are you so worried for??? The police are the ones that found him, he thought he was going to jail, it was cute in a awful sort of way.
But it made me realize...you can do everything right, and they can still run away, do drugs, get into trouble and its sure gonna put a LOT of gray hairs on your head. I had nitemares of what might be coming if I adopted them...if they can scare the crap out of you for their life after having them 10 months, how much more are you gonna walk the floors after having them all their lives. Eeeks!

Well, thanks for listening, I had to share.
Jill

 

[newchickowner]

Anyway, I don't want any of this to sound defensive or judgmental. I think this is such a fascinating thread and I'm so glad you've jumped in. I just mean to say that feeling sadness for someone else's choice implies a value judgment, as if their lives are lacking something. Happily, there IS something missing in my life, and that's the only thing that parenthood can be equated to for me personally: misery. I wish all those who find fulfillment through parenting the very best, and I am in awe of them. They can enjoy parenting, while I enjoy childlessness. There's room for all of us.

I agree with you as well. I would love to be a mother by giving birth if I get the opportunity to. Right now I am a mother to my neices and nephew. I'm totally satisfied. I was totally satisfied with my "childfree/childless" life before. I have never been sad for those who chose not to have children. When they show me pics of their pets (who are like their children) I'm always genuinely interested and overjoyed for them, because I feel exactly the same way about my pets. Before and after having children. My animals do not mean any less now that I have children. Also, I am totally thrilled for the person who shows me a pic of an ultrasound of their unborn. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I LOVED my "childfree" life, but always wanted to INCLUDE my child into my life that I have established, to share it with me, no matter the challenges that WILL come. Does that make any sense?​

 

[newchickowner]

Jil, I know exactly what you went through!!!! I'm glad you made it though!!!

there were days I didn't think I would.

 

[thndrdancr]

Newchickowner,

I cant take all the credit for it, my mom helped me, as we both lived together. There were times I was just stumped, and would look at Mom an shrug and ask for help. Sometimes even SHE didnt always know what to do, we had to brainstorm a LOT!

 

[arwmommy]

Let me clarify that I am *NOT* sad for those who choose to be childless!

I am sad that this society doesn't support mothers more so it is easier to deal with the inherent stress (financially, emotionally and physically) of children, I am sad that there is so much abuse- emotionally, physically and sexually that people are scared to perpetuate it, or scared they can't protect against it. I am sad that this culture focuses so much more on what you HAVE than who you ARE, and that people who want children, feel they can't afford to conceive them or keep up with all the dance classes/athletics/music classes/iPods/new cars/Prada purses for 14year olds, that everyone else does-- even if they DO have them. I am sad that new mothers are blindsided by the fact that nursing is hard, that potty training is harder, and that figuring out how to dress your 14 year old so she doesn't look like a prostitute, even though she *really* wants to is even harder.

I am happy that any person has the life that they chose for themselves--- this life is all about choices.